The Life and Times of Kathy

I'm Moving

2010-07-26T11:00:00.001-07:00

After 6 wonderful years of bligityblogging, I am moving over to www.kathystock.com
If you're looking for information on my music, public speaking or just want to catch the same heart felt stories, ramblings and writings you've experienced here, you can catch all at my new home.
Thank you for reading my stuff and I look forward to seeing you at www.kathystock.com

The Prophet

2010-07-12T17:40:00.000-07:00

My husband, Jason is a fitness director at a local gym. He runs the personal training department, does a little training himself and focuses mainly on selling personal training packages. He loves helping, training, teaching, motivating and education people in the areas of health and wellness. He finds great joy in bringing life saving tools to the morbidly obese and unhealthy people he sees on a regular basis but he hates the fact that money stops so many from taking advantage of the services they so desperately need. Every day he says, "I love what I do...I just wish I could do it for free."
One of the trainers he works with is a young woman with a heart for God and a masters in Theology. They have random conversations about faith and belief in the bible. One day, during one of these conversations, she mentioned that her father was a prophet.
Jay was very intrigued by this and was eager to tell me all about it. That Saturday, this woman's father called Jason and asked if he could come and visit us. I was a bit nervous but I do believe in prophetic gifts...I also believe that there are a lot of crazies who come in the name of the lord so I was rightfully guarded.
Ten minutes later, he arrived. He was probably in his 60's and he had a blue tooth in one of his ears.
He came in and sat down. He asked us questions about ourselves...I mentioned that I had written a book and he asked to see it. When I gave it to him he said, "Do you mind if I take a moment to read this?" and he proceeded to 'speed read' the entire book in front of us in about 2 minutes. He said he had trained for 6 weeks to be a speed reader and he had mastered the art. I wasn't convinced he wasn't a kook at this point.
He then told us about himself. How he is from California, he's a double doctorate in theology, he was raised in the Catholic church and could speak five languages. He was definitely one of the most interesting people I have ever met. He then spoke about us as if he knew us. He wasn't ultra specific but what he did say was very applicable.
He told us that whatever God has put in us to do with our lives, He meant for us to do it together...that we were to work with one another....that God has given Jason a help mate in me and that He had given me a protector and provider in Jason. It was true. We've always had a strong desire to do ministry with one another. We play directly off of each other's strengths and weaknesses...he wasn't saying anything shocking or surprising...the only thing shocking was that he knew it.
He stayed with us for two hours and convinced me that although he may be a bit more...how shall we say...'free spirited' than I am, he was definitely a biblical Christian who knew God's word upside down and backwards and believed it passionately to be true.
He asked if he could pray for us individually. Jay accepted. I declined. Trust issues...read my previous post to catch up on that ;)....but he graciously understood my concern and assured me his feelings weren't hurt or offended. He invited us to his church which meets at 6pm on Sunday evenings and we decided to go this past Sunday.
He encouraged us to bring the children however I didn't feel comfortable bringing them into an unknown spiritual environment without knowing it was 'safe' myself. One off the wall, un-orderly Christian experience would probably scar Caden for life.
We showed up and instead of a church building, it was more like an office. We walked in and there were about 15 people there, smiling and greeting us....we were evidently the first new comers they had encountered in a long time...if, ever.
I was really nervous when I saw this...wondering when the snakes were going to come out...
They began to sing...an older woman played the guitar and they sang song after song...mostly southern gospel choruses that brought back memories of my parents Gaither videos....(shutter)....just kidding, Dad ;)
They prayed in tongues and lifted their hands...there was no 'order of service', worship leader or regimented schedule...just a freeing gathering of people who love God and who seemingly loved each other.
It was actually really nice.
It was a pretty calm evening...everyone spoke calmly and gently...several people stood and spoke prophetically...there was a common theme to the prophesies...how God who was faithful to begin a good work would be faithful to complete it...that courage was needed to walk down the path He has pre-destined for us...it was all about embracing His direction with boldness...
Afterward, everyone swarmed us and made us feel really welcome. They assured us there were no snakes hiding in the back and amidst their laughter, I felt much better. They invited us to come back and bring the babies and we may just do that.
So, all in all, our experience with 'the prophet' was an interesting and enlightening one. Just goes to show, you can't judge a book by it's cover...unless of course, you're a prophet ;)

Trust

2010-07-02T13:12:00.001-07:00

I don't trust people. I don't say that to sound jaded or cynical...I'm not bitter or overcome with resentment and unforgiveness...I just don't trust people because, well, their not Jesus. I've learned that Jesus is the only one who can be trusted not to hurt me and He is the only one who can be trusted to define me and since scripture doesn't tell us that we need to trust everyone, or even anyone but God, I simply don't.
Now, I trust my husband to be faithful to me and to be the man he has promised he would be when he married me. He has spent our entire relationship proving himself trustworthy and providing for my every need, physical and emotional. But, at the end of the day, he is a human being and there have been moments when we've let each other down, but I trust him to stand by me no matter what so I am able to be vulnerable with him.
I trust my parents to always be there for me, no matter how old I am or what I've done/do, I can trust in their love and support.I trust in it even more so now that I know what it means to be a parent. I hope my children can always trust the same of me.
Outside of these relationships, I find it very difficult to trust people...particularly women. I have some of the most amazing female friends on the planet, yet there is a part of me that is closed off from deepening those relationships because...well...I don't trust people.
I've realized this about myself over the last few years but more so recently when I began taking an active role in a women's ministry at my church. I felt this strong desire to see women in real, authentic, healthy relationships with one another where they could feel safe and be honest...I'm starting to realize, I need to work on this very thing!
In college (or University as it's known to the folks north of the border), I was one of the guys. I organized nacho night at don Cherry's Sports Bar, I watched WWE religiously and wrestled with my guy friends...and I mean wrestled...seriously, Cliff Perry showed me no mercy :)...my guy friends were some of the deepest and real that I had for a long time and they were straight up legit. I didn't play games to get their attention and they didn't have ulterior motives with me. We were just friends and it was awesome.
But when you get married and have babies, it's no longer appropriate to be one of the guys...then you kind of come across as a hussy...and that's certainly not the persona I want to run with. I'll be honest, it was difficult for me to navigate the realm of female friendships. I only had two or three female friends that I felt truly connected with and none of us lived near each other. Luckily, I have been introduced to and have become connected with some AMAZING women over the last couple of years. Fun women with hearts for God and good heads on their shoulders...women who are a lot like me...and it's been a huge blessing to have that kind of support system in a city so far from home.
This brings me back to my trust problem...I'm working on deepening and strengthening these relationships in my life by being a good listener and a real friend...but the area I have to work on the most is opening myself up to trust people who have already proven themselves trustworthy. I can't judge future and present relationships by past relationships that hurt my heart. It's not fair to the people God has given me to share life with and it's not fair to myself.
I was talking to my dear friend, Kris Spell this morning about this very thing and I mentioned how I think I might just be cautious and how that's a smart way to be...she then put me in my place by saying, "Cautious is one thing...closed is another." Tu Chez.
I don't want to be closed off to becoming a better person through the people around me...and if anyone is reading this with the same issue and desire to change it, (and you live in Tallahassee), get involved with For Women Only at genesischurch.tv and we'll figure this thing out together.

"It is better to be in chains with friends , than to be in a garden with strangers."
-Persian Proverb

Caden and the Mullet Toss

2010-06-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

Caden took part in the St. George Island Annual Mullet Toss. Here are his skillz.

Preston James

2010-06-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

This was a few weeks ago but here's some video of Mr. Preston! Enjoy!

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Everyone in my family knows that I am (and ridicules me for being) terrible with mailing cards on time, if at all, for special occasions. Luckily, my mother was here on Mother's Day so she got her present a day early but alas, this Father's day, both my father and father-in-laws cards are still nestled in the diaper bag pocket, yet to make it to the post office.
I know. I'm awful.
Lucky for me, there's modern technology and I will use it to send my gratitude and love to the men in our lives.
We were just able to spend a lovely week at the beach with Jay's step-dad...AKA: Grandpa. Grandpa is fun and caring...he is also a baby whisperer. He has this incredible ability to calm any baby in any situation. He has been an amazing father to Jason, a wonderful father-in-law to me and a lovely grandpa to the kiddos. Thanks for everything you are and everything you do. Your card will be there, someday. It's more fun that way, because it'll be a lovely surprise. ;)
I haven't seen my dad in about a year and it may be another year before I see him again. That's tough for me, because he's a pretty awesome guy to be around. My dad is a scholar of life, who studies daily with the intensity of a masters student during finals, but he does it purely for the enjoyment of self enrichment. He is a brilliant, deep soul who tells the driest jokes you've ever heard and puts ketchup on everything. Seriously, everything.
My dad has been an example of forgiveness and transformation in my life. I remember little about my father before he accepted Christ but I know that he became a radically different man and it's because of his decision to follow Jesus that I am the woman I am now. I hope that I can be the example of discipleship to my children the way he has been to me. Waking early to meditate on the words of a worn out bible, duct taped together and falling apart from overuse. Always asking forgiveness when necessary. Pouring scripture into our ears to the point of nauseam. I'm better because of you. Thanks for being my dad. It is through your example that I was able to find and marry a man who is an incredible husband and father...I knew what to look for based on your example.
Your card will be an even greater surprise because it will arrive about two weeks after it's mailed, given your geographical distance...but oh, what a glorious day at the post office that will be :)
Happy Father's Day!

Don't Leave

2010-06-16T21:13:00.001-07:00

I know I have done a very poor job of maintaining this blog lately…it’s midnight right now and although I should be sleeping, I am writing because it’s the only chance I’ve had to do so in a while. I miss it.
I’ve been in the midst of raising two boys (one of which is a newborn baby), promoting a book, selling a house (we’re getting closer and closer each day but the paperwork has been INSANE), obtaining greencard status for Jay in Canada (which also requires an insane amount of time consuming paperwork), helping to create a women’s ministry and sustain my prayer life, home, relationships and sanity in the process.
I’m not complaining…promise. Just justifying my online absence has of late…and begging you to stick around…keep checking in. I promise, my writing will become more interesting and consistent when I figure out how to add the blogging plate the the rest of the ones I’m spinning.
I love to write and am excited about what’s happening with the book and what’s to come when I have more time to focus on arranging speaking engagements and marketing…but for right now, I am spending the summer enjoying Caden before he starts school, getting to know Preston as he grows and changes at an insanely fast pace and enjoying the blessings around me.
In the mean time, like i said, please, don’t leave.

Sour Milk

2010-05-31T11:38:00.000-07:00

That's what I smell like most of the time. But hey, that's what I signed up for...and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I very much enjoy being a mother of two...I think it suits me...once Caden became super independent and my book was written/submitted, I became a bit bored. I worked a little over the winter at the Episcopal church but when that ended, I found my pregnant-self often bored, complacent and lonely with not much to do but swell.
Having a baby forces you out of complacency...and having a 4 year old, vying for your attention while you're watching the baby, adds to the chaos...and I like it. I like being needed...I like having boys to pour into and take care of. I like knowing that my job is important and making a difference in at least 2-3 lives, each day.
It isn't all that glamourous and certainly not considered labor intensive by many of the world's standards...but I know at the end of the day that I've put in some serious time and that I love my job.
Preston is sleeping 10 hours straight at night...not kidding...the boy is 6 weeks old and gets a better night sleep than the rest of us. He is healthy, happy and strong.
Caden is a handfull and a half but when he's not in time out for hurting the cat, he's making me laugh and helping me around the house.
Life is good...all around...there are stresses, points of anxiety, areas of grey...but for the most part, I couldn't imagine being more blessed than I am now.
I am actively thinking about my next book. I'm going to start referring to myself as an 'author' and 'stay at home mom' instead of just the latter. I'll have a silent satisfaction as I list my occupations on future medical forms and the like...it's amazing to be in the midst of becoming something you've always wanted to be...it's exciting to see God's hand and plan at work...it's insane to think about how it all came about.
I'm happy, I'm blessed, I'm excited, I'm overwhelmed (in a good way) and I smell like sour milk.

NOTE: My book is available for ordering. Check out the side link to order now!

Life

2010-05-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

Life doesn't leave much time for writing these days...something I miss during the craziness of being a mom of multiple children...but I figured I would take a few minutes while both boys are sleeping to let everyone know how things are going. They are going great.
Preston is an incredible little boy who weighs 10 lbs and 13 ozs already and sleeps really well at night. He has started smiling and cooing and making facial expressions and can hold his head better than any baby his age I have ever witnessed. I think he'll be walking and eating steak by 4 months :)
Caden has adjusted marvelously to life as a big brother. I couldn't be more proud of him. He started school, 3 afternoons a week and will transition into full-time preK in August. I can't believe he's going to real school this fall...it's a bit insane that time goes by so quickly.
I am feeling fantastic. No post-pardum whatsoever...I figure it's because I just don't have time to be sad :)
My first book was released in May and is available for pre-order now. I'll be posting more about ordering it in the near future, once someone teaches me how to set up a website, etc. This is all so brand new to me...and with a newborn, starting a business and promoting my first work is a bit of a daunting task...but it's one I take on humbly and graciously.
Jay transitioned into a new roll at his work place, taking over the management of the personal training and fitness side of things instead of managing the facility. He is LOVING it. It's such an amazing fit for him and it's revealing so much about what he loves to do and what God has gifted him to be. He's also kicking some serious tail with selling PT which is comforting for the pocket book :)
The best part is that he is no longer on call or expected to work weekends...and he works 8-12 and 4-8, Monday through Friday, with a chunk of time off in the afternoon to hang out with us. I couldn't be more thrilled.
...so life is busy, but better than I could ever ask for...and it stops for no one...so I must run and get the boys ready, bring Caden to school, feed Preston, run some errands...etc, etc, etc.
Stay tuned. I promise, I'm still here :)

Moms of Toddlers Devotions to Go

2010-05-17T18:09:00.001-07:00

The time has come! My book is available for pre-order! Since this is my first rodeo, I gave everyone the website address for ordering the book when it's probably in my best interest to have everyone order it directly from me...and I can sign it then to, if requested :)
So, let me know via email if you'd like a copy of the book and I'll let you know how to purchase from there.
kathylynnstock@hotmail.com

Thanks!

Mother's Day

2010-05-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

Genesischurch.tv kindly asked me to speak at the Mother's Day service last Sunday. It was a humbling and awesome experience to have my first speaking gig be among the church family I love so dearly. It was a special day. My mom was there, Preston was dedicated and my book went on sale for the first time. God showed up, calmed my nerves and graciously spoke through me to reach others and I was so overwhelmingly blessed by the whole thing. It was an amazing day, filled with evidence of His presence. If you want to check it out, click here.

Freaked Out

2010-04-27T04:41:00.001-07:00

So, last night was the first night Preston slept in his nursery. He went down at 11 and didn't wake again to eat until 3am! Since it was his first time sleeping more than arms length away, I had the baby monitor up nice and loud and woke up every hour, nervous that I may have missed something while sleeping. But at 3 am, he woke and I went to feed him.
After about 40 minutes of eating, he was ready to settle back down. I put him in his crib, swaddled him up, put the paci in his mouth and went back upstairs.
He was peaceful and quiet when I left but by the time I got upstairs, I could hear him grunting and groaning through the monitor. I got back in bed, hoping he would settle back down on his own. He did this forabout 30 minutes while I lay listening.
Suddenly, I heard a voice, faintly on the monitor reception. I immediately assumed I was picking up a cordless phone frequency and thought nothing of it, other than how annoying it was.
Preston got a little louder...still not crying but grunting a lot. Then I heard the voice say, "Shhhh, Shhhh, it's ok. You're with someone who loves you."
WHAT?! I shot up in bed and woke Jay, telling him what happened and made a mad dash downstairs. When I got to Preston's room, he was silently sleeping, all alone in his room (thank goodness!) and when i listened for the baby monitor again the grunting and calming voice was still happening.....long story short, my monitor was picking up a crystal clear signal from the baby monitor next door and that baby that had been fussing and keeping me awake wasn't even mine!!!
Relieved, I decided to sleep on the couch for the rest of the night and forgo the monitor...but it took me forever to get back to sleep because my adrenaline was through the roof from being so freaked out.

He's Here

2010-04-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Preston James Stock
9 pounds, 1 oz, 21.5 inches long
Born April 18, 2010 at 4:56pm and he's perfect in every way.

It's Not About You

2010-04-15T08:07:00.000-07:00

I am really sad today about how people so easily throw in the towel on Christianity. My life is filled with individuals who at one point or another, passionately loved God but checked out as soon as things got boring, complicated or too difficult. For some reason, I've been burdened about this a lot this morning. I didn't sleep last night (because I'm too uncomfortable to) and I was looking forward to grabbing some rest this morning while Caden is at his friend's house but I can't shut my mind off. I can't stop thinking about God's heart and how it must break at the way His children view Him.
I think when people start thinking about God or even 'get saved' they fall into this false mentality that it's about them. That God was created for their happiness, pleasure and purposes when the opposite is true. God wasn't created for you. You were created for God...and by God.
This selfish type of Christianity is fueled by what we've made it. We use the words 'Personal Savior' when that doesn't appear anywhere in scripture. He's not your personal savior like your personal butler or your personal gardener who is ordered and directed to fit the needs of you and your household. He is God. He created the world and everything in it and He alone knows what everything and everyone is created for.
I'm realizing that salvation is very different than what most new Christians think that it is...and perhaps it is our fault for false advertising...but I think the misconception is what causes so many people to say 'yes' to God and then fizzle out quickly when it doesn't look or feel the way they thought it would.
I realize that there are plenty of happy people who don't love God. Being a Christian is not about the pursuit of happiness. Lots of things will make you happy...in fact, sometimes choosing God will make you uncomfortable, tense and persecuted. The promise of Christianity is not happiness and situational perfection...it is purpose.
Salvation is a choice that may or not feel good to make. So many people wait for a moment of heightened emotionalism in an appropriate church environment before accepting Christ and that moment becomes their 'Salvation moment'. We wait for that moment when it feels right...a movie-esque, emotional readiness...the problem is that when that 'feeling' fades away, so does the lifestyle. Salvation is recognizing that there is a God, believing that He came to earth as a human who took the blame for everything we have done, are doing or are going to do that separates us from who He is and then choosing to say, "You can have me, God...you have control over my stuff, my goals, my family, my future...You may or may not change the details of my life but if you do, it's OK with me because I trust you, love you and am so humbled by what you did for me that I am going to chose to live my life for you, regardless of what that means. Forgive me and make me better than I am. I'm excited about becoming the person you've created me to be."
This is not an easy choice. We live in a world driven by selfishness. We pursue money and status and anything that increases our pleasure and decreases our pain. That's why so many people choose not to live for God...why sell out to something when it doesn't guarantee that things will be great for me?
BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.
And that's why it's a choice. You have every right to say, "No thanks, I'm good. I'm happy, I have success, money, friends, family and I love my life just the way it is." God has given you a thinking mind and the ability to chose Him or protect your assets. The bible explains that the end result of this kind of living is eternally separation from God = Hell. I, for one, am not terribly motivated by this. I don't chose God as a means of avoiding Hell. I honestly don't. It's not about where I end up...even though I know my soul is homesick for Heaven, my motivation to love God and raise my children to love him is not wrapped up in an intense fear of Hell. It's wrapped up in a love and trust for God as my Father. I can have everything this world has to offer but if He's not a part of it, it's useless and has no value. We get one life and one chance to be great...and since God's weakness is greater than my strongest moment, I want Him to be what I live for. Following God isn't about getting into Heaven, although it will be glorious to see Him face to face someday...it's about embracing what life is all about. Want to know what 'this' is all about? It's God! He made it, He orchestrated it, He formed it, He loves it and it's all for Him...and when we chose to say, "I believe there's a God but that's about as deep as it goes," we're missing out on the purpose of being alive...we are making God fit into our world instead of asking Him how we fit into His.
I know SO many people who once loved God but don't have time for Him anymore and I hate it. I hate what He has become in the lives of people who have tried other things and like them better. I hate how His heart must break at the rejection He receives from His own children...but I am realizing that it comes down to simply choosing...and a person can't be convinced to be a Christian based on false promises of a flawless future or scaring them into loving God by dangling Hell in front of their face. It's a choice that you make whether you feel it's the right moment or not. It's a daily choice to seek His face and do His work in the planet...to view your life differently than just to accumulate as much good as you can for yourself. It's about surrendering your right to have everything you want and accepting the fullness and purpose that comes from being everything He wants.
I'm probably rambling...I just really wish people saw God for who He is, not what He can do for them. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing you walk through life with the Creator of it. There's nothing better by which to define yourself because your job can come and go...your assets can go up in smoke...your family and friends can disappoint you...your body will age and deteriorate...your children will grow up and have lives of their own...the only one who is unchanging and can define your worth and your purpose is God, the Father.
I hope more people start to see how incredible He is and make the choice to come home.

In Case You Were Wondering...

2010-04-14T13:07:00.000-07:00

The baby is not here yet.

Figuring Things Out

2010-04-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

I like figuring things out. I like blacks and whites, rights and wrongs, can's and can't's.
The older I get and the more experiences I have, the more I realize how life is not a formula and that more grey and uncertainty abounds than I care to admit. In many cases, there is more than one right way to do something...and often times, what is right doesn't necessarily feel good, comfortable or very right at all.
I've had a few conversations lately that have helped me recognize the power of my language and the limitations it and my ideas of who I am have placed on who I can be...more importantly, on what God can do through me.
As part of my obsession with having things neatly figured out, I like to have a firm grasp on what it is that I as a person can and can't do. There is safety in sticking with what you're good at and leaving the rest to someone else.
I've very narrowly defined myself by steering clear of what scares me and embracing the things that I find easiest or most comfortable...
I say I can't play sports, even though I have never really tried or received any training or tips to get better.
I say I can't drive a stick shift because at one time, I stalled out. Instead of pressing through and learning how to do it, I told myself it wasn't meant to be.
I love singing and playing the piano on my own but am intimidated about doing so with a band for fear of not being good enough.
I often say how much better I am at writing than physically speaking my thoughts and shy away from opportunities to express anything of depth verbally.
I put myself in a box and throw God's power in there with me...instead of stepping out in faith, truly believing that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me.
Now, I'm not saying that I can excel at everything if I just try hard enough. I don't believe that I can be whatever I want to be. That may sound morbid and hopeless, but it's true. I do however believe that I can be whatever God has called me to be and that His calling may not necessarily fall in line with my limited definition of who I am.
I've met people on the other end of the spectrum. I remember working with a man who had 0 natural musical ability but believed that it was his area of expertise. He had no rhythm and was completely tone deaf but when asked what he felt God had gifted him to do he proudly replied, "Music is my gift".
Sometimes we can be so blinded by what we want that we miss what we're suppose to have...we settle for being mediocre in the area of our choice instead of surrendering our right to choose and embracing greatness in the area God has for us.
I also use to be one of those people who believed that God called people to very specific paths, locations, occupations...that He created a path for us called "GOD'S WILL" and that we needed to seek Him with such sensitivity as to not miss a single step. I don't believe that anymore.
I have become convinced that God could manipulate me like a marionette if he wanted but that He choses not to...and I believe that regardless of whether I am 'here' or 'there', I can be everything that He has called me to be...and that obstacles or open doors that lead me from point A to point B are just part of this life thing...and life can't be figured out. It unfolds and develops and takes unexpected turns but He walks along side as an intimate guide...he doesn't drag from the front or shove from the back.
All of this to say, I am excited about my future and scared to death of it. I'm uncertain about everything except God's presence and I guess that's how it should be...it allows me to define myself by nothing and no one but the one who created me. I am going to start to chose my language and my attitude about my life and my abilities much more carefully so as not to sabotage myself or my potential.
God and I are coming out of the box.

Good Friday

2010-04-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

When I was 9, our church put together an Easter play. We practiced for weeks, my mom made costumes, we gathered props...I was so excited to be a part of it. My role? Middle curtain holder. That's right. We had assembled a hand held curtain which was a long piece of draping fabric, with three hockey sticks attached to it (how very Canadian, eh?) and three people walked the curtain out and blocked the public from seeing the scenery changes. I held the middle hockey stick...and I pretty much thought the production would not be able to happen without me. I took my job very seriously :)
The performance took place during the Good Friday service. When it was over, I went to the woman in charge and thanked her for letting me be a part of it. She laughed and said, "You're thanking me because you got to hold the curtain? Well, you're welcome!"
At the time, I couldn't figure out why she thought that was so funny, but I didn't think much about it.
After coming home, exhausted from my intense acting debut (sarcasm) I sat in my bedroom alone and thought about the production...and in the midst of my excitement and enthusiasm for having been a part of it, I began to cry. I specifically thought about the part of the production where the actors portrayed the scene of Jesus feeding the 5000...then I thought about what inevitably happened to him on the cross.
I remember that moment like it was yesterday...I was heart broken and guilt ridden about what Jesus went through, because he didn't deserve it. He was innocent. He was love.
I believe the story of feeding the 5000 stood out to me because it was a representation of how to do ministry God's way. That in the midst of the stress, demands, chaos and the hungry people waiting to be fed, Christ was nothing but patience and love. He physically showed us how to be his hands and feet AND attitude...he was perfection...the last person who deserved pain and rejection.
Every Good Friday since I was nine, I think about that...I know we aren't to live in a state of guilt and mourning...that doing so would negate the sacrifice that God so willingly made...but today, this day, is a day to remember in reverence the action that God took to show us the depth of his love for us. Today is a day to make the 'main thing' the main thing. It's a day to fall on our faces and say we're sorry and we're humbled and we graciously accept with unworthiness the sacrifice of love that this day represents. It's a day to stand in awe of who God is and what motivates Him to do what He does...His out-of-control love for you and me.

I'm Ready

2010-03-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

Caden is ready for his little brother to meet him.
Daddy is ready to hold his second born son.
Mama is ready to see her newest little man and experience life with her entire family.
I sat in Preston's room today and prayed over his bed, for rest and protection. I prayed over his rocking chair, that the comfort, food and quality time he spends in it will bring him health, peace and happiness. I prayed that he be as perfect as humanity is capable of being...that he love God and be aware of Him his entire life...that he would be set apart...the same prayer I've been praying for his big brother, long before I ever saw his face.
Early in this pregnancy, there were moments when I mourned the loss of our family of three, where I worried about whether I could love another child the way I do Caden and I wondered how Caden would do with having a sibling around.
I was apprehensive about the changes down the road.
Now, I feel like we're not quite complete without Mr. Preston...we're all excited to see his face, to make memories with him, to hold him and know he's OK. What once felt like normal and comfortable, doesn't feel quite normal or right without him being here too.
So, anytime you're ready Preston, we're ready too. We love you already.

A Silly 4 Year Old

2010-03-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Pro-Life

2010-03-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this term a lot today. I feel like I need to write about it and when that feeling arises, it's usually suppose to. I have no idea if this is meant for one person, one hundred or just for me to articulate my thoughts. Either way, here it goes.
I am pro-life. This doesn't just describe how I feel about abortion, as so many people apply the terminology, but I'll start there. I believe that life begins at the moment of conception. I believe that God has called us to protect young, fragile and innocent life, regardless of how inconvenient or ruthless it's coming about. I understand that this isn't a black and white subject...that the woman who utilizes abortion as a last resort form of 'birth control' and the young girl who was raped by a family member are in completely different situations when it comes to their position, their responsibility for conception and their emotional state. I hate that in a sinful, ugly world, women sometimes have their innocence stolen from them and that in the most heart breaking cases, a child is brought into a horrifying situation due to this injustice however, I have to stand and believe that this still doesn't give anyone of us the right to take a life. Could I ever look an abused, raped or incest victim in the face and judge her harshly? Never in my life. But I believe in God's ability to take that nightmare and transform it into a victory, a beautiful story of redemption and grace. I believe every child is capable of being a man or woman after God's own heart.
Being pregnant, I've often wondered what I would do if the doctor told me that my pregnancy was putting my life at risk. This is another area of grey when it comes to abortion. As a woman of faith, I believe in God's ability to overcome obstacles and perform miracles...I would find it difficult, near impossible, to terminate a pregnancy based on what a doctor said was imminent danger when God is so much bigger than medicine and disease but at the same time, I have been given a mind and heart to make decisions for the well-being of my family. I was watching a TLC special the other day about a woman who's rare type of pregnancy was killing her. After coming close to death, the pregnancy was terminated to save her life. I whispered a prayer for her. I can't imagine being in that position. This type of pregnancy termination is so situational...and so difficult...and so case specific. I honestly don't know what I would do. On one hand, I have a family that needs me...on the other, I could be carrying a miracle child who just needed time to prove the medical community wrong...I hope I never have to face a decision of that magnitude. I praise God that both my boys had/have been healthy pregnancies. I am burdened today for women who have faced tragedy within pregnancy. Such an event requires super-human strength to deal.
I have no rage, anger or hatred towards any woman who has made a decision to terminate a pregnancy. I believe that angry protests with disturbing imagery is not the way to tackle this problem in society. It just fuels the widely though public opinion that Christians are heartless and crazy. I instead mourn the loss of the innocent and pray whole heartedly that women who feel like they have no other option, would find another option and we will invest our money and resources into areas that help provide those alternate solutions (the local women's pregnancy center, adoption organizations, etc).
Those who have followed my political writings are aware that I wasn't the biggest George W. Bush fan in the world, but I have to publicly commend him on his stance and pro-activeness on the position of abortion. He made great strides in the ending of late term abortion, a ruthless practice and although I believe that politics is not souly in place to overturn Roe Vs. Wade, I hope someday it's illegal to kill unborn children in this country, the same as it is illegal to kill anyone else. So that's my pro-life stance when it comes to abortion.
I don't believe a person can rightfully call themselves 'pro-life' if they are for the death penalty. People who are against abortion but for the death penalty can rightfully call themselves 'anti-abortionists' but not 'pro-life'. Life is life. The life of the unborn and innocent and the life of the sinful man or woman. By saying we can decide which citizens are fit to live and die is far too much power for any judge or jury to have. This is an out-dated and barbaric establishment that needs to be thrown out. From a spiritual perspective, it negates a lot of what Jesus died for. Jesus came and lived a sinless life, taking on the sins of the world (the murderer, rapist, gossiper, adulterer etc.) and dying for them so that we wouldn't have to...so that in Him, we could be dramatically changed and healed of our transgressions, no matter how miniscule or gargantuan. It's amazing to me that an American court room would have put Saul to death before he had the opportunity to become Paul. Trust me, I don't say this lightly. If anyone sexually assaulted, purposefully injured or took the lives of my children, I would need God's strength and probably the restraint of several burly men to keep me from taking that person out with my bare hands. As humans, we are entitled to anger, redemption and justice. As Christians, we are called to be immeasurably more and to recognize what God can do to miraculously transform a monster into a disciple. We are called to lay down our right for revenge. God is the one who chooses who lives and who dies. Christians often take a stance on this when it comes to abortion and euthanasia, but not the death penalty. It's always blown me away that we're so passionate about saving one life but so eager to fry another. God can make a miracle of both the unwanted, inconvenient and undeserving.
Outside of the whole Jesus thing :), capital punishment has taken the lives of innocent people, killing them for crimes they did not commit. In Florida alone, a non-profit organization called the Innocence Project has proven the innocence of 7 people who were either sentenced to life in prison or the death penalty. I had the opportunity to meet one of these men who was awarded millions of dollars in 'we're sorry we took 25 years away from your life and almost killed you' money...no amount of money can buy back what he's lost in both time and emotional/ mental strain. Thank God he wasn't killed before his innocence was proven. Many have not been as lucky. Also, it costs 70% more for a person to be on death row than to complete a life sentence in a maximum security facility. Trends in death penalty cases also prove it to be racist, sexist and biased. Check out the stats and facts at Amnesty International's Web Page.
Jay and I often watch 'Lock Up'. On this show, they highlight different offenders and tell the back story of their lives. The majority have had hellish upbringings, abusive homes and overwhelming neglect. I don't condone law breaking or violent acts but after hearing where a lot of these people have come from and lived through, I wonder if I wouldn't be the same way had I not grown up in a loving, protective family. Being 'pro-life' means seeing the whole person and recognizing the sanctity of what God has made, not seeing the crime alone and declaring that person hopeless and worthless. Amazing Grace is for them too.
So I guess, to make a long story even longer, I am pro-life...meaning I believe in the sanctity of human life. I believe that God is bigger than anything we have done, could do or will do and that through Him we can surrender 'our rights' and do 'the right thing.' I recognize that it's easy for me to sit here and write about this topic and sound self-righteous. I am not. Trust me. I have an overwhelming amount of empathy for women who find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy...and I could never look a woman in the face, whose husband has been murdered by a ruthless, unapologetic killer and condescendingly say, "You just need to love the criminal the way that Christ loves the church." I know that this is a near impossible feat, that outside of Christ it doesn't make sense and that if it were me, I would probably struggle my entire life to get through the hate but I know what I believe God has called us to do, as men and women after His own heart. His greatest commandment was not for us to end abortion or maintain the man-made rituals of the church or take a pro-active stance against homosexuality...it is to love. Love. With no limits and no restrictions. It's easy to love the cute, kind and deserving. He has called us to love every one.
I hope and pray that this resonated with somebody who is needing and ready to lay down their right of being exhaustingly angry, cripplingly self-centered and painfully confused and take on new found eyes and thankfulness for the sanctity of human life, without harsh judgement towards those who may see things a different way.
If you made it to the end of this, thanks for reading.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14.

I'm Back! (No pun intended)

2010-03-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been MIA for a week or so. Baby Preston has descended into my lower abdomen (otherwise known as 'dropping' but that sounds so violent to me...) and his new position is wreaking havoc on my lower spine. Sunday afternoon, I sat on my couch to watch an MSNBC special about Newfoundland and it's role in 9/11 (amazing story by the way) and afterwards, I couldn't walk without terrible pain. For the majority of this week, I've been laying down, hobbling from bathroom to bed to couch and back again, unable to sit upright in a chair. This all stems from an injury I suffered many years ago and due to Preston's low lying position, is rearing it's ugly head again. Nothing chiropractics and ARP therapy can't tackle once Preston's out. Until then, the goal is to stay comfortable, resting when possible, preparing for Preston's exit. Herniated disks make childbirth seem so much more excruciating. Oh well, he's worth it.
Caden was always uncomfortably high while I was pregnant, giving me horrible heartburn and never really 'dropping' at all. 3 weeks before his due date he made his appearance just the same. Preston is in a very different position and although his sudden descent has caused my heartburn and windedness to almost disappear, my lower back is taking the brunt of the force.
I have to thank everyone who has come to my aid this week, helping with Caden, fixing meals for us, giving me rides to the chiropractor and hospital, calling to check in, sending uplifting emails and facebook comments and playing the violin for me while I whine. You know who you are. Thanks SO much.
As of right now, I'm feeling MUCH better than I did at the start of the week. I'm still unable to sit upright for any length of time without having my walking compromised but as long as I avoid evil chairs, I'm able to function pretty well without much pain. Thank God!
I'm nervous about going out in public and having a flare up. I really don't know until I go from sitting to walking whether or not I'll be able to put one foot in front of the other but I think with a few more days of rest, I'll be doing great...as long as I don't do anything stupid like wash the floor on my hands and knees or move furniture around. Nesting is dangerous. Lesson learned.
In other news, Caden is amazing and super excited about being a big brother. Jay is experiencing some serious success in his new position at Gold's Gym. The owners of the company are thrilled with what he is bringing to the table and this month feels more natural and right than last month did. The hours are long and the work sometimes taxing, but he is doing an incredible job. Very proud of him.
My mom and sister are coming to visit in May. I can't wait. It's going to be amazing. We're also planning a nice, mini-vacation with Jason's parents for June which will be a much needed refresher for everyone. Caden is really looking forward to his family coming, although he's not impressed that 'Pop's gotta work'. Hopefully we'll see Pop sooner than later ;)
I'm mailing the final edits of my book to the publisher tomorrow. I would have sent it earlier this week but the whole being immobile thing made it difficult to focus on anything but walking erect successfully. I'm so humbled and excited about this opportunity and can't wait to start working on the next piece.
Well, that's all for now. Thanks for stopping by and catching up.

BabyWise

2010-03-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of the BabyWise Series by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. When Caden was a toddler I was so conflicted about my parenting style, how I wanted to discipline, structure, educate...just about everything. I checked out many books, all of which didn't resonate with me...many of which contradicted themselves...but then I picked up ToddlerWise and I was hooked. I highly recommend this series to anyone and everyone who needs info about children. There's BabyWise (a Sleep Reference Guide), BabyWise (6-12 months I think...), ToddlerWise, Pre-schoolWise, ChildWise, ...you get the picture.
As soon as I found out Preston was coming I ordered the BabyWise books and am just now having the time to read through them. I'm excited about being more confident and equipped this time around. Poor Caden was kind of like my guinea pig but thankfully he's turning out to be a pretty awesome little man in spite of my inabilities and hopefully because of our guidance as well.
The one theme that really echos within me as being true and right in this series is the importance of a healthy marriage in the role of raising a child. If you're a single parent or divorced co-parents, this doesn't mean your children can't be healthy human beings. Single parents (in my opinion) are the strongest people on the planet. Some marriages are so toxic that (depending on the circumstances) parenting and functioning separately is what's best for everyone involved. What I'm referring to is that IF there are two parents in the home, functioning as a married couple, that unit has a profound effect on their children and the health of it is the best gift they can give their kids.
One of my favourite lessons in parenting came from Phil Harris when he spoke at genesischurch.tv a few years ago. He said, "There was an 'us' before there was a 'them'."
So often when a child comes into the picture, a couple's focus shifts from each other to their child. The family becomes child centered. This is almost always done unintentionally and innocently. After all, what's not to love about your child? The joy and hope and warmth they bring is indescribable. I remember when Jay and I brought Caden home, we were both filled with this newfound sense that the world was a much better place now that he was in it.
Often times, couples put their children before each other, thinking this is best for the child when in fact, it's detrimental to them. Childwise talks about a little girl who was having trouble sleeping through the night and staying in her own bed. Each day she was tended to by her stay-at-home mom and each evening when Dad got home, he focused completely on her, playing with her, reading to her...doing all of the things great Dads do. They were baffled as to why she was such an unhealthy sleeper. After meeting with the authors of this book and implementing a nightly 'couch time' (a time when the parents sit and talk, in full view of their child, but make it clear that it's 'their' time and they are not to be interrupted) she was sleeping peacefully, all night long. The parents were confused as to how these two things correlated but soon realized that in the middle of the night, when they were both trying to get their little girl to sleep, was the only time she saw them working together, being together, talking to each other...and she craved it.
Kids want to see their parents making each other a priority. Parents need to feel confident in saying, "Daddy will play with you in just a minute but first I want to spend time with Mommy." We think this may cause our child to feel rejected, when in actuality (whether they whine about it in the moment or not) they need it, they crave it, they feel safe when their parents are united, confident in their family unit being a strong one.
Jay and I make a point to go on dates and we make sure Caden knows what we're doing and why. When we get dressed up and call a sitter, he asks, "Are you going on a date?" Sometimes he'll say, "I wanna come!" but we gently remind him that dates are special time for Mommy and Daddy to be together alone. This doesn't have to be expensive. Sometimes we call someone who is willing to watch Caden for free and we sit outside of Starbucks and talk for hours. For less than 3 bucks, you can have a great date night out.
It's hilarious how my 4 year old is already excited about getting married. He knows that what we have is a good thing. We have family time and one on one time where Caden gets to spend quality time with just me or just Daddy, but date night is a major priority for the health of our marriage and the health of our boys. We want to model the kind of marriage we want them to have...After all, my job is not to raise a child...it's to raise an adult...it's to raise him to leave me, as much as that stings. If he's not capable of leaving home, confident in his ability to function in the world, unafraid of failing in order to succeed then someday finding a wife and treating her like a queen, we've done something wrong. How we model life, especially marriage, plays a huge part in his success later in life.
I'm blessed to have married a man who's mother and step-father modeled a loving relationship. Bob loves Cathy. Cathy loves Bob. It's beautiful to watch...they are best friends.
I was blessed to watch my mother be an exceptional wife and my father be an exceptional husband. Because of his example, I knew what to look for and because of hers, I learned how to reciprocate love.
A healthy marriage is the best gift a married couple can give to their kids. I pray first that above all else Caden and Preston love God and live for Him. I want this for them more than I want academic success, professional success, anything. Secondly, I want them to be amazing husbands some day...who will then become amazing fathers. I can't wait to see and meet their beautiful families.

At Last...

2010-03-08T11:39:00.000-08:00

Life has slowed down to a comfortable walking pace. Last week was my final week working at the Episcopal Church and I must say, as much as I loved it, learned a ton and needed the money, I'm glad to be done. I think I spent most of last week out of breath...between training the new hire (who I had to find myself!), a billion errands, Caden's birthday party (he turned 4 on Thursday!), worship team, traveling several hours to attend and play at a wedding and the whole baby growing thing, I was flat out exhausted. Today marks the start of a few low key weeks before Mr. Preston arrives. MUCH needed down time.
I do have to spend some of that time getting his room ready. We've done nothing. Thankfully, Shea and Matt Tillery have SHOWERED us with baby stuff so we've got a lot of the things we need. I just need to get some nursery decor together and a few odds and ends to feel really ready. He'll be here before we know it!
I'm due April 16th but Caden showed up 2.5 weeks, early weighing in at 7 pounds after measuring small his whole pregnancy...this child is a bit larger so I wouldn't be opposed to having him at the beginning of April...but I'll wait 'til he's done cooking...not like I have choice! ;)
I need to do some reading to feel prepared for this labor, delivery and newborn thing. I know I've done it before, but it was a while ago and I'm assuming that like every pregnancy, every labor is different too. I'm sure a refresher wouldn't hurt.
I also have been sent the final online copy of my book! I need to go through it and edit anything that I feel needs changing and then it should begin printing. The book is due on the 15th of April...Preston is due on the 16th...crazy.
So I'll be using my new found quiet time to prep for Preston's arrival, play with Caden, feel sane and upkeep the blog, since I've been slacking in recent weeks.
My home, my life, my parenting, my brain...it's all starting to feel right again...I'm so overwhelmingly thankful for my life.

Brain Explosion

2010-02-23T12:26:00.000-08:00

That's what best describes my brain in the midst of the chaos that is life these days.
I'm working less than 20 hours a week, trying to do a job that involves about 30-40 hours of work...this means I'm always taking stuff home, bringing Caden into the office after his nap and really stressed out about dropping the ball and forgetting the details.
I've enjoyed my time at the church but I'm ready to move on and not be torn in a billion different directions.
My beautiful and amazing friend Kris has graciously been not only taking care of Caden while I work in the mornings, but has been picking him up and dropping him off at my door. Amazing. Life would not be functioning right now without her.
Jay's new job better be worth the cash. That's all I'm saying about that...nah, I'll say some more.
He is the hardest worker I've ever known and no one puts more pressure on Jay than Jay. He's been working 9-8, everyday and lost two of his three sales people during his first week of work because they relocated/took new positions somewhere else. This has left him working every day of the week (weekends included) to reach goals and that doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon. I know there's no where he'd rather be than with us but I also know that he has a passionate drive to make sure we have everything we need. I have so much respect for him and I miss him.
The new schedule has been hard. I am once again affirmed in thinking that single parents are the strongest people in the world. It's been really hard to do this on my own, since Jay and Caden are only seeing each other about 45 minutes a day in the mornings before work. We pick him up at 8 each evening (which usually turns into 8:30 if there's an issue at the gym) and Caden falls asleep on the way back to the house. I'm thinking that he is needing to be in bed by 7:30 with his new found aversion to daytime napping but with our car-sharing, that's not a possibility right now. He's been acting out a good bit and copping a big time attitude with me and others he feels comfortable enough with to lash out at. I feel bad for the little guy...he's just trying to adjust to the new schedule but I'm also having to crack down pretty hard on the behavior. It's been exhausting to say the least. We use to pull a great 'good cop-bad cop' routine...but now I'm the only cop around most of the time. Each day I bring Jay to work, go to work, run around like a crazy person getting things done, rush home, deal with a tired and attitude-filled little boy, get him in the bed...by this time it's 2:30 and I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast. Not good for a pregnant lady...Me hungry! Me want food!
I am about 33 weeks pregnant and am feeling pretty good. I tested positive for gestational diabetes during my first screening but I think it may have been a false reading. I'm still waiting to hear the results from the second screening which I'm hoping is fine...no news is good news, right?
I'm excited to set up Preston's nursery next week!! Baby furniture is tucked into every corner of the living room and thanks to my amazing friend and the most generous soul ever, Shea Tillery, I will have a truck load (literally) of more baby stuff tomorrow that her precious son Ollie has grown out of. My handful of close friends are the most amazing a woman could ever ask for.
I hope this post isn't coming across as negative, because I gave negativity up for Lent :) but it is my current reality. The key is that in the midst of the craziness, chaos, attitudes, ups and downs, I chose to be the best person I can be and count my blessings, which are numerous. Somedays I succeed...other days I fail miserably...thankfully, there's grace on those days.
The house is a MESS so I am going to go nest-it-up a little bit and maximize the 'none-swollen-feet' hours of the day to get some work done.
Until next time...when I have something a bit more inspirational to say...

New Hair

2010-02-20T10:30:00.001-08:00

I think I am experiencing some cutter's remorse...but it's only hair and it will grow back.

Turning the other cheek

2010-02-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

“But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” Matthew 5:39

I've heard this passage of scripture 1000 times before. I'll be honest, I haven't read it recently but for some reason, it flashed into my mind this morning as I lay in bed, awake and praying for a woman in my life. This person doesn't read my blog and isn't on my facebook so this is not some lame attempt to send a passage aggressive message to someone in a cryptic way. I don't believe in using public sites for such purposes.

I was praying for a woman I know who is very angry and bitter. A woman who believes herself to be a victim of all things. A woman who refuses to acknowledge that anything unhealthy in her life is her fault or her choice. I've been praying for this person for quite some time. I woke up this morning in the 6 o'clock hour with her on my mind. I began praying peace over her. I began praying that God would change her heart. Suddenly Matthew 5:39 flashed across my mind and I began to interpret that verse in a way I hadn't before.

This verse isn't Jesus telling us to be passive and meek in the face of adversity. It isn't him telling us not to fight or stick up for ourselves when being oppressed. It isn't him saying, "If someone literally hits you, stand there and let him hit you again."

I believe that one way this scripture can be viewed is of Jesus saying, "Chose your attitude."

If you get smacked in the cheek, you have every right to be hurt and angry. You can say that you are entitled to your pain and show everyone you meet how red that part of your face is. You can use your sore jaw as a reason to be ugly to people, to be self-centered, to be inwardly focused. You can rub your face and grow angrier and angrier every time you think of the person who did that to you. You can let the red, throbbing side of your face be the part that represents you....or.....you can turn the other cheek outward and let THAT side represent you.

In the midst of having every reason to be sad, angry, depressed and selfish, you can chose to literally put your best face forward. You can chose your attitude.

I think Jesus might have been saying, "When someone hurts you, show them the best sides of you...let them know they can't defeat you with their negativity and their abuse because you chose not to be defeated. Show them the good side even when they get on your bad side."

It was an interesting thought...not one that came from countless hours, dissecting the original scrolls or cross referencing historical facts but just an image and an idea that flashed into my head while I lay in bed in the morning, praying for someone who needed intercession.

A word of advice: Turn the other cheek...and be cautious of the people you see who embrace their right to have a busted jaw...they may be the ones swinging a left hook in your direction. Hurt people, hurt people. Don't be the one causing the pain.

Jesus Will Disappoint You

2010-02-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

The following is taken from an article in Relevant Magazine:

"I’ve learned my disappointment is always tied to my imperfect projected expectations upon a perfectly loving God who doesn’t always behave as I would have Him. God is not our puppet, though we like to pretend He is. And when we come face to face with the reality that we are rarely in control of our lives and most certainly not in control of God, disappointment results. Disappointment that we can’t have things our way, in our timing. Jesus will disappoint all of us, but in time we will see our disappointing moments are also our most refining ones. They are the moments that birth hope and instill the necessary wisdom for a future we must face.
When we reduce Jesus to merely an insightful person but refuse to recognize Him as the all-knowing sovereign Creator of the world, we lose the privilege of really knowing Him. The words in 1 John set my heart at ease: “This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:19-20).

God has no obligation, nor intention, to explain every happening He causes or allows in our lives. That doesn’t make Him any less loving or good. It makes Him a father. A father who, like I do regularly with my little girl, withholds explanations His children don’t need or won’t understand."

- Russ Masterson

Mom Town

2010-02-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Mom Town is a strange place. It can be thankless and lonely while being amazing and insanely rewarding. Somedays you feel like the President and other days you feel like the sewage worker...or the punching bag at the local gym. Nothing pays better or worse than the occupation of motherhood. The majority of what you do is unseen and unrecognized by human eyes but incredibly appreciated by anyone who comes in contact with you, whether they can put their finger on it or not.
The residents of Mom Town make an incredible difference to the planet everyday, even when they don't shower or leave their houses. The work they do is taxing in every way imaginable but they are more than glad to do it...in fact, they can't fathom not doing it. They can not clock out and they can not go anywhere else.
Mom town can be a bit of an obnoxious place from time to time. There are many residents who believe their methods of parenting are the best and they feel the need to give unsolicited advice CONSTANTLY, whether it's good or not. Whether they have one child or eight children, some residents of Mom Town act like they have PhD's when they've barely reached the first grade of motherhood. Other times they abuse their position and do not live up to their title. This brings everyone in the town down.
The residents of Mom town can be awesome for each other or detrimental to one another, depending on the day. This is due to the incredible amounts of estrogen and progesterone flowing through the aqueducts of the city. The most powerful and wonderful residents of Mom Town are the real and down to earth women who do their best, love their kids and can admit that they don't know everything. They have a sense of humor about themselves and a sense of empathy for each other. They make the city worth living in.
The residents of Mom Town take a special interest in the people of Pregnantville. In fact, a lot of the Mom Town ladies reside on the border of Pregnantville and Mom Town, several times throughout their lifetime. Pregnantville is a passionate and interesting place. The residents of Pregnantville have to put up with a lot during their stay. They receive the unsolicited advice of the Mom Towners while enduring the ignorant comments from the people of Mansboro and 'No-kids-yet' City. There is something in the water of Pregnantville that can make ones hair and skin look radiant while making them sick to their stomach at the same time. It's a fun place, a beautiful place, a place of miracles and destiny.
I've been twice and although I've thoroughly enjoyed myself, I don't think I'll return after this last trip :) Two times in Pregnantville is quite enough for me.
But Mom Town is somewhere I plan on staying forever. Even though there's no such thing as sleeping in or eating your food while it's warm, it's still the greatest place on earth.
It's everything I never knew I wanted and I'm so grateful to be here.

Success

2010-02-07T13:18:00.000-08:00

We attended a different church last week. When people hear that they generally assume all kinds of things. What happened? Why are they leaving their church? I wonder why they don't like their old church anymore?
In reality, we just wanted to try something new for a sunday. We both felt the need to change the routine a little, experience something different, meet some new people. This was not done because the regular routine and old people arent enough. Truth is, I wish more people would step outside of the walls of their particular denomination or circles periodically and meet their neighbour down the street. In the New Testament, churches were divided mostly due to geography. Today, they are just divided. Take Tallahassee for example. There are 600+ churches in this town with a new one being planted every other day. I don't like the unwritten rule that we can't cross borders and see how our brothers and sisters in Christ are doing. I think I'm going to buck that system...Actually, I think I already am :)
It's amazing to me how experincing something new can greatly broaden your world view and give you fresh perspective, making you a better person. That's been my reality over the last few weeks and I love it. I love the feeling of revelation, growing, learning, changing. These things can't happen unless we're willing to take in all kinds of newness from day to day.
We're lucky to have a child that loves a good adventure so when we asked him if he wanted to go to a different church and meet new friends, he was all about it. When we arrived, they had a giant indoor play room so he was pretty much ready to sign the membership forms :) I was hoping he wouldn't break a commandment and start bowing in reverence towards the huge, red slide and luckily, he was able to focus on the bible lesson prior to playtime.
We enjoyed the service. The music was well balanced, well done and the people were friendly but not overtly friendly. It was a larger church so it was easy to sneak in and sneak out unnoticed, which is a good thing when you're shy and visiting but a bad thing when you're wanting to be connected. There were many different types of people. Jay and I were very touched by a hearing impaired woman who passionately signed words of praise heavenward. There was another man who literally danced and danced and danced throughout the entire praise set. The joy was thick and the passion was undeniable.
When the message began, the young preacher looked intriguingly towards the crowd and said, "How do you judge the success of a church?"
It was in that moment that I was entranced and knew that I was suppose to be there on that Sunday...because I realized that this was the question I had unknowingly been asking myself. Not only about my own church but about myself as a member of it...as a member of my community...as a member of my family...as a member of Heaven's roster. What does success look like?
He spoke of the division that took place in the garden of Eden...how in a split second and a wrong choice, we forever severed the perfect unity that existed between us and God, us and each other and us and the earth. Tigers weren't trying to tear Adam apart, Eve didn't secretly wish he was more than what he was...they weren't self conscious about how they looked...they didn't even know what nudity was! They didn't fear God or even think to hide anything from Him. All was in unity. All was perfect. But even in perfection, there was an opportunity to fail and fail they did. Suddenly, they hid themselves and became aware of so many things that kept them (and us) from ever fully engaging with one another. God then told them that childbirth would be excruciating and planting, building and maintaining the earth was going to be hard and painful for them.
We've read the story a hundred times but this was the first time I ever became aware of the following: The very purpose for which we were created was not meant to be easy for us. For Adam and Eve (and us), this not only meant reproducing and working the land but it meant relationships as well.
We were created to be in relationship. Even God doesn't exist outside of it. We were created to grow together, learn from one another, bare each other's burdens and walk through life together. Even the introvert needs another. We weren't just meant to be in community with God but with His children as well. It is dawning on me that this, relationship, the very thing we were created for, is not meant to be easy for us. It's meant to hurt! It's meant to make you sweat! It's meant to bring about momentary suffering and seasons of dry ground before giving birth to greatness.
The speaker tied this to the church's success by explaining that unlike big business, a church cannot be judged as successful by it's membership base or the amount of tithes it brings in. It can only be judged as successful by the depth of it's community and the connectivity people have with one another and God...the unity that is worked towards...the connection that was effortless and natural in the Garden of Eden which is now difficult, tiring, frustrating but purposeful.
I think this Sunday we are going to attend the church I have been working at. It should be a completely different experience than any I've had thus far and I'm excited to be open and available for the revelations God will show me there.
So to any and all that are concerned with my 'church hopping' you needn't be. I am instead taking in all that is around me in an effort to grow, mature and connect with people of other denominations who love and serve the same God that I do. I highly recommend it. If anything, it will make you better for when you return home.

Kathy and the Anglicans

2010-01-28T11:19:00.000-08:00

Sounds like a rock group.
I have really been enjoying my position at the Episcopal church. I keep brainstorming ways that I can stay on while not having to put a new born in childcare. After all, with the cost of new born care in Tallahassee, I'd probably spend more on that then my paycheck would allow.
I've worked for churches in the past...as a paid employee and as an equally hard working volunteer...and it's been interesting to see first hand the workings of a completely different congregation and pastoral group.
The Rev. I work for reminds me a lot of my Father. He is deep but tells very dry jokes. He's tall and thin with a pleasant demeanor. He is painfully moral...example, he was stopped speeding the other day and not only openly confessed to speeding but immediately thanked the police officer, telling him that was just what he needed because his speed has been creeping up everyday. The cop obviously let him go with a warning...after all, who says that?!
He has a deep concern for people and puts relationship above anything else on his calendar. I know this because it's my job to keep his calendar. He takes every new-comer to lunch and lays aside the business/politics of the church if it means coming to the aid of an individual. Even though there are over 1200 consistent attending members, he makes himself available for them. It's personal.
The congregants are incredibly dedicated. They are high society, upper class, lawyers, doctors and politicians and they are widows, homeless men and children...all volunteer to serve food, work with the children, drive the elderly, fold bulletins, etc. They work as though their working for the Lord and they are not only thanked but respected by the ones who depend on them. They serve and are inspired to serve by the building up they receive from their leadership. They are also givers. In light of the devastation in Haiti, they have united and collected incredible amounts of money to benefit those struggling there. They tithe and support the workings of their church. It's a beautiful mutualistic relationship.
It's been humbling for me to see. In staff meeting on Tuesday I commended them on their structure, their volunteerism and the way they treat their congregants. I told them I was blessed by their heart for God. They may praise with the organ and wear collars instead of jeans but I am recognizing that there is a place for that. It isn't for nothing.
In more modern churches, it's easy to look at the traditional church as though it is outdated and out of touch with the living God...it's easy to say they are just going through the motions...it's easy to mistake their quiet reverence for a lack of passion or realness. Needless to say, this has been an eye opening experience for me. A wrap on the knuckles for times when I assumed that if someone belong to this church or that church then they weren't a 'real' Christian. I'm loving what I am experiencing there and I am deeply moved by it. It isn't better or worse than any other denomination that puts the emphasis on loving God and one another, it's just one of them and it's nice to see. I'm being reminded to make 'the main thing the main thing'...that we can chose to be divided by our interpretation of scripture or united by our mutual love for God.
I'm really glad to be there during the week. I'm learning a lot. I'm growing.

Accountability

2010-01-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:1-2

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24

"See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:12-13

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

The bible calls us to keep each other accountable. If you don't call yourself a Christian, then I won't challenge you to act like one....but if you do, and if I do, then we are called by God to speak loving truth into each other's lives and if necessary, set each other straight according to His word. This is a delicate process and should be approached with right intent and sensitivity.
Had God not mentioned the importance of accountability in His word, I probably would think it was a BAD idea, based on past experience. It rarely goes well, despite every effort I take to sugar coat, compliment and affirm my love and concern for the individual. Here's what I've learned:

- Some people just get older. What do I mean by this? Maturity is not reflected by the number of years a person has been alive but instead by what they have learned and applied during their time here. I've seen women twice my age, bash their husbands or ex-husbands openly on their facebook statuses with no awareness of how silly it makes them look. I've heard middle-aged men at Jason's gym act like complete morons in the presence of college girls, trying to impress them with their 'maturity' while acting like children. If you attempt to speak intelligent words into an immature persons life, don't expect them to act maturely about it. You can expect all kinds of reactions, but don't expect a 'thank you'. They aren't mature enough to recognize what you're doing or what your intentions are.

- Hurt people, hurt people. I am ever-so-cautious of people with a victim mentality. People with a victim mentality have been hurt, probably severely, and they hang onto their right to be miserable with both hands tightly clenched. They use their pain as an excuse for...well...just about everything. Un-forgiveness has eaten away at the person they once were and they don't like themselves very much anymore. They say that they've seen and experienced too much to be any other way, unable to grasp the fact that happiness is a choice. They have all kinds of physical ailments that have manifested from their emotional turmoil and they've known misery for SO long that they are scared to death of what life would look like should they stop feeling sorry for themselves. They indirectly hurt others and feel entitled to do so because of their own problems. They have become the center of their own world. If you try to hold someone like this accountable and lovingly correct some alarming patterns in their life, they will fire back with all the reasons why it's ok for them to be that way. They will make you feel guilty for bringing it up and they will add you to their list of oppressors. They will say you are 'judging' them and make you out to be a terrible person. You will become the punching bag for their misery for the time being, but you'll quickly be replaced by the person that didn't say 'hi' to them at the grocery store or the girl who teased them in the 7th grade. They always have to be upset with someone and when you attempt to keep them accountable, that person will be 'you'. Again, don't expect a 'thank you'.

- Matthew 7:6, "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Jesus said this about giving sound advice to people who won't hear it. It's hard to determine whether you should say something at all, and I think that's between you and God and the person, but Jesus (of course) was super awesome to highlight this point. You can exhaust and frustrate yourself trying to help someone but sometimes, like in the situations highlighted above, they aren't ready or receptive to hear it. It doesn't make what you're saying less right, it's just falling on deaf ears...that are attached to quick mouths...that will tear you to pieces if you're not careful.

- I won't be like that. I have learned that I want nothing more than to be open and receptive to advice and counsel that will help me to become a better person. I don't ever want to miss an opportunity to grow. I don't ever want to explode on someone who loved me enough to be honest with me. I want to recognize care when I see it. I know from experience that it's not easy to approach someone, when you're so imperfect yourself, and attempt to keep them accountable. If a person sees sin in my life and is brave enough to take me aside and say, "I love you but you need to hear somethings that may be difficult to hear," I want to be mature enough to say, "Thank you! You must really care about me." I want to fully examine my life to see if their advice applies. I want to humble myself and be willing to say, "you're right, can you help me get there?" or "I don't know if what you're saying really applies to me but thank you for loving me enough to say it."

Accountability is a tough but necessary equation in Christian community. If you ever find yourself in this situation, I don't envy you :) It's one of those prime examples where doing the right thing can feel really, really wrong based on the reaction you receive but don't allow the reaction to define the action. If you see destructive sin in a friend's life and you approach them with love to correct them, you're doing exactly what God has called you to do. After that, the ball is in their court.

Amazing Grace

2010-01-22T05:15:00.000-08:00

As one who's grown up in the church, I've heard this song a kazillion times. It enlists the emotions of many who have walked down troubled paths before receiving the forgiveness (from God and themselves) that lies in the arms of Jesus. I've always noticed that this song tends to speak mostly to the middle aged...I'm a people watcher, especially when leading worship (I know that's probably a bad habit) but I am so often blessed by the physical reactions, however subtle they may be, brought about by meaningfully singing God's praises.
In our church, there is a quiet, laid back man. I don't know him very well, but I know a little about his story. He has gone through some things, hurtful things, and has made some rough choices in his lifetime. I know that his memory holds images and events that he isn't proud of. He's one of those people that I believe I wouldn't recognize without Christ in his life. From what I've heard, he's a very different man now, and he, himself probably doesn't even understand the ways of the man he once was. Whenever we sing songs about deliverance and forgiveness and grace and love, I look at him. He's so quiet and shy, but through the darkened room I always know his hands will be raised heavenward.
I remember being a part of a bible study/cell group in which I mentioned that I've never really been tempted by a lot of physical sins. I didn't say this to exclaim my purity and perfection but I was quite embarrassed by the reaction I received from some individuals.
"Even Jesus was tempted, Kathy," one man said to me, indicating that I was pompous enough to think myself holier and stronger than Christ Himself. That, of course, was not what I was saying.
In Western Christianity, we have taken certain 'sins' and blown them out of the bible to be huge, shameful and unforgivable. Drinking (even though the bible gives no indication that having an alcoholic beverage is a sin) is one of them. We keep people from becoming members of the church if they smoke but allow those who abuse their bodies with food to the point of being morbidly obese to become pastors. We shun the homosexual but thoroughly enjoy our favourite television programs that are comprised of story lines highlighting the fun and excitement of pre-marital sex. We turn up our nose at curse words but have no problem passing along the latest gossip. We are outraged by the woman who has a baby before she's married and can't for the life of us imagine standing before God and the public to baptize or dedicate such a creature, forgetting that the baby is innocent and deserves to be celebrated like any other.
Yes, we've taken the word 'sin' and defined it as something you can see. Then, based on that definition, we've ranked the sins from 'worst' to 'not-so-bad' with homosexuality at the top, followed by drinking and so on and so forth.
Well here's the thing: I'm not gay, I actually waited 'til I was married to...well...you know, I don't drink (simply because I don't enjoy the taste of alcohol) and because of that I've never been drunk. I have no interest in pursuing a romantic relationship outside of my marriage, I've never smoked, etc, etc, etc.
So in the Christian community, it appears as though I have all my stuff together! Yippee!
The only problem is, I know that this isn't true....
The truth is, sins cannot be ranked or determined by action or substance. Sometimes, sin can be defined by an inability to act. A moment when one choses to turn a blind eye to poverty and need. A moment where someone puts themselves and their concerns before their neighbour. I'll be completely honest: I struggle with a sinful attitude, especially lately. I struggle with selfishness and complacency and laziness when it comes to God and His word. I struggle with putting myself before others, with being very concerned with what is fair and right for me and my family. I struggle with spending so much time and energy fighting the wrong fight that I sometimes don't have the strength left at the end of the day to fight the good one. I struggle with unforgiveness and sometimes, when I feel taken advantage of or like life's just not fair, I struggle with loving people. Lacking love is the only time that God highlights one sin as being worse than all the others. So where does that leave me? I'll tell you where it's left me lately: Frustrated and imprisoned by guilt.
For years I've seen grace as God's ability to forgive and forget the physical sins of one's past, a past I don't have. I can't remember life before God. I can't remember when I 'turned to Jesus' after, 'my time in the world'. That isn't my testimony and to be honest, most of my life I didn't think I had a testimony. My childhood church always had 'Testimony Time' in which people would stand up and describe the radical transformation they experienced with Jesus. They told heart breaking stories of tragedy and loss, of deliverance from the strong hold of SIN and how now, it's all better and forgotten. When I worked with a drug/alcohol rehab center in Greenville, SC, almost every man would stand up on graduation day and say, "When I got here I was tore up from the floor up, but God has changed me!"
I believe in God's ability to change a person. I vaguely remember my father before Christ and he is a different man now. I don't know the person Jay describes that he was before he chose to walk this course with God. I have seen God deliver. I have seen miracles take place...but somewhere along the line I told myself that was for other people and when I screw up, I need to feel guilty about it and somehow make it up to Him.
Last week, I was driving to work and I was listening to one of my worship team CDs. Jerad makes us CDs sometimes when we're unable to meet for practice and Caden always asks to listen to, "Mama's church music" in the car. I was alone and heading into the office when a version of, 'Amazing Grace' came on. This particular version has the traditional versus but a more modern chorus that says, "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy rains. Unending Love, Amazing Grace."
I felt like I stopped grinding my teeth for the first time in weeks. I felt tension ease from my muscles and new air come into my lungs. I had forgotten (by the grace of God) to put on mascara that morning and it's a good thing because I started crying, flat out bawling, in my car on North Monroe street. It hit me: Grace is for me too!
God has seen my ugly attitude, my poor spirit, my lack of love, my selfishness, my impatience, my unkind words, the ugliness of my humanity birthed from my fatigue and the circumstances in my life that I don't enjoy. He has seen me at my worst when no one knows the extent of it and he offers me the same grace he offers others. I can be freed from the guilt of it all. I can change and not be held captive by regret. I can bring MY mess to Him and we can start dealing with it.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free..."
I guess that's why they call that kind of grace, Amazing.

Introspective

2010-01-17T08:38:00.000-08:00

I am in a very introspective time in my life where I am evaluating and actively thinking about EVERYTHING. From relationships to organized religion...from motherhood to politics...I find myself breaking the cover off of everything I am and thought I knew and realizing there is much, much, much to learn.
I haven't been to church in a couple of weeks which is very odd for me. In fact, this is probably the first time I've missed two weeks of church in a row since 2004. I'm not distancing myself from God...quite the opposite...I just think I need to take a break from church for a while to find God.
Not that He isn't there, but my Sunday routine has left me empty and void of Him and I need to, well, shake things up a bit.
Over the past year, I have been wrestling daily with who God is. What's His personality? If you read two different parts of scripture you can see two very different sides of God. But who is He? Is He the one I think I have a relationship with or is He so much more than that...I believe He's both.
What I'm determining is that we (God and I) do have a relationship that is real and lasting and deep, that was routed early in my childhood and grown as I have....but that He is also so much more than I can possibly fathom or know, more than I've been taught and more than I've made him out to be...and that sometimes, if not most of the time, I can say nothing but, "All I know is that you love me." I think that's a healthy way to be. People who act as though they have God figured out, scare me. Particularly those who have made Him into a science...I'm learning to steer clear of that...
I'm learning a lot about other people right now as well. Some of what I'm learning has been very disappointing. I'm mourning relationships that I thought were deep and real, but aren't. I'm also realizing that there are some pretty amazing people in my life that I didn't realize cared. When Caden and I were sick last week, I was blown away by the relationships I have. I didn't hear from people I thought I would and I was bombarded with offers to help, love and concern from people I didn't know loved me as much as they do...people who were willing to come into my germ infested home and serve my family because they knew we have no family in town and could probably use the help. People offering to wash clothes, drop off groceries, make dinner...It was an eye opening experience. Thank you to those of you who surprised me in a good way. You blessed my heart. These past few months I have learned that there are few, maybe a handful, maybe even just two or three people outside of your blood relatives that will remain your life long friends. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn...seeing the evidence of this can leave one feeling used and embarrassed...but recognizing that I have a few of those friendships that will outlast the test of time, makes me feel very, very blessed indeed. I wish we were all able to be in one place. Someday I suppose...
I'm also trying to make sense of my life, geographically. This is something Jay and I have been trying to figure out for a long time. In other words, Why are we here? Why Florida? Why Tallahassee? Most days I can't answer that question...We've been here for 4 years now. Wow. I feel the winds of change sweeping in...when? Who knows...
I'm also taking any second that I have alone to feel Preston moving in my belly. If all goes as planned, this will more than likely be my last pregnancy :) and I want to enjoy it...I feel like it is flying by though. With Caden, I knew exactly what point I was at along the gestational journey. This time, I have no clue! Someone asked me the other day how many months I am and I couldn't answer them. "Um, er...Well, I'm due in April!"
Being pregnant while having another child to focus on is completely different than being pregnant for the first time. When/If it is ever quiet, I try to sit alone and focus on me and Preston. I'm so excited to meet him.
I'm also trying not to live for the future but these days I can't help it. I am so excited for it. I'm excited for the coming months, to get the nursery ready, to welcome Preston to our family, to see Caden love on him, to be able to breathe in and enjoy my family the way it is meant to be. Caden is so excited to be a big brother. I'm overwhelmingly proud of him.
I am excited for my mom and sister to come visit me...two relationships I miss tremendously every single day. I am excited for life to be what it's suppose to be because I can't help but feel it's not there yet, although I'm trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy those moments when all is right with the world.
I don't know if any of this make sense but I guess it's not suppose to. If my thoughts are all over the place, it makes sense for my writings to follow suit.
Til next time...

Perspective

2010-01-14T14:52:00.000-08:00

Caden and I have been very sick this week with a nasty stomach bug. Caden came down with it Friday night and I started with it on Monday afternoon. After much rest and lots of fluids, we are finally on the mend. He's 100% back to his old self again and I'm slowly but surely getting my strength back. Jay has been amazing through everything, putting us first and ensuring that we had everything we needed. I'm a blessed woman.
I've pretty much been in bed since Monday and had heard very little about the devastation in Haiti until today. After reading many articles and seeing the heart wrenching photos, I am burdened for them and ashamed for everything I've ever complained about. It is moments in history such as these that remind all of us how lucky we are.
I've often complained about the American Health care system because I have had the privilege of witnessing a stronger and more accessible one...and although I believe this is still an issue in and of itself, I look back over my week and shutter in complete humility and thankfulness for where I find myself. This is not a post about the health care bill, so if commenting please refrain from going there. This is a post about gaining perspective and acting on it.
When my son became dehydrated, we took him to a clean emergency room where he was given a sterilized IV and even a sticker to make his procedure more tolerable. When I was worried about my unborn child in the midst of this stomach virus, I was able to call a nurse and receive a prescription to help me rest better and recover faster. I have been able to lie in my comfortable bed, in my well insulated room with a bottle of gatorade and a cell phone by my side should I need to call someone for help. We have been able to wash our soiled clothes in steaming hot water in a washing machine, right inside of our apartment. We have had access to clean water. We not only have what we need but comforts that we want. I could go on and on but you get the picture...
We are blessed. We are blessed beyond measure...and I for one need to publicly declare how sorry I am for the things I've made important...the things I consider burdens that are simply hiccups in the road of life.
I have been trying to imagine feeling as sick as I have felt this week while living amongst the devastation in Haiti. Imagine being pregnant in that environment? Imagine being an asthmatic? Imagine having something as simple as an infected wisdom tooth or as devastating as cancer?
One of the photos I witnessed was of an elderly woman who has a serious head wound. She was lying in the dirt in a make shift clinic where panicked and outnumbered medical personnel were trying desperately to get from one victim to another. I could be one of them tonight. You could be one of them tonight.
Aside from being ill, imagine losing everyone you loved in a split second...waking up to a confusing and terrifying earth quake...watching the walls collapse and crush your spouse, your children, your family, your neighbours...Hell is not just some distant place with a Lake of Fire...it's right here and now...and this is one of those moments where God has called us to live out His will 'on earth as it is in Heaven.' We can bring Heaven to earth by responding to our brothers and sisters in Haiti, right now.
So in the midst of whatever it is you are facing, remember those people and what they are going through...and find a way to help.
You can donate by using you cell phone. Just text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross's Haiti Relief effort.
You can also donate $10 to The Salvation Army in the same manner by texting "HAITI" to 52000.
If you don't have text messaging, would like to give more than $10 or just prefer to donate online, click here Or here
By all means, pray...nothing is more powerful than that...but also act.

Doing Church With Excellence

2010-01-09T14:53:00.000-08:00

I have heard many Christian leaders say that, "church should be done with excellence." As far as the biblical definition of the church (our mission and our relationships) goes, I agree 100%. God's word gives us a guideline on how to conduct ourselves, what we are to do and how we are suppose to treat one another. It is a definable type of excellence. As far as the modern day, programmed, 'meets-on-Sunday-morning' church structure goes, this statement becomes vague and far less specific. After all, what it excellence to one may be chaos, confusion or yawn inducing to another. This is where denomination comes into play. Why some of us go 'here' while other's go 'there'...why what works for one, doesn't for someone else.

I have the opportunity right now to be a part of two very different church structures. I am working for an Episcopal (Anglican) church while attending a Church or God (Pentecostal). Their bible is the same...their definitions of executing 'church with excellence' are very, very different.

The Episcopalian church has an extensive history, hundreds upon hundreds of years of tradition infused into every service and it's complicated...well...complicated to someone who is outside looking in. The thing that strikes me most about it, is that I have been a Christian my entire life, raised on biblical principle, fed scripture from an early age, and I am in need of a serious Episcopalian education in order to understand the basics of their Sunday morning meeting. The RITE I and RITE II readings, the 'Book of Prayer', the hierarchy of leadership, the protocol for weddings, baptisms, funerals, etc. All is very intricate and very detailed and very....man-made. I came home after my first few days of work and confessed to Jay that I needed to be very aware of how I treat my position because things that seem needless and petty and over-complicated to me are dearly loved and important to the people I am working with and for.
On the other side of things, I greatly respect and have learned a lot from the reverence I see in this working environment. The Reverend has a vesting room where he prepares himself in beautifully decorated robes prior to service. There is a little, old man who comes in daily and shines the silver cups used during communion. The way leadership treats the parish and the volunteers is so deeply encouraging, it's no wonder why families stay in the congregation for generations. The church is STUNNING and I mean breath-taking. Carvings and details as far as the eye can see...a temple built unto the Lord. Whoever worked tirelessly to create that place, did so out of a heart of service and reverence to the High God and you can sense that when you're in there. It's absolutely beautiful...like a physical house worthy of God's name. I just want to sit in there for hours...In the midst of beauty, reverence and attention to detail lies a lot of other stuff that isn't anywhere in scripture but is held in high regard by the people just the same. Is this church being done with excellence? They believe so...

The church I attend on Sunday's is a different matter. It's technology driven, 2010, aimed at meeting people where they are and giving them tools with which to live their lives. The messages are raw, emotional and applicable to real people. You can hear a message at genesis and leave different than when you came in with practical information about how to live your life. This, as well as the children's ministry, are my favourite things about gc.tv. In an effort to be cutting edge, it has taken on the physical appearance of a theatre. The windows are boarded up and painted over, there is an intelligent lighting system, smoke machines, loud music, triple projection screens and speakers delivering cutting edge audio and video. The bulletins have flashy pictures and the service is planned in 5-10 minute increments as to not go over time, since there are two services back to back. People wear headset microphones, similar to a television production, to communicate about lights and sound and distractions. It's really dark and loud in there, so sometimes it's hard to see and meet new people but anyone could feel right at home there...whether you've been a Christian your entire life or are coming to see what it's all about for the first time, you'll understand what's being said and sung. Instead of being focused on where they've come from, they are very focused on the now and where they are going. They have their own structure for weddings and baby dedications, baptisms and so on...Periodically the stress of the operation (electrical outages, video malfunctions, projector issues) become the center of the Sunday morning experience for those of us who are involved with the show and that's always unfortunate, but for the most part I think we try to do the best with what we have. Is our church done with excellence? I think that's the goal...

Since excellence is so relative to the person, I thought I would end this by sharing my most excellent church memory:

I've been attending genesischurch.tv for about 4 years now. For 2 of those years, we were a mobile church that met in a local high school auditorium. This required extensive set up and tear down of equipment and often, things didn't go as planned. On this particular Sunday, we had the stage wired and ready to go, the lighting system was in full force, the curtains were drawn to completely darken the room and we were about 20 minutes from starting the service. Then it happened. The power went out. Everyone went into freak out mode. What do we do? People will be here any minute, they are already showing up! The order of service began to crumble before our very eyes. It was too late to cancel so we improvised.

We opened the shutters and allowed the natural light from God to fill the room. We could see each other's faces in the daylight. It was surreal. I was so use to squinting to see my church family in a smoke-filled, dark room and it was as though I was seeing them all for the first time. Then, we closed the stage curtains. The intricate set up we had spent hours constructing that morning was now hidden behind two, giant, red curtain panels. The band went from being 8 people to two people, and they took to the stage with nothing but acoustic guitars and their natural voices. When everyone gathered, we were told to move as close to the front of the auditorium as possible so that we could hear what was going on and all be together....and with the sun filtering in through the bright, open windows, we sang together...we could hear each other's voices...we could see each other's faces...it was unscripted and unrehearsed. It was real life and real church. After a few songs, the pastor got up and spoke to us briefly about God's greatness. No one was able to play on their iphones or pass notes because we were all gathered so closely together, our eyes and hearts fixed on one thing and one thing only. God's word.

In the 4 years that I've attended this church and the 22 years I've attended others, this is the one moment that sticks out to me as a memorable, powerful, meaningful Sunday morning church moment. It was lovely. It was excellent.

BUSY

2010-01-06T17:01:00.001-08:00

Life is very busy these days. I've taken on a part-time job as the administrative assistant at a local episcopal church. It's been interesting to learn the ins and outs of the Anglican parish. There's a lot of verbiage, hierarchy and rituals involved...not to mention an extensive church history and liturgical calendar. The church building I work in is about 250 years old. The architecture is stunning. It's like a scene from a horror movie. Beautiful by day, terrifying by night. There is a life size carving of Jesus on the cross hanging in the chapel. It's seriously a 6 ft man, painted to resemble a real person. I think I may have let out a little squeal when I first saw it. It took me by surprise.
The work is busy which is good because it makes the day go by quickly...almost too quickly. I took over from a woman who was doing the job in 40 hours a week so now I'm trying to complete that same work load in half the time. It's challenging. I am suppose to work from 9-1 but everyday this week has started early in an effort to get things done and today I didn't get to leave until 4:30. Thankfully, the church has a full service cafe so I was able to grab some lunch.
Between the 25+ hours at the church, the 8+ hours a week I spend working at the restaurant and the 8 hours a week I spend volunteering at genesis between Sundays and Thursday night worship team practice, not to mention the laundry, dishes and other household garbage, it's been ridiculously hard to maintain the energy needed for my most important job: Wife and mom.
I don't believe that a woman (or man) can 'do it all'. You either do one thing at the expense of the other or vice versa. Thankfully, this job is temporary and I think financially it is very much a gift from God. It's a temporary position and they are wanting to hire someone full time on March 1. I declined the offer to stay on because I have no intention of putting a new born in daycare 30 seconds after he's born and I really want the month of March to focus on my pregnancy and my time with Caden and Jay. So in the midst of the craziness, the timing is perfect and the pay is good. I'm going to take a break from the piano bar after Valentines Day because 4 hours on a piano stool + a pregnant stomach = a very sore back. Plus, I feel like I never see my husband anymore and that's lame. Without him, I'm not me...at least I'm not the best me I can be. He works til 8 everyday of the week except for Friday...and on Friday he gets home at 5:30 and I kiss him goodbye at 6 to head into Georgio's. Ships passing in the night. Thankfully, we have Sunday evenings together and it's my favourite night of the week.
Caden hasn't adjusted great to me not being around in the mornings but he is fortunate to be able to stay home with Daddy til about 10-11 and then go into the childcare room at the gym 'til I pick him up. Ms. Autumn has been a godsend, staying with him a little longer when traffic is heavy and this afternoon she made herself available to watch him all afternoon. She's one of those people that gives you faith in the goodness of humanity :)
So, if I'm not posting with regularity it's because I'm trying to catch up on something else but I'll try and write whenever I can. It keeps me relatively sane after all, and my sanity is not something I can afford to lose right now. Much too busy :)

Happy New Decade!

2010-01-01T07:29:00.001-08:00

It's 2010! Crazy. I remember ringing in the New Millennium like it was yesterday. Insane that it was 10 years ago and I was 16. If someone would have told me 10 years ago that in 2010 I'd be married for almost 7 years, living in America with a 4 year old and baby on the way, I would have been terrified!!!! It's good that we don't hold our future in our own hands. I wonder what 'terrifying' yet amazing things lie ahead for this coming decade?
I guess I'll just have to hang on and enjoy the ride :)
I suppose it isn't good to think in terms of decades. We are, after all suppose to take it one day at a time...but I'll go ahead and do my annual ritual of resolution making followed by my annual resolution breaking :) Just kidding.

Last years resolutions were as follows:

- Loose weight, get fit
- Read more, particularly the bible
- Be a better wife, mother, friend and all around person
- Write, finish and actively submit a book for publishing
- Spend more time in prayer

Well, I'm happy to say that I successfully completed a lot of the things on this list! I reached a weight loss goal I've been aiming for my entire adult life...then I got pregnant and it all went out the window, but that's besides the point :)
22 days after I wrote my resolutions, I was offered a book contract and worked on it from January-September of last year. The tentative date for it's release is April, 2010. Insane. God is good.
I read a lot more than I did last year...but I definitely need to crack the holy scriptures more. I started a year long bible reading regimen last year that lasted about 2 weeks. I've read it throughout the year but not with the structure or consistency that I intended to on January 1, 2009. I'm going to start it again this year and see how far I get. It's very hard to be consistent in this area, at least for me. But it's a goal worth repeating.
Prayer has been a roller coaster this year because I believe 2009 is the year that God began to reveal Himself to me in a different way...a way I've never considered...in a light I've never seen Him. Sometimes this made prayer extremely difficult because I wondered if I even knew Him at all. Other times, I had never felt more connected.
I can't really determine whether I was a better wife, mother and friend...I guess you'll have to ask Jay, Caden and yourselves that question :) but I tried.

So this year I have the following resolutions (not in the order of importance):

- I will have a baby (I guess that's inevitable at this point :)
- As soon as I'm dr. approved, I will get back into shape. I have more specific numbers with regards to poundage but they don't have to be posted on the internet :)
- I will market my first book and make it as successful as possible.
- I will chose to see people as God sees them regardless of whether I enjoy them or not.
- I will read my bible more (like I said, this will be a recurring goal throughout my life so I apologize for the monotony)
- I will love, respect and serve my family with a joyful heart and whatever we endure, we'll grow closer through it.

A lot of people give resolutions a bad rap, but I'm a fan of them. They are goals, aspirations, structured plans for a positive and successful future. Whether you are discouraged by how many you've broken or stumped as to what to promise yourself, I encouraged you to sit down, make a plan and try again. You only live once and the new year reminds us how quickly time flies.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Unintended Affirmation

2009-12-27T14:54:00.000-08:00

I engaged in an online conversation via facebook last week that has really consumed my thoughts and caused me to meditate, evaluate and consider a lot of different things about life, money, compassion and everything in between.
The discussion was based on a comment someone made about how the dignity of employment is the best cure for hunger.
As someone who believes that every able bodied man and woman should work and work hard, I immediately agreed that this was certainly one way to combat hunger but felt the need to point out that a lot of hard working citizens in America today do so tirelessly and aren't properly compensated for their labor. Staggering numbers are being laid off from jobs they've had for decades. Sometimes, a person can do everything they know how to do and it's just not enough. In these moment, I believe we are called (not just as Christians, but as humans) to be compassionate and give/share with our fellow man.
This started a barrage of comments about how government assistance cripples people, how handouts are ungodly and so on. Since life long handouts was not the kind of mercy I was referring to, I decided to use a personal example.

Now, I am the first to proclaim how BLESSED I am to the world and how proud I am of my husband for always ensuring that we go without nothing that we need but 2009 has certainly been a financial roller coaster for us and it has given me new eyes when it comes to those who find themselves down on their luck. I realize how quickly the rug can be snatched out from under neath us. I spoke of how we are in the process of losing a house, how Jay's salary has decreased due to the retail industry plummeting, how we downsized our lives and took on a roommate.

After sharing our situation, I received little empathy from any involved in the debate, but that's ok...that's not what I was looking for. I just wanted to share how a merciful hand up has helped us a time or two along this painful journey. Further into the conversation we were joined by a Pastor I've never met and he, after reading my story, addressed me this was:

"What a pile of liberal propaganda!...Maybe if you did what Dave Ramsey says and 'acted your wage' you wouldn't need a roommate...and it's still a democracy. If you don't like your job, get a new one or go back to college. Wah! Wah! Wah!"

I was shocked. I didn't expect empathy and didn't want pity but I certainly didn't expect mockery and words of hatred. I was blown away by his lack of love and kindness...I couldn't believe a representative of Christ, a teacher of His word, would speak to someone they know nothing about like that and openly mock them on a public site.
I was embarrassed, confused and unsure as to whether sharing my view was a good idea in the first place. At the end of a year marked by mistakes and unexpected blows, when we're working hard daily to right our wrongs and become better people, this comment was an emotional blow.

I've openly admitted on this blog that some of the things that have happened to us this year have been self inflicted, if not most of them. We bought a car 5 years ago that we shouldn't have and became slaves to Mitsubishi (almost done though, praise Jesus!)...we bought a house 3 years ago that we shouldn't have and became slaves to Bank of America...and although both purchases fit well within our income bracket and budget at the time, that income bracket changed dramatically when people stopped buying treadmills and ellipticals (Jay sold high end fitness equipment and was paid on commission). We made the mistake of thinking our future income would match our past income and we counted on money we had not yet earned. Then, over the course of 2 years, our household income was cut in half. These purchases were our mistake, our fault and we fully admit the error of our ways, often saying how much we'd like to 'punch past Jay and Kathy in the face' :)
Point being, we don't need someone to kick us while we're down. We're fully capable of doing that to ourselves and it's a daily struggle not to. We aren't proud of what we've done but we're proud of where we're going and the strides we're making to get there. Mockery is not encouraging.

This man's comment made me think a lot about who I am. I know I shouldn't have allowed his hateful words to echo in my mind but they have and to be honest, he has given me a gift he didn't intend to. I believe he intended to arrogantly put me in my place and teach me a cruel lesson. Instead, what he has done is given me some unintended affirmation.

My husband has been able to find and secure a great job in the middle of an employment crisis and he is really, really good at what he does. Over the last few months we've been making a plan and taking strides towards getting him back in school. He is driven, hardworking, generous and kind. With people being laid off by the thousands and job availability being slim to none these days, he has been able to make a successful move from one business to another and secure a lifestyle for us. I'm so grateful for him. Because we have worked diligently over the past 3 years to pay off our debt, our list of debtors has gone from 8 to 2, something we are incredibly proud of...no credit card debt, no personal loans...we've been very successful in reducing our debt snowball. With our household income declining, it's been hard to feel like we've made any progress at all but we have and I know times would be much harder now if we were still slaves to eight debtors.

Predicting a problem, we started trying to sell out home in June 2008 and it's still on the market to this day. I hope it sells but I am not expecting deliverance. I'll graciously and humbly accept it, but I'm not expecting it. We did this, we are now trying to fix it and we'll take what comes with it. If I need to experience bankruptcy to become the woman God has called me to be or to fully learn from this error, I accept those terms. I know my Father loves me.
We made the tough choice to downsize to an apartment and one vehicle. I'll never forget the look on Jay's face the day we sold his motorcycle...it was just a old Honda but it meant the world to him and he gave it up for the betterment of our situation. We've trimmed an already pretty skinny family budget, sold the things we don't use and took on a roommate who luckily is a close and trusted family friend. Through these choices we've been able to make steps towards a better future and it feels good.

My point of sharing our story in that conversation a few days ago was to promote compassion. Compassion has been a saving grace for us several times throughout this year and because we're making our situation better, we've been able to bestow practical compassion and aid on a lot of other people who have needed it. I believe in hard work and ownership but it's important that we recognize the moments when grace and mercy are necessary.

All this to say, at first this man's comments made me ashamed and embarrassed of myself but the more I thought about where we are now vs. where we use to be, the more satisfied and affirmed in my journey I became. I also have become, to a deeper level, more thankful for my life. Even though I've known financial stress, I've never gone hungry...I've never had to withhold basic needs from my child...we have everything we need and a bunch of things we want...God is good and is blessing our efforts. We are right on track.

This man's intended kick in the face became a pat on the back and in a weird way, I thank him for that.

His comment also taught me to never, ever harshly judge another living soul...to chose empathy before arrogance...to chose mercy and grace before common sense. Sometimes being merciful and gracious is bad for business and looks bad on paper. Sometimes, when you dissect love and make it a science you can come up with all kinds of reasons why it's better not to but I for one am going to make an effort to chose it, every time.

If I don't write another blog before the New Year (which I'm sure I will), that will be my resolution. To chose mercy, grace and love, every time.

Thanks for reading.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2009-12-24T07:33:00.000-08:00

Have an amazing Christmas everyone! Share what you have, hug your family and friends and love your neighbour as yourself. Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Christmas with Caden

2009-12-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

This is the first year that Caden can really grasp the magic of Christmas. We've written our letter to Santa (yes, we do Santa...GASP!), watched Christmas movies, baked cookies, decorated the house, got a real tree and read the story of Baby Jesus over and over. Caden knows every Christmas carol from 'Joy to the World' to 'Happy Birthday Jesus' (refer to previous post :) He sat through a full-length film for the first time. It was 'Santa Buddies'...a cheesy, holiday film about golden retriever puppies, saving the north pole. Brought a tear to Jay's eye ;) Shhhhh, don't tell him I told you that.
Christmas with a little one is a refreshing reminder of how miraculous things are. When Caden kneels in front of the nativity set and stares at Baby Jesus, it teaches me to do the same. It's easy to let the financial stress and busy schedule get in the way of sitting, staring, thanking and soaking up the season.
He does often ask me if Jesus is a girl because in our particular nativity set, he has a purple blanket and according to Caden he also has, "Pink Lips." Coupled with the fact that adult Jesus is always depicted as a fair skinned, wimpy man with a dress and long hair, Caden is often confused as to his gender. He also believes that God is in his heart the same way that his baby brother is in my tummy...and that he will eventually have to go to the hospital to 'get Him out.'
I'm not too concerned about his theology at this point...there's plenty of time to work this stuff out :)
Christmas with Caden gives me the opportunity to explain over and over and over again, (in true 3 year old fashion) what Christmas is. I love it.
Next year, we have no idea where we'll be living or what we'll be doing but we do know that we'll have two little monsters vying for the Christmas tree ornaments, trying to sneak into Mama's closet to find the presents. Should be double the holiday magic. :)

Christmas Concert 2009

2009-12-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

Today Caden took part in his first Christmas concert...and boy, did he take part! Our church has two services on Sunday mornings so he and his friends were given the opportunity to perform their musical number twice!
The first time (and this is one out of about 5 songs) he did great! He stood still, sang, did some actions and made Mama proud.

The second service he was evidently a bit bored so he decided to make it the Caden show. I wasn't prepared to video tape this service because he had done so well in the first...but when I saw these shenanigans start up I knew I had to capture it. The footage isn't very good but you can see enough to know he's being a ham...

Luckily, the church video taped both services professionally so hopefully I will be able to score a copy of each, distinct memory. Oh my...

Merry Christmas!

Relationship Lesson #33094

2009-12-12T18:43:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to understand that some relationships are seasonal and it's not necessarily anyone's fault. I am coming to the conclusion that there are few people whom you remain compatible with for your entire life and that's ok. After all, we all change. We all need different things from different people at different points in our lives and sometimes the natural changes of time (however quickly they occur) just make us incompatible with people we use to be compatible with.
There are seasons when appreciation is reciprocated and I believe that is when friendship flourishes. When there is a mutual appreciation and respect...a desire to be with and around someone that reflects their desire to be with and around you. You have things in common, you can have trusted, confidential talks, you have concern for one another. It's a beautiful thing.
So many times i have found myself in these types of relationships only to see them change or vanish into thin air without warning. Did I do something wrong? Was I being used? Probably not. Although, when you sense someone is distancing themselves from you, it hurts like heck and it feels very personal.
After long, hard consideration and contemplation of this topic, I've come to the conclusion that seasons are natural, even in relationship and there's nothing to be paranoid or sad about. This of course doesn't apply to all relationships. As a wife, I have promised to love, respect, grow and change WITH my husband instead of apart from him. I praise God that this has been an almost effortless feat in my 6.5 year marriage thus far...perhaps it will become more difficult as time passes, but I am blessed to be married to a man who doesn't just change, but changes for the better on purpose and makes me better in the process. This type of relationship is one of the best that God has going in the earth.
My sons will never stop being my children, no matter what they do...this relationship is one in which I will have to be a martyr, tighten my lip, take a lot of abuse and shell out Christ-sized portions of love...I will love them as cute babies, annoying/funny toddlers, awkward kids, bratty teens and rebellious young adults...and hopefully, when they are men, I will be their parent AND their friend...until then, I am their Mom and nothing, not time, distance or circumstance, will change that. They can't get rid of me, even if they want to :)
In my particular situation, my parents will always be there for me and I praise God for that because I know it's unique. Some parents are more immature than their children...that is not my situation. I hope I can be half of who they are and I know my children will be better for it if I am. Their commitment to me, my husband and my children will last as long as they have breath in their bodies....which I hope is a long, long time.
But friendship is a different story...and I praise God for that hand full of people who love me at every point of my life and make a choice to stay committed to me when I'm on and off...who love me for me...not for what I can do for them, not for what I bring to the table, not by default because of my kids or my husband...but just for me...and that type of friendship is selfless and unchanging...and rare...super rare.
I have had these conversations with a few people lately and they have affirmed the fact that I am not crazy...another reason why it's important to have good friends :) and instead of dwelling on the people who have walked out of my life without explanation or whose lives I have had to walk out of for self-preservation, I am going to focus on the people who God has given to me as trusted, life-long friends.
You are rare, beautiful, amazing and dear to me...and hopefully you know who you are ;)

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

2009-12-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

Caden, practicing for his first Christmas concert.

Frustration Station

2009-12-08T10:07:00.001-08:00

I'm allowed to be frustrated, right? I think we all are. Somethings are just irritating. Add to the mix lack of sleep, aching back, money stress, non-stop toddler and 80,000 pounds of Christmas cards and paperwork I've been working on this week, and it's a recipe for disaster. I woke up a bit late this morning because I had a terrible night sleep and Jay got up with Caden so I could rest from 8-10 this morning...when I got up, it hit me. I NEED TO SEND OUT CANADIAN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS TODAY OR THEY WON'T MAKE IT IN TIME.
I threw on clothes, skipped breakfast (which is not smart for a pregnant lady) and assured Jay I'd be back in 10 minutes so he could get to work on time and of course, once I get to the post office, the line is LONG and slowly moving. I pick out festive envelopes and line up with my 70 Christmas cards, 4 packages and sad little debit card that is shuttering at the thought of being maxed out on shipping charges.
I do this every year.
I send out 70 Christmas cards and I receive maybe 25. Which leads me to believe, giving must feel better than receiving, otherwise I would have quit these shenanigans a decade ago and saved on postage. Every year I say I'm going to make a list of the people who sent me cards and only send cards to them next year but I never do. As much as I hate the cost of stamps...I love Christmas cards...can't lie.
I get to the counter and the woman gives me tons of customs forms to fill out so she moves me to the side and begins helping all the people behind me while I fill them out. I fill them out and she continues helping people behind me. Finally I say, "I'm done!" and she pays attention to me again.
After I slide my card and officially spend more on shipping than I did on Christmas, I leave the post office, 30 minutes after arriving, knowing that Jay is probably fuming at my lateness because he has to get to work.
He's not. In fact, when I open the door, he's doing laundry and putting a chicken in the crock pot for dinner tonight and greeting me with a smile.
So, regardless of how hungry I am, tired I feel, irritated I become or empty my pockets are, I have a pretty amazing man at home who eliminates all of that irritation with a smile and a hug.
It's going to be alright...

Healer

2009-12-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

Jerad asked me to lead the song, 'Healer' on Sunday and I quickly said 'yes' without really thinking about it. When I looked up the lyrics to practice, I suddenly found myself wondering if I'd be able to utter such words:

"You heal all my disease"

I know that He can heal disease, but coming out of a recent circumstance where I diligently prayed for a person's healing, only to learn that they passed away made it difficult for me to sing this with confidence...and I don't like to sing a lie.

The rest of the song I believed with fervency: "You hold my every moment, you calm my raging seas, you walk with me through fire....I trust in you, I believe that You're my healer, I believe You are all I need..."

But "You heal ALL my disease" was troubling to me.

I wrestled with it, wondering if I was going to have to call Jerad back and tell him that in good conscience, I couldn't sing something I wasn't sure I believed. Don't get me wrong, I believe He is good...I believe He is just...I just wasn't convinced in that moment that He heals all of our diseases.

A few weeks ago I attended church alone with Caden while Jay rested at home with a head cold. I felt strangely introverted, very unlike me...I didn't want to talk to anyone or make eye contact...I felt lonely and uncertain without Jay by my side. It was a weird feeling for me. Jay usually has to drag me out of a social setting because I stop and talk to every soul along my path, but not this particular day...I was intimidated about being without him in the crowd.
In the midst of the service, it hit me that this would be my cousin's reality should his wife pass away, leaving him alone to raise their six year old daughter. The band started singing "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" and I lost it. I sat in the dark sanctuary, faced the wall as to not attract attention and sobbed...because in that moment, I was him. I feel as though it was one of the first times in my life that I ever, truly interceded and prayed for someone. I feel like for a moment I was able to feel a tiny fraction of the discomfort and sadness and loneliness of losing a spouse and I wept and wept and wept for him...I prayed, "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue..." but it wasn't my rescue I needed Him to come to...it was Jonathan's.

Two weeks later, Shelly passed away.

It dawned on me in the midst of this lyrical, internal struggle that this life isn't all there is...that our souls were made for eternity and that death, in a way, is a healing. Pastor Brian later spoke on that very thing...about how when we say death is healing, it isn't a cop out or an excuse because God didn't do what we thought He should...it's truth. This is why Shelly didn't 'lose' her battle with cancer...she is victoriously healed right now.

I ended up singing the song and I believe it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever had leading worship because I believed, wholeheartedly, after MUCH thought and consideration, every word that was coming out of my mouth and I was focused more on that than I was the tickle in my throat or the chilly temperatures in the sanctuary. It was a beautiful and raw moment between me and God and I am humbled that I was able to share it with a room full of people who needed to hear the message.

The fact that God uses me in spite of myself is always mind boggling for me. I just thought I'd share one way in which He did that this week.

I will not....

2009-12-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

...tell myself something is impossible, too expensive or too difficult to attain
...define myself by what others perceive to be true about me
...lose sleep over things I cannot control or lies I've told myself
...teach my children to be passive
...place money or objects above God and family
...waste time being ungrateful when I am overwhelmingly blessed
...lie
...allow life's annoyances to rob me of my joy
...make everything about 'me'
...scratch the neighbour's car even though he purposefully parks it in my spot ALL the time
...orchestrate a giant Christmas list with Caden, teaching him that Christmas is all about stuff
...cease to give even when the budget isn't working out
...say everything that pops into my head
...degrade, disrespect or talk down to another human being just to make myself feel superior
...drink a chick fil a milkshake everyday
...allow tiny things to make me really upset
...get my feelings hurt easily
...desperately seek attention where ever I can get it
...take my job lightly
...forget Who defines me

It's A...

2009-12-04T12:21:00.000-08:00

BOY! We are all super excited about welcoming another little man into the world.
Caden is SUPER psyched about having a baby brother.
I guess I will be out numbered by boys in our house...and that's alright by me ;)

Baby X

2009-12-02T19:48:00.001-08:00

Is it a Baby XX or a Baby XY?
We may know tomorrow...

In Rememberance of A Wonderful Woman

2009-11-29T20:37:00.000-08:00

I will not say that Shelly lost her fight with cancer because I don't believe that's the case. She fought with a fervor and strength that I didn't know any human being could possess. Cancer didn't win and it didn't beat her. It simply overwhelmed her physical body. She is now far from the pain that may have claimed her body but didn't sabotage her soul. Her energy, the smile and laughter and kindness that made up the woman that she was, lives on eternally. Take that, Cancer.
I believe that life doesn't necessarily justify living...Heaven justifies living...and I look forward to seeing Shelly there. Anyone who could have handled their final years, months and days with the grace, hope, love and dignity that she did, obviously had strength that only God Himself can provide. And while she was here, she brought Heavenly things to earth by rising above personal circumstances and selflessly pouring into those around her.
You are an inspiration and you will be missed, everyday.

Please pray for Shelly's husband (my cousin, Jonathan) and six year old daughter whose lives are better for having known her but forever changed for having lost her. Peace be with them.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T20:54:00.001-08:00

This year, Jay and I will be cooking and hosting our own Thanksgiving feast. For the past several years we have gone to other people's homes/churches to take part in their festivities but this year we will be conjuring up the holiday goodies all by ourselves. I bought everything I need tonight...but I forgot the turkey :) No worries, I went back out and seized the perfect bird. Pregnancy brain is ridiculous these days.
Our good friends from Newfoundland (who live in Charlotte, NC) will be joining us for several days of awesomeness. We're super excited about it. Even if we mess up the turkey and end up eating Chinese on Thursday, we'll give thanks with loved ones and have a blessed holiday. You be sure to do the same!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Untitled

2009-11-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

I've started and deleted about 5 different blog posts today...I can't seem to articulate what it is I want to say, even though I feel the itch to write.
A lot has been happening lately. Being alone for an entire week gave Jay and I some much needed time to talk, dream, pray and figure out what it is that we want and what we believe God wants for us.
Here's what I'm learning in recent months/weeks/days/hours/minutes:
- God is bigger than my understanding and there are some things I will never know about Him...and that's OK. To act or walk about as if I have Him all figured out is to arrogantly miss out on the beauty of Him. A god that can be dissected and figured out is no god at all.
- I believe that there are moments when God calls us to do specific things and moments when He has equipped us to make choices on our own. Love your neighbour? Specific call from God. Move to another state? May or may not be a specific call. It may not matter as long as you plan on being His hands and feet once you get there.
- I trust Him and that is a choice. There have been a lot of things happening in my life this week that have required me to CHOSE to stop being afraid, nervous and cynical and to trust that He is good regardless. Some days I make that choice once and it sticks...other days I make that choice 100 times...but I will keep choosing it.
- I married a miracle. Seriously. My husband is living proof that God can infiltrate a human heart and radically change a man. I am so grateful that my children have him as a father. They will be better people for it. I can honestly say that I would follow that man anywhere and everywhere he leads me because I believe he is a Godly man. I trust God therefore I trust his son, Jay. It's a great chain reaction.
- Things are not as black and white as we have made them...I believe that we (you and I) can't determine who will be in Heaven based on whether or not they fit in the Christian mold that the Western church has created for the typical 'Christian' to look like. I believe that we spend too much time focusing and arguing about theology. A good friend of mine has recently challenged me to simply love God and love people and not to worry about all the other stuff. I think my friend might be onto something...
- I believe that God is good regardless of the fact that my cousin may die this week...I hate what her family is going through and that her 6 year old daughter will grow up without a mother...there is no beauty in this situation and it's hard to fathom any good coming from it...but perhaps because of this, that 6 year old will grow up with a passionate desire to find a cure for cancer or work with cancer patients and she will change the lives of hundreds, maybe thousands of people...I don't know...all I know is that God's heart is breaking right along with her husband's, parent's and loved one's.
- My trials are small in comparison to others. I grew up with a boy who is now in jail. He's a good man and I can't begin to understand how he must feel right now. All I know is that I would lose a house any day of the week over losing my marriage, my freedom, my children, my health....stuff is stuff...if you can put a price tag on it, it's not worth stressing about.

The Perfect Vacation

2009-11-14T18:32:00.000-08:00

Jay and I just got back from the most amazing vacation ever. It's the first time since 2004 that we've vacationed alone...generally, we spend our vacation time to visit friends and family and although those trips are more than enjoyable, they are always exhausting.
This vacation was different. We left last Sunday and returned today, spending an entire week alone with one another, relaxing, sight seeing, star gazing and wave watching as we cruised along the southern Atlantic into the Bahamas.
Our room was lovely, the service was fantastic, the food was plentiful, the weather was lovely, there was plenty to do, I won a facial our very first day on board, Jay won two paintings from the art gallery by guessing the price of an expensive piece of artwork and coming closer than anyone on board the ship. I participated in an on board talent show and received a trophy shaped like a cruise ship and a bottle of french champagne...we soaked up some sun (but not too much...I remain quite pale from fear of burning and being uncomfortable), we took in the most gorgeous scenery...everything was perfect in every way...
But the greatest part of this experience was not the things we won, the places we visited, the people we met or even the luxurious scenery. It was getting to spend a full, uninterrupted week with my favourite human...and I appreciate/love/respect him more now than I ever have before.
Thanks to everyone who helped make this excursion possible. It was the most perfect week imaginable.
We are now planning a European Cruise for summer, 2014! :)

The Power of Example

2009-11-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

I believe that Jay and I have an exceptional marriage. We have been married for a little over 6 years and although we have changed slightly as individuals, we have grown closer as a couple. People change...the key is to make choices to change towards one another instead of apart.
I can honestly say that life with him gets better and better and better.
We aren't perfect. We pick at each other from time to time. We drop the ball with our attitudes when we're tired...after all, you tend to take your frustrations out on the people you love the most...but we have never purposefully hurt one another, we have never let the threat of divorce EVER come across either of our lips, we laugh daily, we not only love each other...we really, really like each other.
There is no one in this world I would rather spend time with than Jay. He fascinates me...he still gives me butterflies in my tummy. A few weeks ago I was singing in the worship team and I looked down and saw him in the congregation and I got all nervous and giddy, like I was seeing him for the first time. He is my favourite human.
Regardless of what challenges we face, we have two things that only grow stronger with time: Love and Respect.
I believe a big reason why my marriage is healthy and strong is because I got to watch my parents do marriage right. My mother was/is an exceptional wife....my father was/is an exceptional husband...they taught me what love and respect looks like. There was never a time when I covered my ears to shield the sound of my parents fighting...there was never a moment where I questioned whether or not they'd stay together....I never had to wonder whether or not they were happy together...they were ONE... I never viewed them as single units. They were so completely united on everything which at the time I thought was normal but now I realize takes work, compromise, mutual submission and a depth of respect. They never made petty digs at one another...my father never treated my mother like her position wasn't important because she stayed at home with her kids and my mother never made my father feel inferior when there wasn't enough money to pay the bills...they had their priorities straight... God came before everything...and they knew that each other worked really hard and did the best with what they had.
I say all of this because tomorrow my parents will be celebrating 41 years of marriage and I not only need to congratulate them for that...I need to thank them.

I wouldn't know how to do this life with Jay properly is it wasn't for your powerful and beautiful example of marriage...a true testament of how Christ must feel about His church.
The greatest gift that any parent can give their child is a healthy marriage and because you gave that gift to me, I can give it to my children...and a beautiful, powerful and holy cycle of God-centered marriage will continue and grow stronger from generation to generation because of your example.
I love you both very much. Happy Anniversary.

False Alarm

2009-11-05T15:42:00.001-08:00

Sorry friends. Baby X was dancing too much to give us a good angle...maybe next time!

Boy or Girl?

2009-11-05T10:16:00.001-08:00

We might find out today...

Long Overdue

2009-11-03T10:43:00.001-08:00

In 5 days, Jay and I will be going on vacation. We won't be visiting anyone. We won't have any obligations. We won't have a child to tend to (this part makes me a little nervous and sad, but I know it's important to take a break from the little guy). It'll just be us and the open seas...and I can't wait.
We've never done anything like this. When we got married, the ceremony was on a Friday night and we were back to work on Monday morning. The last time Jay and I went on a vacation together, that didn't include travelling to one of our home towns, was when we spent 4 days in Wilmington, NC in March, 2004.
Jay said last night, "I don't have many regrets about our marriage but not taking enough breaks together is definitely something I regret."
But thanks to a generous and early Christmas gift from my parents, we'll be going on a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas. We leave Sunday for Jacksonville, board the ship on Monday and sail the seas until Saturday morning. Every day we get more and more excited...I have not gone to any public places this week without hand santizer...yesterday, I applied purel to mine and Caden's hands about 13 times each...I refuse to get sick before this trip!
I am aware that Caden will be a tad bit angry when we return. Anytime I've ever left him, he makes me pay for it when I come back...but I've learned that's how he shows me how much he missed me...by torturing me for leaving him :)
But it's so important for Jay and I to take this time, just for us. These days, we don't get a lot of time alone and those quiet moments together are only going to become fewer and farther between once a new baby is thrown into the picture so although this vacation is long overdue, it's also right on time.
I have to give a special thanks to:
My parents for making this possible...I am truly blessed to have you as my parents....and not just because of the tangible things you do for me...the intangible is priceless.
Jay's parents, for fronting us some Christmas love early so we can have a stress-free time.
Amber, for holding down the fort (taking care of Caden, cleaning, cooking, animal maintaining) while we're gone. Knowing Caden is with you makes it less stressful to leave him. He is really looking forward to his special 'Ms. Ambo' time.
Dana, for taking care of Caden for a few days while we're gone. When I asked you to help, you didn't even hesitate.
Sonnie from Little Lambs, who is letting Caden go to school for a day while we're gone.
The dude who bought Jacksonville Jaguars tickets from us...Jay won tickets to a game and sold them on craigslist for lots o' cash. HUGE blessing...we'll be going on a stress-free vacation.
Last but certainly not least, God - for giving me the most amazing husband a woman could ever ask for.
Bring on vacation!!!

Prayer Needed:

2009-10-28T22:03:00.000-07:00

We've gone through a lot this year...we've lost jobs, had our household income sliced in half, are on the brink of destroying our credit with a home-purchase gone wrong...

I will be the first to say, "Thank you God that these are my greatest struggles."

A few years ago, my cousin was travelling alone to visit family on the other side of Canada and had a seizure during a stop over in the Toronto Airport. She woke up in an Ontario hospital to be told she had an inoperable brain tumour. I'm sure she and her husband remember that date vividly. For them, it was the day the earth stood still.
Since then she has endured radiation, chemotherapy...countless procedures in an attempt to shrink, stunt or slow the growth of the tumour...at first it was slow moving but it has since picked up speed.
A few months ago the doctors suspected she could live for another few years. They have recently downgraded that to a month...maybe two.

Although I know to my core God is good, that He freely gives and rightfully takes away, that His will is perfect, I don't know how to justify any type of good in this...it's one thing to lose a house...it's another to lose a wife and a mother...it's heart wrenching to think about. Imagine how devastating it is to experience.

We have all marvelled at her strength and character during this entire battle. She's a wonderful woman. She's fun and sweet and down to earth...she's one of those people who is 100% genuine. What you see is what you get. She tells it like it is...and everyone loves her for it. She's beautiful inside and out...she's kind...she's a great mom...she's a great person...

I live 3000 miles away so I can't physically help her out, babysit for her, cook her meals, clean her place or just hang out with her...but what I can do is solicit prayer on her behalf which is my purpose in writing this.

I don't say the following to instill false hope...and I'm certainly not claiming that God has told me she will be healed....I think that kind of talk is dangerous and damaging when spewed recklessly...but I believe in miracles...in God's ability to shrink tumours, heal bodies, restore people...I've seen it happen. We're always so afraid to pursue God about matters such as healing or miracles for fear of Him not doing it...we've all prayed for someone or something at one point or another that didn't end the way we wanted it to. But here's the thing: God is good. He is good when things are great and he's good when all we see is Hell on earth. He is bigger than our comprehension and greater than our circumstance...and I can't sit back and do nothing, wondering what could have happened if the people of God had come together to petition His throne for radical healing of this woman.

So let's do it. I've withheld her name for her privacy...she doesn't know I'm writing this so I wanted to be respectful, but God knows her. He's her Father. He knows her better than she knows herself and He LOVES her...this is true regardless of the outcome. When you pray for her, you may know little to nothing about her...but God knows the beginning, end and middle of this courageous woman's story.

SO pray. Pray fervently and passionately. Pray for the first time if you've never prayed before...because this is the perfect scenario for a miracle to take place.

Now, recognize how blessed you are and go hug your family.

Practice Run

2009-10-28T10:54:00.000-07:00

Caden and I had a 13 month old little friend come over to play today. I was interested to see how Caden would react to a baby in his room, touching his toys and toddling towards him...he's not usually a big fan of walking babies...I think they freak him out because he can't figure out if they are a baby or a kid...
Anyway, Baby Friend arrived at 9am and we went into Caden's room where he was playing the keyboard. Immediately, he started pulling musical toys out of his toy box, asking, "Is this OK for babies?"
One at a time he brought them to her, building her a drum set then sitting at his own drum set to 'teach' her how to play. It was quite cute.
Then we got ready and went to the park to meet Dana and her boys for a little duck feeding time. Baby Friend sneezed in the car...Caden said, "O, bless you."
When we got to the park, I unbuckled Caden and he climbed out of the car himself...making me thank my lucky stars that he's already so independent before baby #2 arrives. I got Baby Friend into her stroller and we all had a lovely time at the park. I tried to get everyone back in the car as efficiently as possible. Caden climbed in first and got seated. Then I buckled in the baby and threw her diaper bag in on the car floor. Then I popped the trunk and put the stroller in there. Then I got in the car...as I was about to pull away Caden said while laughing hysterically, "Mama, I'm not safe!"
I forgot to buckle him in. Thank God for a child with a good vocabulary!
We both laughed as I buckled him in. I thanked him for reminding me and he said, "That's ok."
At lunch he ate really well and Baby Friend gnawed on bananas, bread and baby-sized cheez-its. Caden made sure she had everything she needed.
On the way home he looked over at her and said, "I love her."
When we got home, I was holding Baby Friend while trying to manipulate her pac-n-play...Caden followed behind with all the blankets she would need for her nap. He picked up everything I dropped (don't worry, I didn't drop the baby!), asked to help make the bed and 'shushed' me every 5 minutes after she fell asleep.
"Mama, Shhh! The baby is sleeping!"
All of this to say, Caden is going to make an excellent big brother. He is loving and kind, caring and thoughtful, helpful and polite...I'm really excited for him to meet his baby brother or sister and I feel much better about how he'll react to being a sibling...I'm also more confident in my own abilities to handle more than one kid. I was a bit nervous, but I actually think I'll enjoy the challenge...not to mention the cuteness :)

Injection Rejection

2009-10-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

There's been a lot of talk about the H1N1 virus and the flu vaccine this season. Some, like mainstream doctors and nurses, are hardcore advocates for the vaccine and have received it themselves...others, like chiropractors and those who practice more natural forms or medicine, are strongly against it.
A nurse at my primary doctors office told me that I HAD to get the swine and regular flu vaccine because I'm pregnant. My chiropractor passionately begged me, "Don't you dare put that poison in your body."
I've done hours of reading and research on the subject...I'm not a health care professional and I'm not a flu vaccine expert....nor am I a passionate 'anti-vaccine' hippie...but here's where I stand:

The Swine Flu: It is not the black plague and it is not polio. It's the flu...a nasty one. I have had several friends who have already had it, nursed it and pulled through it in the same way they would a regular bout of the seasonal flu. The seasonal flu has actually killed 5 times the amount of people since January than the swine flu has...and since it's first appearance, the swine flu has weakened significantly and many doctors are advising people that the regular flu is much more dangerous at this point. If you get the flu, rest, drink plenty of liquids and don't hesitate to go to the ER for fluids, if needed. That's what I'll be doing should I come down with one of the dozen strains of flu going around...swine flu being one of them.

My experience: I have never had a flu vaccine. Caden has had two. Both times, he became seriously ill within 24 hours. High fever, vomiting and a respiratory infection that lasted for 2 weeks, BOTH times. My pediatrician claims there's no possible way the flu vaccine caused that to happen and it must have just been 'coincidence'. No one took a second to even considering that maybe he has an allergy to something in the vaccine cocktail. Their lack of concern for his history with flu shots caused me to second guess the information they were giving me. He has not had a flu shot in 2 years and he has done really well. He's gotten sick from time to time, but never as sick as he was after the flu shots. He's a good eater and eats a pretty balanced diet, causing him to bounce back quickly from bugs when they get into his system. He reacted perfectly fine to other vaccinations but I will never inject him with another flu vaccine of any kind again. The benefits don't out weight the risks in his particular case. Some kids do great with it, he does not. There is something in that shot that makes him brutally ill...and I'm not going to infect my baby with a dangerous illness for a THIRD time. He's been thriving and doing wonderfully since we stopped the flu shot regimen and we'll continue to eat well, wash our hands and be smart about our health and safety.

What I've learned: I respect and have benefited greatly from chiropractics and unconventional forms of medicine. I am slow to medicate myself, pregnant or not. I just don't like using medication to solve pain or problems. Six months after having Caden, my back had reached a point where it was completely twisted, a disc was out of place and I was in constant, chronic pain. I'm talking pain. P-A-I-N. I couldn't sneeze without bracing myself, I couldn't lower my baby into his crib, I was miserable and knew there was something wrong. I went to my primary physician who told me, "I'll give you something for pain." I asked if we were going to do xrays or tests to see what was wrong and he assured me the pills would take care of everything. I was so irritated and asked for a referral for a chiropractor. He gave me one and said, "If that doesn't work for you, come back and I'll prescribe you something."
Long story short, I went to the chiropractor and through natural manipulation and ARP therapy, my pain level has gone from a 9 out of 10 to a 1. Completely changed the quality of my life, literally REPAIRED my injury, all without surgery, injections or drugs that would have completely damaged my liver and organs if taken from the age of 22 til who knows when...
All that to say, I believe that doctors are amazing people but they can be wrong...I also believe that (especially in America) they are quick to offer medication and surgeries as the ultimate solution to problems in order to profit) when nutrition and proper body care are safer and more effective.
Every person I have questioned in the chiropractic community have urged me to say 'no' to the flu vaccine and I greatly respect their opinions and knowledge. I'll be talking to my OBGYN next week about my concerns but having learned a lot already on my own, I doubt my convictions will subside.

The H1N1 vaccine has no evidence of safety in pregnancy. In America, the mercury and preservative free versions are too expensive for me to obtain. I've never had a flu shot so I have no idea how it would effect me...I am very sensitive to medication and I fear the vaccine making me more sick than the flu itself (which was the case with Caden). Also, the H1N1 vaccine has polysorbate 80 which is linked with infertility and countless other dangerous preservatives like the regular flu shot...if I want to be preserved to that degree, I'll just go drink formaldehyde :)

As far as the regular flu shot goes, Jay has already received his. He received a shot with a combination of 3 vaccines however there are more than 10 flu strains going around. Receiving the flu shot has lowered his risk of contracting the flu by only 33%. Being pregnant, I'm VERY conscious of the medications I put into my body (I have a headache right now and still won't take a Tylenol because it's better to be safe than sorry) so the benefits of the flu vaccine aren't worth the risks for me and the unborn baby.

I am boosting my immune system by receiving regular chiropractic adjustments, taking my vitamins, eating properly, avoiding germ infested public places, receiving prompt and proper pre-natal care and washing my hands like a crazy. Now, my husband works in a health club and my roommate works in a day care so between the two of them, I'm sure many germs will make their way into our house...but if I contract the flu in spite of my efforts, I still won't regret not getting the flu vaccine. I have done a lot of research, I've prayed, I've talked with the medical personnel who have been proven to make my life better with their knowledge and services, I've read for hours about what's in the shot and how effective it is and I have to do what I believe is right for my body and my kids.

In closing: Although I greatly respect and support the chiropractic community (they seem to know more about the connectivity and function of the human body than any GP I've ever gone to) I don't jump on the band wagon with everything my chiropractor says...most chiro's believe that routine vaccinations are linked with autism and recommend against any and all vaccines for babies...I don't believe there is enough evidence supporting that...(however in the H1N1 vaccine, there is an additive that is directly linked with autism). I'm not anti-vaccination...but when it comes to my kids and my experience, I'm 100% anti-flu shot.
Still, Jay got one and I'm happy to say, he's fine...I don't think he's anymore safe from the flu than I am at this point (considering he just called and said he thinks he's coming down with something...great...) but he had no (immediate) adverse effects.
24 hours after BOTH of Caden's flu shots, his lungs filled with fluid to the point of him vomiting from trying so hard to breathe. Frankly, I'd be a complete idiot to do that to him again.
If I contract the flu, I will take optimal care of myself and not hesitate to go to the ER for fluids and treatment...and I won't be embarrassed or regretful of my decision not to vaccinate...I know I could get it...I just believe, at this point, after much research and conviction, that the vaccine is just as unsafe (or more so) than the flu itself...so why chose one when I could possible avoid the other altogether? People need to remember the importance of diet, proper nutrition, exercise and general smart and safe practices like hand washing...these are your safest defenses against any contractible illnesses.

My Advice: You need to find a medically minded individual you've had positive history with, whom you trust, who is informed and unbiased and seek their advice. There's too much propaganda from both sides out there and I don't trust anything I see on TV anymore..particular television shows like 'The Dr's' or others that stand to greatly profit from the mass sale of vaccinations.
At the end of the day, you need to weigh the pros and cons for your family. Based on my personal experience with Caden and the flu vaccine, I would be knowingly harming him by giving it to him again. Someone elses experience might be different.
Unfortunately, there isn't enough testing being done to determine that risk beforehand...and personally, Russian roulette isn't a game I'd recommend with children.

I hope everyone does their research and feels at peace with whatever decision they reach for themselves and their families.

Brink of a Miracle

2009-10-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

Growing up in a traditional, Newfoundland, Salvation Army church, we use to sing a chorus during the Sunday night, 4 hour testimony time called, "Don't give up, you're on the brink of a miracle."

Melodically, this song is the equivalent of a cat in a blender but the lyrics are lovely. I didn't recognize that when I was teenager because I was too distracted, trying to play piano in the midst of dueling accordions but lately, the lyrics (not the tune) of that song have been running through my head.

I've shared in some detail the situation Jason and I have faced with a property we own in Wakulla County, Florida. Long story short, we bought our first house in 2007, went through one devastating financial blow after another (for which we were not prepared) and after a year of trying to sell the house before losing it, we moved out this past February, knowing that we wouldn't be able to afford the payment in March. We didn't believe it was right to stay in a house we weren't paying for so we moved out in an attempt for it to show better and sell quickly.

Housing prices in our area have greatly declined in the past two years so the same property is worth about $40,000.00 less than what we bought it for. Having no money for lawn equipment or services, we haven't been able to maintain the property very well. Due to no one living in the house, the fence surrounding it has received a bit of vandalism. We have to pay utilities out there because the house needs electricity and A/C for the realtor to show it effectively. Paying utilities in both places has been annoying and draining but we're doing everything we can to rectify this issue and resolve our debt. At the end of the day, that's how we sleep well at night.
We enlisted the help of a real estate company that explained to us that a short sale was our only option short of foreclosure and knowing full well what we were getting into, we went ahead and listed the house for less than we owe in hopes of getting a decent offer.

We got that decent offer, much better than expected, in June while we were home in Newfoundland. We were overwhelmingly grateful, sure that this was our deliverance. The buyer held on throughout the long, short sale process but at the beginning of this month we received the news: The buyer backed out. We didn't blame them. We would have too.

The house was placed back on the market, now looking much shabbier than ever before. Because the offer we had received was so good, it was unlikely that the bank would accept anything less than that and we were convinced no one would come close to offering that amount again. We received a letter informing us that the house will cease to be insured in January unless we pay an astronomical policy out of pocket, which won't be able to happen.

I also got a phone call yesterday, confirming our address because 'important papers' needed to be delivered to myself and Jason. Here we go. It's happening...
Jay and I have been talking, praying and working through this situation for a long time and I can honestly say that I really like the people we've become throughout it. I know that's weird, because I don't like the process...but if we had to go through this to grow the way we've grown...I'd do it again.

Last night we talked for hours about everything...about how confident we are in the decisions we've made for our family (after the stupid ones we made :) coupled with blows we couldn't have predicted. Our priorities are in check.
We were sitting outside of Starbucks, talking about the house when I got a lump in my throat...that only happens when I picture Caden's room...I just want someone else to own the house and re-paint it, change the locks and make it theirs...I don't want it to be mine anymore. Jay took my hand and said what I've known all along but needed to hear again, "Kathy, it's just a house."

At the same time 'His eye is on the sparrow' was playing on the Starbucks radio...

This morning I woke up and began to pray about life...I prayed for my friends, I prayed for my family, I prayed that my parents would live a really long time, that my hurting friends would find comfort, that my unsaved friends and family would find Christ...I prayed that the sick would be healed, that my children would love God and be set apart for Him. Then I said, "If I need to go through bankruptcy to become the woman You want me to be, bring it on...but if it is Your will, I pray for a miracle."

Jay came home this evening asking if our 'special papers' had arrived today...they hadn't...but then the phone rang.
Jay spoke with someone for a few moments, thanked them, assured them that we'd 'get it to them right away' and hung up the phone. It was our realtor...

We got another offer on the house TODAY.

"How much?" I asked...knowing that it couldn't be as good as the first but worried the bank wouldn't accept anything lower.
"It's the same as the first." Jay answered, bewildered.

Don't give up, you're on the brink of a miracle.

Now, I'm not naive enough to think this is a done deal...I know the bottom could fall out, I know they could walk away, I know the bank may move too slowly again...but at least it's possible...more possible today than it was yesterday...more possible this evening than it was this morning. That reminder is enough. God is good.

These buyers have specified that they want to close by November 30th, which if this happens then Happy Thanksgiving to Us...but if this bubble bursts and we end up getting those 'special papers' after all, it doesn't change that my Father is a God of miracles and that He is good...and I will praise Him for the woman I will become and the lessons I've learned throughout this entire thing.

His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me

Conversations With a Three (and a half) Year Old

2009-10-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

- Caden was eating cereal one morning and his bowl was too far from him, causing him to spill the majority of his food on the table before it made it to his mouth.

Daddy: "Caden, your bowl is too far away, what should you do?"

Caden: "Um....eat my food?"

Daddy: "No, what should you do if your bowl is too far away?"

Caden: "Um...say my memory verse?"

Daddy: "....what?"

- Caden and Ms. Amber were sitting on a bench at Lake Ella, watching the ducks in the water. They were sitting quietly, enjoying some icecream when suddenly Caden looks out at a duck and screams:

"NO, I CANNOT SWIM WITH YOU WITH MY CLOTHES ON!!!"

Ms. Amber: "Caden, did that duck just talk to you?"

Caden: "Yes" (pointing to a specific duck) "That one."

- We sat Caden down and told him that he was going to be a big brother. He was very excited and asked if he could see the baby. We told him the baby was too little to come out of Mommy's tummy but he could see a picture. I held out the ultrasound picture and he looked it up and down.

Caden: "That is a SCARY baby"

Mama: "You're right. It does look a little scary now."

Caden: "Ya, it needs to grow some more."

Beyond What You Can Bear

2009-10-16T08:47:00.001-07:00

This week has been a difficult one for many people I love. I feel like I've been hearing one piece of bad news after another and I've spent many nights this week, lying awake, thinking about the hurting lives and precious faces of my friends. Illness, brokenness, sadness, dreams being shattered and lives forever changing...It's crazy how life's ability to change drastically from one day to the next can be both exciting and terrifying...motivating and paralyzing.

A lot of people misquote the bible and say, "I know God won't put me through anything I can't handle" when that's not what the bible says...
The bible says that God will not tempt you beyond what you can bear...but be assured, life will give you plenty more than you can bear on your own...Enter: God's strength.

God's strength is perfect in those moments when it's all just too much.

I've been watching "The Biggest Loser" and there is a contestant on this show who's husband, pre-school aged daughter and six day old son were killed in a car accident a few years ago. Every time I see that woman on my TV screen my throat swells with emotion. How do you live through that? Certainly that isn't beyond what one can bear without super natural strength?

I'm reading a book about a man and woman who's child was born and lived only for a few brief seconds. 6 months later, their 5 year old daughter died unexpectedly in her sleep from a rare heart deformity that they didn't know she had. How can a human muster up the strength to deal with that kind of trauma? We can't, not without the hand of God.

How does a wife pick herself up off of the floor after the man who vowed to love her forever, wakes up one morning and says, "I'm sorry, I don't love you and I don't know if I ever did."? By the strength and grace of God. How does a small child continue on after being abandoned by his parents? By believing that God is his father who loves him unconditionally. How does a person in chronic or terminal pain, accept that God is a God of love and healing? By remembering the pain that Jesus endured for them.

In the book, "Things Unseen", Mark Buchanan explains that life doesn't justify living...how can it for those who seem to suffer from start to finish? Heaven, God's promise and His hope of life eternal with Him is what justifies living.

In the midst of death, illness, unfaithfulness, broken hearts and crushed dreams, God is ready and waiting to mend the pieces and make them stronger and more beautiful than ever before.

Surrender

2009-10-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

I have been debating as to whether I should write about this...I don't want to offend but I also don't want to speak cryptically. I'm going to attempt to write this in as few words as possible, a difficult feat for me considering when it comes to typing, I'm rather long winded. But here it goes.

I have felt moved recently to write about the area of surrender. In Christian churches, we sing a lot of songs with lyrics like, "I surrender all" and "I'm laying down my rights, I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life." We talk about pursuing Christ with a child like faith. We ask God to 'open the eyes of our hearts' so that we can see Him...so that we can know Him and in turn, make Him known.
I think we often use this dialogue in referring to surrendering our right to sin, or our right to walk away from God. We run full speed into the open arms of our Father and we declare, "Take all of me."
But I wonder how many of us are willing to surrender our religion to God? How many of us are willing to surrender our doctrines? How many of us have been taught a 'christian' way of living that isn't very Christ-like at all but cling to it with white knuckles? How many of us would be willing to surrender everything we thought we knew about God so that we could really know Him? How many of us are willing to embrace a faith that is real and both public and personal, that isn't the rules, laws or soap boxes of our parent's, our political affiliation's or our grand pappy so and so's?...How many of us are brave enough to admit, we don't have it all figured out and we're works in progress? How many of us are willing to surrender our spiritual arrogance?

Rob Bell uses the term 'Brickology' to describe the way some people believe. He describes their beliefs and doctrines as 'bricks' that are carefully layered to create a wall of overall belief...and he describes what happens when someone questions one of their bricks...when someone challenges the believer about a part of their religion...and he describes that people with brickology-type faith respond angrily and often stereotypically like that of their brickology friends...how they aren't able to open their minds and further explore their belief system because if one brick needs to come out, the whole wall will fall down and they'll have nothing left. Such a person spends the majority of their time, defensively fighting off differing opinions instead of allowing themselves to go deeper...learning why it is they believe what they believe instead of just knowing they believe it...and they mistake their personal discomfort for spiritual discernment.

After hearing this section of his book on tape (Velvet Elvis), it completely changed my way of thinking. I had to repent of my spiritual arrogance...the part of me that thought I had it all figured out...when I haven't even scratched the surface...the part of me that assumed MY interpretation of the bible was the only right way. Sure, there are blacks and whites in scripture. The ten commandments for example are pretty straight forward. But the truth is, I've met many people, Christians, born again believers, who stand on the opposing side of myself on many issues, biblical issues, yet we're both of the mindset that we have it right according to scripture.

For example, (and please, don't allow this example to lead to a barrage of argumentative comments...it's just an example) I believe that capital punishment is sinful. I believe that no human being has the right to take a life. I believe that mercy and grace can cover the worst of us and that no man or woman, regardless of how long they went to school or how many letters are behind their name, has the right to determine who is 'good' enough to live and die. Now, if someone murdered or sexually assaulted Caden, would I want to kill them with my bare hands? Heck, yes! And guess what? I would be justified in doing so...I would be justified in my anger. But I surrender my right to do that...I surrender my right to act on emotion, I surrender my right to take justice in my own hands, I surrender my right to be destroyed by anger and bitterness and vengeance. Vengeance is the Lord's and I believe God's Word points to that. But, plenty of Christian people, deep, moral, beautiful Christian people (particularly in this part of the world) feel the opposite and they too believe that scripture points in their direction.
So who's right? Who's wrong? Who's misinterpreting? Who's brick needs to come out? Who's wall is going to fall down?

No one's should...because our beliefs about the things of God shouldn't become our god. If Jesus Himself appeared before me and said, "Kathy, you've got the capital punishment thing wrong." Would I be in a place of surrender, where I would deny myself to follow His teachings? Or would my entire faith fall down around me because I had misunderstood one thing about Jesus?

Sometimes, surrender means surrendering our personal view of who God is or who we think He 'should' be so that we can really know who He is. I've met a lot of non-Christians who want nothing to do with the faith because of none other than us...and that terrifies me...to know that arrogant and uneducated Christians keep people from wanting to know God.
I pray, fervently, that I will not be one of those people. I surrender my right to be one of those people.

Sometimes, it is our religion, our doctrine, our 'truths', not necessarily our sin, that keeps us from fully knowing Him and making Him known.

Hope this makes sense...

I Deserve a Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I do...

This post actually has nothing to do with Obama receiving a Nobel Peace Prize (although I believe he WILL do great things, he hasn't yet so in my opinion it was a bit much, a bit soon but like I said, that's not what this is about). It's actually a post about being in week 13 of my pregnancy!

Good riddens, first trimester! I am thankful for Baby X, but every mama knows that the first trimester is less than fun. Disabling fatigue, 24/7 nausea, insomnia and a growing stomach that isn't cute at all, just chubby. As with my first pregnancy, my nausea literally ceased to exist when week 12 ended, as did the insomnia unique to this pregnancy. I'm still super tired but now that I'm feeling good and staying hydrated, I am officially done with the first trimester blues!

Which leads me to my deserving a Nobel Peace Prize. In the midst of feeling like garbage for weeks and weeks, I kept the peace and didn't scream at or punch anyone! Yay me!

Overcoming the trials of the first trimester is something no current or past President will ever be able to do ;)

I'm just sayin...

The Freedom of Not Knowing

2009-10-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

I am always boggled by how to move forward in life...do you pray specifically or in terms of God's will alone? Do you make plans and take action or sit in the quiet, seeking His face and waiting for direction? How complacent and how proactive should you be?
We've made many moves in our lives...some I recall as being perfect, wonderful stepping stones. The move to camp where I met Jay. The move to marry him. The move back to Tallahassee in 2006. Others were blatant and obvious mistakes...our trip to the Mitsubishi dealership and our house hunt in Crawfordville come to mind...I would love to grab past Jason and Kathy by the shoulder and shake them violently...
Still, in the midst of mistakes and errors I've grown and learned a lot. It's weird that maturity and growth rise from the ashes of our most tragic mistakes and our darkest moments...if we allow ourselves to mature and grow, that is.
Lately, Jay and I have felt ourselves on the verge of 'something'. Sorry for the vagueness, but that's about as clear as it is to even us at this point. We feel a stirring of change, a healthy dissatisfaction with the way things are, a freeing realization that we are not stuck but a terrifying inability to see how it's all going to work out.
It's hard to know whether your desires are of God or not. Whether what you sense is something you should surrender and dismiss or embrace as God's moving. I don't know that I'll ever figure it out...
This morning, I had some quiet time while Jay took Caden to the gym. I sat in the quiet, unplugged the lap top, put the phone on silent and prayed for an extended period of time. I'll be honest, it's been a while since I've had a moment like that. I've been praying but not uninterrupted and not in depth. More popcorn-esque. I prayed about everything and everyone that popped into my head. I prayed for my children, that they would love God. I honestly care very little about what they chose as a career, whether they are strikingly handsome or talented...I just want them to love God. In praying this way, I began to think about how many children God has that don't love Him. I began to picture Him as a broken hearted Father, watching His children hoard their wealth, hate their neighbour, chose other god's because He is, for some reason, not enough for them. I pictured how many of his children he has witnessed be murdered, raped and abused...how many of them suffer and die due to hunger, inaccessible health care and preventable disease, while His other children sit back and watch it happen. I kept apologizing to Him and I think for a brief moment, He allowed me to feel a small percentage of the pain He feels as Father God...and how in spite of it all, loving us and creating us and dying for us is still worth all of it. Amazing.
With a renewed sense of God's love for me, I prayed about our future. Jay and I have been talking a lot about moving up north and although we hope to do that someday, we have no idea how it's going to happen. We don't have the money to move first and then find work but it's really hard to look for work in one state when you live in another. I've been overwhelmed by it all...knowing what we want but having no idea how to attain it. We've made a tentative plan as to when we'd like to move and where we want to be but it all feels empty and uncertain without knowing what God's going to do in the meantime...or where He'll have us end up.
Then I opened James. I figured it was a good place to start reading since Pastor Brian spoke from it yesterday. In the bible I was using, there was a headline over James 4:13-15 that said, "Our Will or God's Will."
Woah.
It said, "Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."
This is what I like to call a scriptural punch in the face. It taught me that it's ok to plan but plan knowing that God may (and more than likely will) shake things up...that He will make things happen that we never dreamed possible, in His time. That He will ground us when we need grounding and reign us in when we need reigning in. That He will make a way where there seems to be no way or He will slam a door that by all rights should be open.
Who am I to say what I was created to be and where I was created to live? Only the Creator knows what the creation was intended for and although it's still unnerving to be in the dark, it's comforting to know that He's got it. It's inspiring to hear other people's testimonies of miraculous faithfulness...how God swooped in, just in time, and blew their minds with problem solving skills they weren't capable of possessing.
I believe the stirring inside of me is in anticipation of great things to come...it's unsettling yet exciting...nerve racking but exhilarating. I am excited about the future even though I have no, sweet clue how it's going to work and I am basking in the freedom of not knowing.

Water Is Important

2009-10-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

I have learned this the hard way at many points in my life because I hate water. I think it tastes like metal and I don't find it refreshing. It turns my stomach. Since becoming pregnant, I have given up the one drink I like. Diet Pepsi. I want to eliminate this beverage, less due to the caffeine and more due to the artificial sweeteners...not good for baby...but finding something that I actually like to drink (that doesn't have 80 pounds of sugar in it) has been very difficult. I think that due to the lack of yummy, liquid choices, I significantly but unintentionally lowered my liquid intake.
For the last week, I have felt weak, faint, winded and overall horrible. Once I realized it was probably a dehydration thing, I was passed the point of no return. No amount of water/Gatorade drinking was making it better.
I went to the ER yesterday, after almost passing out while making a sandwich, and received some IV fluids. Now, I FEEL AMAZING! It's like I had my batteries changed! Yesterday, I had to try three times to get out of bed. This morning, I popped up, made the bed and started folding laundry. I feel energized and healthy...better than I have in a long time.
Long story short, water is important. Lesson learned.

Relief

2009-09-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

Today was the first break we've had from the smouldering heat since April or May. Today, was a beautiful day. I don't want to jinx anything by saying Fall has come, and honestly, 80 degrees doesn't constitute Fall in my opinion, but it was certainly a nice break. Tonight it feels just lovely.
The bedroom window is open, my husband just brought me home a caramel apple and we had a lovely family dinner outside on the deck. Picture perfect.
I have been itching to go home lately...breathing in the cooler air made today's daydreams about being in my mother's kitchen that much more vivid. I love the smell of fresh air mixed with yummy food. I miss looking out the window and seeing the tops of the evergreen trees while the cool evening air fills my nose, making me feel healthy and alive.
Today, even though I am still 2799 miles away, I was able to breathe in a little piece of home.

To Be Like Jesus

2009-09-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

I received a lot of feedback on my last post when I put it on my facebook. Almost 60 comments! Some were mortified by the title and saw it as blasphemous. Some were encouraged by the message of Jesus liberating the captive and freeing us to sin no more.
It was not my intent to offend anyone or to insult the name of Christ. My intention was to get back to the actual, true definition of a word...a beautiful word...that many have taken to mean something negative when it has SO many incredibly positive meanings like one who rejoices in freedom and one who gives abundantly. In that sense of the word, 'liberal' describes Jesus to a tee. Of course Jesus wouldn't push moral boundaries, encourage abortions or advocate for homosexual marriage...this interpretation of the word 'liberal' is exactly why posting this article meant so much to me...because I have been referred to as 'too liberal' time and time again, which according to the misinterpreted American political meaning, is hurtful for a Christ follower to hear.
You can be a Christian and be liberal. You can be a Christian and be conservative. You can be a Christian and be Republican. You can be a Christian and be a democrat. The point is, none of these terms can define us and we shouldn't make ourselves (or anyone else) fit into one of these boxes. Christ is the only definition by which we can truly see and know who we are. Assuming that a democrat lacks morality is unfair...just like assuming a Republican is uneducated and racist is unfair. I don't like to say things like, "I think Jesus would...etc" but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't care which category we fell into, as long as we are focused on loving Him and others. That's what it's all about.
My husband says I have become a bit of a 'shock jockey'. You have no idea how weird that is for me! Me, the one who cares deeply about how she is perceived by others, the one who use to tell on herself as a child if she did anything wrong, the one who cried herself to sleep if one of her kindergarten classmates got in trouble that day, the woman who hates confrontation, hates breaking the rules and hates pushing the token...how did I end up writing material that would challenge and sometimes disturb so many?
Who knows. It's a blessing and a curse I suppose.
I'll be honest, after I read the article "Jesus Christ: Flaming Liberator" I was so incredibly blessed. I read a story of life-saving redemption and salvation. I witnessed the powerful and loving, gracious and merciful hand of Christ and I couldn't wait to share it. Imagine my surprise when it received such an uproar! I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or just my lack of thick skin, but I began to question why I write, why I put myself out there, why I challenge people to new ways of thinking when it doesn't seem to change anything at all. I was folding clothes in my son's closet and a little tear streamed down my face so I said, 'Father, I need encouragement.'
Within a few minutes I received an email from someone I didn't even know read my stuff and she filled me with positive energy that reminded me that it matters...what I do and what I say, matters. Sometimes the negative responses will outweigh the positive but that doesn't mean defeat. It means, that by the grace of God, I said something powerful and if anyone knows me, they'll know my intent was to uplift, not to harm.
I often wish that Jesus would show up in the flesh and just tell me how to feel about things. I like it when life is black and white, when there are definite rights and wrongs but I'm learning, the older I get and the more people I meet, that there still exists a lot of gray area and that I shouldn't be arrogant enough to think that I've got it all figured out.
I praise God that He has given me a steadfast spirit and an ability to grow and learn, that work together simultaneously and at the end of the day, my desire is to make Him proud.
I'd like to thank everyone who reads my ramblings and responds. I love discussion and I love debate. I learn and grow so much as a person and I challenge others to be steadfast yet malleable. We're all works in progress.

Jesus Christ: Flaming Liberal

2009-09-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

People often throw around the word 'liberal' without truly understanding it's meaning. It's used to describe someone who is on the left side of the political process, who isn't Republican or who wrongfully upsets a righteous and good system....I think sometimes it's used as a definition of a person with non-Christian views...none of these definitions are true and I'm glad, because I have often been called 'Liberal'.

Dictionary.com defines 'Liberal' this way:
1. favorable to progress or reform, as in political or religious affairs.
2. (often initial capital letter) noting or pertaining to a political party advocating measures of progressive political reform.
3. of, pertaining to, based on, or advocating liberalism.
4. favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, esp. as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties.
5. favoring or permitting freedom of action, esp. with respect to matters of personal belief or expression: a liberal policy toward dissident artists and writers.
6. of or pertaining to representational forms of government rather than aristocracies and monarchies.
7. free from prejudice or bigotry; tolerant: a liberal attitude toward foreigners.
8. open-minded or tolerant, esp. free of or not bound by traditional or conventional ideas, values, etc.
9. characterized by generosity and willingness to give in large amounts: a liberal donor.
10. given freely or abundantly; generous: a liberal donation.
11. not strict or rigorous; free

The following is an article written by Commissioner Joe Noland. Thanks Sarah for introducing me to it. I think it's powerful and thought provoking

'Jesus Christ: Flaming Liberal'

Flaming: Passionate - “Tending to have strong feelings, especially of love, desire, or enthusiasm” (Encarta). Enthusiasm: God in us.

liber (Latin root meaning): free.

“And you will know the truth and the truth will make you free” (John 8:32 RSV).

"Were Jesus present in the flesh today He would be branded “A Flaming Liberal,” no doubt about it and correctly so. The religious right would be screaming “Bloody murder!” with His every action and pronouncement. Why would it be any different today than when he walked the earth last time? It’s just a different cultural context.

Think about the following assertion in a 21st Century milieu: “If anyone of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” To whom was Jesus speaking? Religious leaders, of course, those who were strictly following the letter of the law as handed down to them.

In my book, 'Lean Right, Love Left: Balancing the Body', I frame it this way: Ask Jesus about His encounter with the woman caught in the act of adultery (John 8:1-11). There is no dispute about her guilt. The law professors were “Levi on the spot” and had her dead to rights. Her prosecutors knew the law forward, backward, and sideward -”The punishment of adultery commanded by Moses was death” (Leviticus 20:10). The rigidity of the law left no “wriggle room,” and compassion was not yet part of the equation. The woman’s accusers were as right as right can be. You could say they were damned right! Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Words says this about their attitude toward the law: “In their zeal for the Law they almost deified it and their attitude became merely external, formal, and mechanical. They laid stress, not upon the righteousness of an action, but upon its formal correctness.”

The formal correctness of the law had become their salvation and, consequently, the means to a self-serving end-the entrapment of Jesus. “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” It was the perfect “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. Would Jesus lean right or left-law or love? If law were the only choice, he would be going against his own teaching. If love were the choice, he would be going against the Law of Moses. The strategy was brilliantly conceived and executed by the prosecution team. They are already patting themselves on the back and exchanging congratulatory handshakes as Jesus pauses for a moment to write something in the sand.

When his response finally does come, it catches them completely off guard: “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” In my imaginative mind’s eye, I see the handshakes and back pats freeze in midair as they absorb the full implications of His challenge. The accusers, who now become the accused, stand stunned and speechless like mannequins in a department-store window. A frozen look of incredulity is plastered on their faces. After what seems an interminable moment, the freeze frame is turned to slow motion. Heads bow, shoulders slump, and faces sag noticeably as they turn and slowly shuffle away like a pack of beaten down bloodhounds turned away from the hunt. This is how I would direct the scene if it were in a film.

Jesus now stands alone with the woman. I like the expository treatment on these verses found in The Wycliffe Bible Commentary: “Only two remained-the sinner and the Friend of sinners. Jesus could have cast the stone, for he was sinless; but he was more concerned with the rehabilitation of the sinner than with seeing that the Law was meticulously satisfied.”

The Friend of sinners says to the woman, “Has no one condemned you?” “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin.”

In your imaginative mind’s eye, translate this scenario forward a couple of millenniums. Adultery is no longer the scourge it once was, especially on the right, but substitute some of the modern day blights making headline news today. Cable news anchors, bloggers and twitterers would be “Johnny on the spot,” recording Jesus’ words and actions, spinning and spreading them instantaneously throughout cyberspace.

Bill O’Reilly and his stereotypical blond bombshell legal analysts would be yelling and screaming, “Fair! Balanced! Foul!” all at the same time, thus canceling each other out. Sean Hannity would be uncovering and righteously exposing another poisonous left-wing extremist, playing to the audience, hint of arrogance in that camera practiced smile. Rush Limbaugh would be frothing at the mouth and screaming out over the airways, “Oh, my God! God help us! Where has this country gone wrong?” Laura Ingrahams would be caustically ranting and raving, spewing vitriolic verbal stones forthwith. Glen Beck would be crying crocodile tears, begging for sanity to once again reassert itself in this God forsaken country (All cable show hosts, self-proclaimed spokespersons for the religious right in America, each backed by a team of legal analysts).

No question about it, Jesus was/is a flaming liberal, no matter how you slice it, theologically or culturally, then or now: Then neither do I condemn you, compassion for (friend of) the sinner now a part of the equation."

I hope that no one finds offense from this article. I think if you are thinking of liberal in the means of the way it is used to describe individuals who push moral boundaries, you have a right to be upset about what the Commissioner has written, but this isn't what liberal is referring to...it's not referring to the way Liberal is depicted in this country. It's referring to mercy, giving and freedom to love people above all else...that law is important but loving our neighbour is the greatest command. It isn't an attempt to further any kind of political agenda...it's simply a means of stating how Jesus placed people above law, rules and regulations...and challenged the religious agenda of that time.
I though it was a clever play on words...a refreshing take on what being liberal could mean as opposed to what people have made it out to be.
Religious leaders who were considered 'cream of the crop' when it came to biblical practices and prinicples were Jesus greatest opposition in his days of earthly ministry...I believe that it would be the same today...I think this article does an accurate job of depicting the widespread panic many would have over the presence of Jesus in modern day America...and I think many wouldn't recognize Him. I just pray daily that I would let no pre-conceived notions, no personal agenda and no unhealthy political affiliation keep me from recognizing Christ. I hope that's your prayer too.
Thanks for reading.

Grumpy Bear

2009-09-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm in a bad mood today...can't really shake it...maybe I shouldn't be writing when I feel this way, but writing is what I do when I can't sleep and I certainly can't sleep right now. I'm annoyed, flustered, concerned, sick, irritated, tired...all for probably no good reason...everyone has these days I'm sure, although most don't advertise it.
Caden woke up at 5am, throwing up, and has had a fever/cough all day. He is still his energetic self so I don't think it's anything too serious...just a little bug which I'm sure he'll be over in no time. That wasn't a great way for either of us to start the day...
I confess, this morning I became very overwhelmed by mess and allowed it to rob my joy. It's funny how dirt and clutter can put a woman in a foul mood. We have a lot of living things in our house so the mess piles up quickly and makes me crazy. I never use to feel this way about my house until I had Caden...then suddenly my house was not only my home but my workspace...and when things are out of place, I just don't function properly...I fear I'll be worse after baby X (as we so affectionately have named him/her) arrives.
So the fatigue coupled with the crabby/sick toddler plus the never ending mess multiplied by some other annoyances has made me a bit of a grumpy bear today. What can I say?

Roar

I think we should probably add hormones to that mix as well. I am not as sick with this pregnancy as I was with Caden but I believe I am much more hormonal...the insomnia is a product of that, not to mention the sudden OCD I have...I don't think I've been super mean to anyone but if I have, I'm sure it's been Jay and I publicly apologize ;)
All of this to say...well...nothing at all, really. This is not encouraging, uplifting or eye opening in anyway...if anything, it was a venting session, a crabby confession and a way to tire myself out in hopes of getting to sleep before 2am...but if you took the time to read it, I thank you.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

God and Jesus

2009-09-21T19:24:00.001-07:00

Caden wrote this song all by himself. I heard him singing it one day in his room while he was playing with his keyboard. For some reason, some of the video quality was lost during the upload but it's still hilarious and adorable...A really great way to spend three minutes.
Enjoy!

Life on Repeat

2009-09-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

I have learned that when God wants you to 'get' something, He often places an episode in your life, over and over again. It's really annoying. Often the faces, places and other details change, but the lesson is always the same...He does this to test us, develop us and to weed out those parts of ourselves that keep us from attaining the greatness He has called us to.
For me, God is constantly trying to teach me not to define myself through the eyes of people. He does this by putting people in my path who don't like me. Really. It's that simple. This may not sound like a big deal to most people, but to me, it's earth shattering. I have so many incredible friends, a close knit family, a husband who loves me more than I deserve and a beautiful son with another child on the way, but if I know of one person who doesn't like me, they have so much power over me! It's all I focus on, all I think about. I try and figure out ways that I can change their mind, desperate for them to see that I'm a good person. Even if it's a situation where an individual is being totally irrational and has no good reason for disliking me, I want to work diligently to change their mind. I am this way because I lose my focus on the one who defines me: Christ alone.
No one knows the creation like the Creator. He has made us in his image, yet uniquely different from the 6 billion other people who walk the earth. With so many personalities, theirs bound to be some conflict. The bible says, "Blessed are you when people insult you..." Matthew 5:11. The truth is, being disliked draws us closer to Christ...he was disliked by a lot of people...knowing the sting of rejection helps us to understand the footsteps of Jesus.
Now, I'm not for one moment saying that anyone who doesn't like me is unjustified and unholy...after all, we are not called to 'like' everyone, we are called to love them according to the definition God has given us in his word. People have a right not to like me. Maybe I have a stupid laugh that annoys someone, or maybe I stand on the opposite side of their politics, or maybe they think my face is weird. There are a plethora of reasons why people dislike other people and the truth is, if someone doesn't like me, they have every right to feel that way...Lord knows there are some individuals I've met throughout my life that were difficult to be around...perhaps I am that person to someone else?
I just hope that if someone doesn't enjoy me, it isn't because I wronged them.
The point is, whether someone is justified with their distaste for me or not, I can not allow it to define who I am. If I have wronged them, I must ask forgiveness and live out Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." If they still shutter at the sight of me or want nothing to do with me, I have to learn to live in peace, knowing that who I am in their eyes is not who I am in the eyes of the Father.
Easier said than done...but I'm hoping I learn how to do this soon...I don't want this lesson to keep repeating itself.

THANK YOU!

2009-09-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

I have to give a public thanks to my dear friends, Steve and Barbara Vickery. When they read about my computer dying, they broke out their old PC, cleaned it up, found all the parts needed and gave it to me to use until Jay and I are able to afford a new one. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life, who support my writing with not only words, but action. I am humbled by your love and I love you back!
Thank you Steve and Barbara for being amazing friends.

What I Think...

2009-09-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

I've engaged in many health care debates over the past few weeks. I've learned a lot from listening to the differing opinions of others. I've learned that I am much more passionate about political things than I ever thought I would be and that I am not a know-it-all. I've learned that as much as I dislike him, insulting Glenn Beck isn't nice and gets me into trouble. I've learned that I can hold my ground and speak intelligently about the things I believe to be right and true.
I am a woman who has had an opportunity to experience life in two very different countries, under two very different governments, in the midst of people with very different mentalities and I think I have a lot to contribute to this debate.

The discussions have opened my eyes to understanding a little bit more about America...how her history is very much evident in her present. Canadian history is very different than that of our southern neighbours. We are a bilingual product of French and British ancestry, a melting pot of multi-culturalism. Canadians are proud to be so, but our patriotism is different. Most Canadians wouldn't think to shout, "CANADA IS THE BEST COUNTRY, EVER!" even if we feel that way. We love our country but we do so differently.

Outside looking in, American patriotism can sometimes be perceived as arrogant or ignorant but I am beginning to see that it is more than that. It is a product of a very real and present history, of having to fight for what you have, a victory cry over what the nation has overcome to become what it is today. I'm also learning that the way I (as a Canadian) view government and community is very different than my American neighbours. Americans are sensitive to the oppression of government after having fought it to become independent. American settlers were British people who could not stand to be under the rule of Britain any longer. Some people stayed loyal to Britain, but those who chose to become Americans did so passionately and with every fiber of their being. That attitude and spirit still remains in the people generations later, fighting for their rights, proclaiming their victories and remaining somewhat fearful of their government.

Discovering this has helped me understand and appreciate our differences.

Lately, we've been talking about health care. I'm no expert but I am daily trying to remain informed. Here's what I think:

Slander, lies and name calling have no place in a fair, political process, ESPECIALLY when it comes from news programming. We must always have the freedom to speak and the freedom to disagree, but when lies are used to tarnish the character of individuals, manufacture fear and further agendas, that freedom of speech has been abused. I'm not a radical Obama follower or a democrat, but so many ridiculous lies have been spread about the President and it's horrifying to see the wide spread panic and reaction caused by misleading information.
Please, do your research. Read the health care bills, read as much non-biased information as you can such as factcheck.org
Fox news is not a reliable source of information, not because I disagree with most of what they say, but because they lie to tarnish the President's name. Plain and simple.

I believe, based on evidence, that government run health care systems work. I don't say this based on personal experience, although I personally have had better experiences with Canadian health care than I have here, but because it's a proven fact. According to the World Health Organization, France has the #1 functioning health care system in the world. This is a government run system. In fact, most of the highest ranking health care systems in the world have universal health care. I've heard many negative things about Canadian health care (mostly from people who have never been there) but I will be the first to admit, it isn't without its flaws. Canada ranks #30 when compared to the other health care systems on the planet. America ranks #37, just below Costa Rica, and this shouldn't be the case for the richest country in the world. Regardless of how you feel about it or whether you want it, the fact is, government run health care systems function beautifully all over our planet and we could learn something from our French, Spanish, British, Italian, (etc) friends.

Many times, people use the argument, "The church should be taking care of the sick."
Well, that's true. Any individual who calls themselves a Christ follower should be doing their part daily to help those in need. However, government, too, should be protecting the rights of it's people. This is exactly what government was designed to do. We have a right to live...we have a right to breathe...we have a right to a beating heart. You can not live without your health. The two go hand in hand. Anyone who believes health care is not a right has not had to watch their family members dying of cancer, being denied medicine that could save their lives due to their bank account. No one should go broke trying to get well and no one should be denied life saving care based on the size of their wallet or the depths of their pockets. Emergency rooms place tiny, expensive band aids on gaping wounds, crippling people's financial future while leaving them still sick.

The USA has some government run programs currently that myself and many of my friends rightfully use daily. Medicaid, medicare, food stamps, WIC, public schools, the post office, the FDA...these and countless others are government run programs that aren't flawless (because nothing is) but they are doing incredible good for the people in our society. Many of us would be sick, hungry or illiterate without them.

Part of being a community is contributing to it, for the better good of all who live within it. Everyone participating in a system that everyone benefits from. A big part of people's stress is the section of the current health care bill that requires people to be insured or pay a tax. From what I've learned about the American people (as referenced above), they don't really like to be 'told' that they have to do anything, especially by government, and especially about money. Trust me, I get that, but consider this: The freedom of quality and affordable coverage for all...the economy taking off because individuals aren't buried in medical debt and can begin to invest in businesses again...affordable, life saving drugs for the chronically ill. The good of society outweighs the negative of being told what to do.

Listen to your President. He's YOUR President now, whether you elected him or not. It's time to administer some respect for authority. Fox news claimed verbatim, "President Obama hates America." This is the kind of garbage I'm talking about. Obama doesn't hate America and he needs to be given a chance to be taken at his word. If he claims in front of congress and half the world that he will not sign a bill that furthers the country's debt now or in the future, that's what he means. If he ends up signing one, then by all means, call him a liar, but for right now that is what he has said and that is what he meant. LISTEN to him. READ the bill. Don't just form an opinion based on what some angry news caster says.

47 million Americans are uninsured, walking around with the capability of going bank rupt and dying at any minute should they discover they have a tumour or fall down the stairs. Some of these people chose not to be insured. The problem is, the uninsured become a liability for the rest of America. This is why Obama's plan includes the necessity of people to have health insurance...because without it, we all suffer for the choices of the negligent. It's like second hand smoke...you may not care that you're taking a risk but I don't want to be effected by your bad air! Living and working together...yes, as individuals, but as individuals who live in community.

I think we can all agree that insurance companies need stricter laws and to be held accountable. People should not be dropped from their policies should they become ill, nor should they be excluded from care for pre-existing conditions..and there is no reason why the same medication in Canada should cost 3+ times more here...and no, it's not watered down in Canada...I've heard that argument too...again, facts are important. If the only thing that changes is this, America will be better for it. Insurance companies are monopolizing health care right now, rewarding their employees when they drop sick clients and refusing care to those who need it most. I am hopeful that enough people agree on this subject that something will be done about it.

I understand that past administrations have failed the American people and most are exhausted, wondering why they should trust this politician to be any different than the others. All I can say is that the face of government changes for a reason...if it were unable to move forward, there would be no need in electing new leadership. The last administration did wonderful things in the fight against abortion. George Bush signed a bill, making it illegal to terminate the life of a baby if born alive after an abortion attempt. That's a wonderful thing.
He also led the country on a wild goose chase over seas, spending billions and killing thousands and causing immeasurable damage to international relations. Every administration has it's strong points and some greatly disappoint us. Give this President a chance to do right with your taxes and your trust.

I hope this sparks some interest and maybe some conversation. It is important to speak openly about these things but it is mostly important to do so respectfully.

Thanks for reading.

6 Years in America

2009-09-09T13:08:00.000-07:00

Wow. 6 years ago I applied for a religious workers visa at the Niagara Falls border and entered onto American soil to marry my foreign love and start a new life with him.
I have to admit, I am happy here. I also have to admit, in the same breath, that I miss Newfoundland more today than ever before. The homesickness doesn't get better with time...it gets much worse.
I think having children makes me miss Newfoundland so much more now...because not only am I so far from my family, whom I am very close with, and friends I have known my entire life but it's just such a wonderful place to raise children. I can't help but day dream about living life there again...
But for now, I have a great life here. I remember as a child, CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) would air Disney movies on Sunday nights. I remember looking at the Magic Kingdom and thinking I'd never see it...my grandparents would board a plane every November and escape to St. Petersburgh, Florida until April. When they came back, their skin would be 8 shades darker and they would bring us the latest electronics because those were always cheaper in 'the states'.
I'd flip through their photo albums and look in awe at the palm trees, as though they were vacationing on some other planet.
Nan would tell me about how big the bugs were there and I would shutter at the thought of it...I pictured scorpions running through people's homes like normal house hold pests.
When I was 16, I started watching Saturday Night Live and learned the majority of my American political information from watching comedy sketches about the 2000 election...Will Ferrell made a convincing George Bush.
My first year of University, my friend Nevin convinced me to apply to a summer camp in North Carolina where he had worked the previous summer. I did and I was accepted. In June 2002 I boarded a plane and made my first official trip to America. I imagined that it was going to be hot, so I only brought bed sheets, no blankets...my first night on American soil I learned the power of air conditioning the hard way...I thought I was going to freeze to death that night. I had never experienced that kind of cold inside while it was so hot outside...
I also was amazed at the height of the trees and road signs...and I learned that the North Carolina sun is more potent than the Newfoundland rays I was used to. Ouch.
After marrying Jay (who I met that summer at camp) we spent a year in SC then our jobs with the Salvation Army brought us to Florida. We spent Valentines Day, 2005 at the Magic Kingdom and it was a truly magical experience...I never thought I'd see Disney World...I've been one time since and unfortunately it had lost it's luster...what was once mysterious and magical has become overpriced, overcrowded and overheated ;)
I've learned a lot since landing in the US of A. I've learned that in many, many ways, I am not unlike my neighbours to the south....and I've learned that in many, many ways, Newfoundland culture sets me apart from any other. I've learned that nurture may be a more powerful force than nature...that not just 'how' a person is raised, but 'where' a person grows up can really shape the way they view politics, economics, community...even Jesus.
I've learned that I am a product of my Newfoundland upbringing in the same way that my American neighbours are a product of theirs. Even though I have been here for 6 years, I still feel very foreign...sometimes that's a good feeling, sometimes it isn't.
I think what most people misunderstand about me is that I am from Newfoundland. Newfoundland is very, very different from the rest of Canada...what I usually hear is, "I've been to Niagara Falls. It's so clean over there in Canada!" or "Newfoundland? How close is that to Toronto?"
Most people don't realize that Newfoundland is the most easterly point of North America, closer to England than it is to Ontario. Our culture is more related to Ireland, culturally, than it is to Canada...and Newfoundland was a colony of Britain until 1949 when it joined Canada after a slim 51%/49% vote. Some people there still refuse to call themselves Canadian..they consider themselves purely Newfoundlanders. We have a funky irishy accent, we drink too much from time to time, we love Celtic music, we look out our windows and see ragged cliffs, rugged coastlines, rolling tundra and beautiful North Atlantic scenery. Those of us who grew up 'out around the bay' remember safe childhoods that consisted of A LOT of outdoor play...skating on the frozen ponds, sliding (sledding), bike riding, swimming (when it was warm enough)...no one locked their doors, no one was afraid to walk after dark and a moose was the most dangerous thing you were likely to encounter on the streets at night.
St. John's, Newfoundland is by far, in my opinion, the coolest city on the planet..and I physically hurt at the thought that so many people will never see it. I miss it so.
Will me and my family live in America for another 6 years? I don't know...we always talk about moving to Newfoundland...but it's such a huge move, it won't happen overnight.
But I must admit that my time in America has been good...I have never for a moment regretted marrying my best friend...I'd live anywhere to be with him...and I've met some amazing people on my journeys around 'the states'.
I do, at times, stick out like a sore thumb, and I do listen to Irish music in my car while I drive around Tallahassee, and should my family ever leave America to try out life north of the border, I'm so thankful to have had the opportunity to be a foreigner here, In the US of A, with all of you.

Pregnancy Sucks

2009-09-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

That's the title of one of my favourite pregnancy books. I can't for the life of me find it anywhere and I'm thinking I probably passed it on for some other Mama to enjoy, but it's quite hilarious. It is educational but also very real about the not-so-beautiful side of pregnancy. I am a big fan of realness.
The first trimester is by far the hardest...at least it is for me. Caden was born 2.5 weeks early, so I never got to experience the horrible feeling of watching my due date come and go. For me, the first three months are the suckiest.
Firstly, my body has changed and my stomach is much bigger, but it's not round and hard like it will be in a few months...it's more like a beer belly and although I haven't gained any weight yet, I feel like I'm 50 pounds heavier than I was 4 weeks ago.
Secondly, I am tired 100% of the time...but to make it even better, I have insomnia! So I'm exhausted but can't calm my mind enough to sleep...quite annoying.
Thirdly, I am nauseous all day long. I am lucky to not be as sick this time as I was with Caden but I am remembering how incredibly frustrating it is to not own my own body anymore. I go from starvation to bloated in 30 seconds flat.
Further more, when I do finally fall asleep, I wake up 30 minutes later to pee and spend what feels like 50% of my time doing just that; Peeing.
Needless to say, I am very excited for the 4th month to arrive...and it can't come quick enough!

Bigger and Better Things

2009-09-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

Thank you to those of you who contacted me after my last post to encourage and build me up. The response was overwhelming and I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.
I want to clarify that I don't consider my life to be a failure...quite the opposite...but I felt it necessary to be transparent about this, to expose the wound so that others who have been injured would feel less alone.
I am proud of us for the choices we made in the aftermath of this fiasco. In the end, we did the right thing and we learned so much about ourselves, our relationships and our priorities. God first, marriage second, kids third, everything else after that. As important as it can be, the credit score is far from the top of that list.
I think it was important for me to express that the decisions we reached were not reached lightly...and that the choice came down to working several jobs each, never seeing Caden and keeping the house or putting the family first and walking away...I wish things would have been different, but I'm glad we made the tough choice. We are proud of ourselves for paying off almost all of our debt and we are excited for the day when we owe nothing to no one. We want to never finance another thing as long as we live...we may chose to own a house in another decade or so, and we may have to finance hospital/doctor bills as long as we live in America, but everything else will be saved for and bought with cash. We'll drive old cars, sit on second hand furniture and shop at thrift stores before we owe another person, store or credit card company another dime.
UPDATE: The realtor called and said the short sale process is chugging along and we may close (pending approval) in October...I think that probably means January but who knows...I'll stay optimistic.
In other news, my book is finished! Last Fall, I was entering the doors of my work place, miserable with the way things were and I started praying out loud. I'm sure anyone around me would have thought me insane, but I was frustrated. I had been receiving so much positive feedback about my blog and the comments were always the same, "You should write a book!"
I didn't think I could...I dropped out of college, I'm not an expert on anything, what would I write about? I thought I'd be better off writing articles for mother's or Christian magazines but I searched and searched for an opportunity to no avail.
Finally I prayed, "God, if you want me to write a book, you need to send me some help because I have no idea how to even get started."
Within 2 days a Christian author named Kathy Pride, found my blog and offered to help me get started with a book if I was interested. I had not written anything in my blog about my desire to write a book. She had no way of knowing about my prayer two days earlier. She was a complete and utter answer to prayer.
Through her, I found EDM publishing and pitched my idea for a devotional book for mother's with toddlers. On a Thursday night in January, the CEO phoned me and told me a contract was on the way. The following day I was laid off from my job at Datamaxx. Coincidence? I think not.
I found a job playing piano on the weekends and pulled Caden out of daycare. This year I've been working on the book while staying at home with my son, playing the keys for cash on Friday and Saturday nights and thoroughly enjoying my life...money is always tight, housing stress has robbed me of my joy a time or two, but I am excited about where God is taking my writing career and my family. Obviously, He is making this writing thing happen...I'm humbled and honored.
Now with baby #2 on the way, I will have so much more to write about...I am so proud of my husband for being an incredible man and I am head over heels in love with Caden...seriously...in love with him. He is dangerously cute, incredibly smart, very talented and wonderfully behaved. People are always amazed at how polite and witty he is...He is a great person and I'm proud to be his mom.
According to contract, the book should be in print by April 2010. I haven't received any feedback from the company yet, but I am hoping to hear what they think soon.
SO yes, from time to time, we will fail...but I think God's definition of failure is different than ours...and I am choosing to be more thrilled with His blessings than I am upset about my own misfortunes.

Epic Fail

2009-09-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

The other night I had a lot of thoughts running through my head that I wanted to write down. This always happens to me late at night when I'm trying to get to sleep. God inspires me with a thought and I usually can't sleep until I type it out of my system. This particular night though, I desperately wanted to go to sleep. I said, "I'll do it tomorrow, I promise!" and I tossed and turned until eventually, I fell asleep.
The next day my computer died. Out of the blue, with no warning...it just powered off, broke down and still will not turn back on...it's dead.
Coincidence? Maybe. But I think next time I'll get out of bed when the feeling arises...just in case...
Lucky for me, Amber's laptop is sitting here and she is kind enough to share her technology. So I am going to attempt to write what I felt God lay upon my heart to write about the other night, and hope that He can still use it, despite my tardiness

Caution: It's Long.

For those of you who did not know, Jay and I currently own a house in the tiny town of Crawfordville, Florida...about a 45 commute from Tallahassee. In April 2007, we purchased our first home. Jay was doing well at work, selling high end fitness equipment, I was staying at home with Caden, we had two families of close friends in Crawfordville that helped us with Caden and kept us company...things were great. Jay had a motorcycle that he drove back and forth to Tallahassee so even though gas was expensive, we weren't spending a whole lot on commuting. I would go into Tallahassee maybe twice or three times a week for church and socializing...in the beginning, it was great.
Within the year, both of the families we knew in Crawfordville moved away. We were sad to see them go but happy that they were moving onto bigger and better things. We began to feel very secluded and lonely in the country and realized we were city mice so we put the house on the market...things were slow but that was OK because we didn't 'have' to move...we just 'wanted' to. The housing market began to crash and because of the crippled economy, Jay was selling less and less fitness equipment. When people stop buying houses, they stop buying high end toys to put in them. Since his salary was commission based, our family income began a steady decline. To supplement, I went back to work part-time and Caden started attending daycare, 2-3 days a week. The income kept declining so I started working full-time and Caden began attending daycare from 8:00-5:30 every day. Since the entire family was commuting to Tallahassee everyday we were burning gas like crazy and driving 45 minutes in each direction, which was really hard on then 2-year-old Caden. Jay decided to sell his motorcycle to help with the budget. I have a lump in my throat even writing that. He loved that bike so much and I swear, he'll have another one, a huge, sick Harley someday.
Jay changed jobs and began selling advertising for WAYFM but that was a commission based job too and businesses weren't buying advertising just like families weren't buying fitness equipment. Each day we left the house at 7am, drove into the city, everyone went to work/school and at 5:30pm we were all in the car again, heading home. With traffic we were home by 6:30 just in time to feed Caden dinner, give him a bath and put him to bed.
I was miserable. Completely guilt ridden because I never saw my child, my house was a wreck from always being in a rush, we were all alone in a town with no friends and we were stuck in a mortgage payment that was sucking us dry. It was horrid...but in the midst of it all, we worked hard and did what we had to do.
We could not have predicted any of this. We didn't know when we moved into our 'dream home' that it would go so poorly. We didn't know we'd be so miserable in that city. We didn't know our family income would be literally cut in half. We didn't know we'd have to drain our savings more and more each month just to make the mortgage payment...we just didn't know...
Finally we did a lot of research about short sales and decided it was the only way we were going to sell our home before we just couldn't afford to live there anymore so we solicited the help of a local real estate office who have been really wonderful.
In January, I was called into my boss's office and asked if I would mind giving up my next pay cheque, that I had already worked 2 weeks for...apparently my family weren't the only people in trouble...my employer was too. I told her I could sacrifice half of the money I'd already earned and she let me know that they would try to pay me what they could...it was an unsettling situation. My boss was crying, noticeably experiencing her own unforeseen failure and out of nowhere, I started crying too! I told her how miserable I was working and how much I missed my son. We agreed to a voluntary layoff so I packed up my desk, hugged my co-workers and walked away, uncertain of the future. It turns out I would have been let go in a mass firing a week later anyway...
In February 2009, we had just enough money to make a really hard decision...we could use it to move into a cheaper apartment in the city (hire a moving truck, pay deposits, etc) or we could pay one more mortgage payment and be too broke to move AND too broke to stay the following month.
You have to understand that this is impossibly difficult for me to write...I'm not proud of this story. I never saw myself here...after years and years of working hard, paying off debt, tithing to church and people in need...I didn't think this would happen to me...I envisioned a glorious deliverance that still hasn't come...
We decided to move.
I'll admit, day to day life is easier now. I am home with my son and we're all healthier for it. My husband is managing a health club 3 seconds down the street from where we live and is not only doing an amazing job, but he loves doing it! We have taken on a roommate named Amber who is a fantastic addition to our family and we hardly drive anywhere anymore...but I am constantly reminded of the home that sits empty in Crawfordville. The place where we thought we'd live for a long, long time. There's a little boy's room out there with markings on the closet door frame, showing how much he's grown. The backyard where we once played and ran through the sprinkler is now grown over and weed ridden. Now we are in an apartment with white walls, questionable neighbours and not enough space for a dining room table. It's heart wrenching to think about. I am blessed to have my time back with my family but I wish it hadn't happened this way.
We failed. I am sobbing as I write this because failure hurts. It is embarrassing to know how some people view me now...it is frustrating to do everything 'right' and still have things end so wrong...I shutter to think about the conversations people have had about me, the relationships in my life that are forever changed because of this...failure is a good indicator of who your friends are...
Mostly, it hurts me for Jay...the hardest working, most brilliant, self-disciplined man I've ever known...I just want him to catch a break and to know that none of this has been his fault...instead, it is because of him that we have what we do have; a healthy, loving family with a roof over our heads and a happy little boy who couldn't care less where we live as long as there are lots of hugs and kisses there...
Why write this? Why make this public knowledge? In a world where so many thrive off of appearing as though they have it altogether, why divulge 'too much information' on the internet? Well, because God wanted me to...and because I think someone needs to hear that failure is an inevitable and necessary evil...a part of life that God has every intention of each human being having to deal with. Failure is not the absence of God or even necessarily the absence of right decision making...there isn't always someone to blame...it just is what it is...unpredictable and strengthening...I am different now because I've failed. I am stronger, I am wiser, I am a better woman, wife and mother because I fell on my face in a big puddle of failure. In hindsight, we had no business buying a home...we didn't have enough savings, we weren't financially secure, we didn't do enough research...we didn't know what we were getting into...Failure broke me and now I can be rebuilt.
We have a person who is very interested in our house and has been patient enough to wait out this short sale process with us...it's a very slow process....but we're hopeful we will not foreclose and will receive approval from the bank to sell the home for only slightly less than we owe on it. We are aware that our credit score will probably begin with a 4 when this is all said and done but we aren't slaves to it. We don't intend to finance anything ever again and we won't be buying another house anytime soon.
I once heard a father say about his college-aged son, "I'm not going to send him out into the world just to watch him fail."
I understand the concern of this father but withholding freedom to avoid failure is doing his child a disservice. Failure is not to be avoided...big failure is the result of big risk and is the undesired result of trying to obtain great things.
As much as it hurts, I would rather have tried, failed, and learned than to never have tried at all.

Homesick...

2009-08-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

I'm very homesick right now...maybe it's because I realize how difficult it will be to travel home with two children...maybe it's because I know my annual trip next summer probably won't happen...maybe it's because I really miss cold weather...maybe it's because a part of me has never really left Newfoundland...
It's such a wonderful place. I wish everyone could have the chance to see it, breathe it in and experience it's wonder for themselves...I sometimes feel weird saying that I'm from Canada...Newfoundland is so different than the rest of the country.
I miss my parents. They are incredible grandparents...it feels wrong to have their grandbabies so far from them. I miss my friends there. I miss being able to speak in my dialect and not have people tell me I'm mumbling too quickly for them to understand me. I miss St. John's. I love that city. Such a unique blend of history and art, Irish/English/Newfoundland cultures converging, awesome music and downhome living. I miss scampers. I miss St. John's harbour, even when it smells. I miss hot tea being the norm after supper.
I miss the NTV evening news with Lynn Burry and Fred Hutton. I miss having the top story be, 'A moose was found wandering through a local cemetery in Mount Pearl this evening.'
I miss a simpler way of life...I miss it a lot today.

It has begun...

2009-08-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

I was hoping I would dodge the morning sickness (better referred to as the whenever-it-feels-like-flaring-up sickness) this time around but alas, I was sadly mistaken. Nauseousness has made it's way into my tummy, unpredictable and unforgiving. I am remembering in full detail what this was like the first time I went through it...brutally ill from week 7-12...vomiting daily...still having to function even though it feels like having the stomach flu for 1.5 months. Mother's truly are an amazing breed of person, if I do say so myself.
I am also remembering how viciously hungry a pregnant body becomes, completely out of the blue. I went to worship team practice this morning, forgetting to bring a snack/drink and had it not been for the crackers Tindl had in her purse, I think my body would have eaten itself. Thanks Tindl.
A weird combination of extreme hunger and extreme nausea with a heaping dose of exhaustion = the first trimester. I don't like to rush things, but I am excited for week 12 to come and go.

The Story

2009-08-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

If anyone has been around Jay and I long enough, they have probably heard that we were quite content with having an only child. Caden was a blessed surprise. On July 16, 2005, I found out I was pregnant. Although I was having symptoms, I didn't recognize them and it was a complete shock. I was one month shy of 22, had been married for just under two years and was absolutely terrified. I wasn't ready to be a mom and we had no way of predicting that Caden was everything we never knew we wanted.
Jay and I were both uneasy during my first pregnancy...we were anxious about having a baby and didn't really know what to expect. We panicked and moved from Tallahassee back to Charlotte, NC where Jay knew he'd be able to get his old job back to support me and the baby. I was in the process of getting a greencard so I couldn't work. We had a small group of close and amazing friends in Charlotte but things were from time to time quite lonely for me given that I couldn't work. When Caden finally came it was love at first sight. I took to babyhood much better than I thought I would. From time to time there were sleepless night and I was heckled a time or two by strangers in public for being a formula mom but all in all, baby days were precious and amazing.
Since having Caden, neither of us have expressed interest in having more kids. We love Caden and have been quite content with our little existence as a family of 3.
A little while ago, I started to experience some symptoms that I remembered from July, 2005. My mind started racing...I began to process what life would look like if there was another baby on the way. Could we afford it? Where would we live? It will be so hard to fly internationally with two children...Florida is SO far from Newfoundland...
As the days progressed, I told Jay what I was feeling. We both felt a bit anxious.
Monday morning we went to the gym and we were working out on side by side ellipticals. I just wasn't able to keep up...I felt so tired and worn out...I was sweating profusely after only 5 minutes and by the time 10 minutes were up, I just had to quit.
Jay asked, "Are you sick or are you SICK?" asking me if I thought I was just coming down with something or if this could be pregnancy related.
I said, "I don't know. All I know is I don't feel good."
Then Jay said something he has not said...ever. "I kind of hope you're pregnant."
Woah! What?! Where is this coming from.
He explained, "I think I can be a better husband than I was the first time you were pregnant and I think I can be a better father than I was when Caden was a baby...I'd love to have the opportunity to do it again."
Have I ever mentioned how incredibly lucky I am to be married to this man?
I told him that if I wasn't pregnant that maybe we should make a plan to have another baby and he agreed. It was the first time we had ever had a conversation about having more kids.
I went home, Caden took a nap and I couldn't stop thinking about what was going on with me. Was I or wasn't I. I had to know.
I took a test and it took longer to show results than it did back in July, 2005. Back then it worked in literally 3 seconds. This one took about 30 seconds and I figured it would say negative. I whispered a prayer about God knowing what's best and looked at it again. PREGNANT.
My heart started to beat out of my chest and suddenly I felt something I didn't think I'd feel in that moment: Excitement. I was excited! I was excited to tell Jay.
Caden woke up and we immediately went to the gym. I put Caden in the childcare room and paced in Jay's office while he finished up with a customer. It took six million years for him to finish but once he did, I gestured for him to come into his office, shut the door and looked at him with a goofy smile.
'What?' he said.
I just kept smiling. Suddenly he figured it out.
'Holy...' and with that he slapped his hand over his mouth. Bewildered, smiling, excited and shocked he exclaimed, "I gotta sell more memberships!"
We called all of our friends and family, got on facebook and publicly announced the news...many people who knew where we stood on having more kids preceded their celebration with, "Are you alright?" and when we said, 'Yes, we're excited' they immediately expressed their excitement too.
The age difference is perfect. The baby should be born mid-April (although Caden was two weeks early) and that puts them 4 years and one month apart. Caden is already so independent, he'll be an excellent helper. We haven't really told him because we want to make sure we get through the first trimester safe and sound before getting him pumped.
I went to A Women's Pregnancy Centre yesterday to get info on insurance and take another pregnancy test and I was a bit nervous...what if the first one was false? Should we have told everyone? But this time the lines were super clear. Two, bright, pink lines.
Thanks to everyone for the overwhelming support and congratulations. I love telling people and hearing how excited they are for us. It's such a blessing.
So here it goes...8 more months of growing a human...nauseousness may be just around the corner...weight gain is coming (of course, right when I'm only 7 pounds away from my goal weight!)...but we're so blessed to have this tiny miracle joining our already amazing family.
God protect us, keep us in the palm of your hand and prepare us for what's to come!

I think....

2009-08-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

....that Caden is going to be an amazing big brother.

Conversations with a Three Year Old

2009-08-12T15:52:00.001-07:00

On the way home from church one morning when Caden was in trouble for pushing his friends:

Me: "Caden, we don't push people at church, we don't push people at the gym, we don't push people anywhere."

Caden: "Seriously?"

Me: "Yes, Seriously."

Caden: "Aw, man!"

One night I looked lovingly at my son and said...

Me: "Caden, I love you."

Caden: "Mama, I love Chuck E. Cheese."

While Caden was getting ready one morning last week:

Caden: "Mama, I want to wear a work out shirt, just like Daddy!"

Me: "Ok, buddy."

Caden: "I want to wear my back pack, just like Daddy."

Me: "You want to be just like Daddy?"

Caden: "Ya, I want to put my pants on standing up, just like Daddy!"

While I was driving, Caden was sitting in the back of the car:

Caden: "Mama, I don't feel good."

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry buddy. Do you have a bad tummy?"

Caden: "Ya, I need some boy flowers to make me feel better."

Loving the Unlikeable

2009-08-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

We've been having a bit of trouble with Caden being a bully. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he is taking out his 3.5 year old aggressions on any little person that looks at him the wrong way.
Sunday, he was a bit out of sorts because I had to lead worship and Jay had to work a booth at FSU fan day so Caden was at church bright and early at 7:15am and he was the last child picked up after the second service.
He had a rough morning, pushing and shoving, bullying several little ones in the church toddler room.
Wonderfully patient Ms. Jenn took him aside and said, "Caden, we don't push our friends," referring to those kids he had shoved around.
He looked at his victims angrily and replied, "They're not my friends."

All of Caden's life, we have referred to everyone around us (strangers or not) as 'friends'. It was an easier way of referring to someone when Caden hadn't yet grasped pro-nouns. As he's gotten older, I've become more apprehensive about using the word 'friend' as a vague label for every human being. After all, not everyone is his friend. In fact, few people on this planet will hold that title. He'll have many acquaintances, co-workers, colleagues...but few friends.
Obviously, just because Caden doesn't consider someone his friend, doesn't give him the right to shove them into a wall so he was disciplined big time for his antics. The rule: We only use our hands for hugs and high fives. That's what 'Yo Gabba Gabba' says anyway...but it got me thinking...

How do I teach a three and a half year old to biblically love people he just doesn't like?

Face it, we all have individuals in our lives that rub us the wrong way. In our church, our work place, our school, there may even be a family member that makes your skin crawl. How do we handle these situations? If our aim is to be Christ-like and follow God's greatest commandment to love Him and all of the people He has created, how do we do that practically when we just don't like some of them? Is it sinful to avoid eye contact with someone you don't have the energy to talk to? Is it wrong to cautiously keep people at arms length when your gut tells you they aren't to be trusted? Is it against God's will when you're super irritated by people? Did Jesus ever come across individuals that he didn't enjoy being around? I'm sure he LOVED them, but did he LIKE all of them?

What I'm learning (slowly but surely) is that God has not called us to be 'friends' with everyone. As a self-confessed people pleaser, I do not want to pass my fear of confrontation and easily-walked-on demeanor onto my child. I want him to embrace great relationships and to be brave enough to walk away from unhealthy ones even if drama occurs in the aftermath.

God's definition of love is this:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails..." - 1 Corintians 13:4-8

It is possible to love those we just don't like because 'love' and 'like' are two different thing. The world is filled with over 6 billion people with 6 billion personalities. We're not all going to be compatible. We all have different likes and dislikes, different views on politics, religion, current events, different senses of humour. We will all naturally gravitate towards some while we may not enjoy the company of others and I'm starting to realize that this is ok...in fact, it's healthy...as long as we are showing all people the 'love' that God describes in His word.

Nowhere in God's word does he call us to be everybody's friend...in a world where myspace has us ranking our 'TOP friends' and Facebook has us battling over 'who has the biggest 'friends' inventory', it's easy to forget what friendship really means.

When you encounter people you don't get a long with, I don't recommend shoving them into a wall...that's not loving in anyway, shape or form. ;) Since Caden is not required by God (or us) to be friends with everyone he meets, we are going to change the verbage to, "We don't push people because God wants us to be kind to everyone." Hopefully it'll take his little mind a while to find a rebuttal for that one.

I'm thankful for the friends that I have in my life. The people who know me and accept me regardless of my many flaws. The people I can laugh with and do life with...real people who are legit. Real friendship is worth it's weight in gold.

Happy Birthday Baby Evan!

2009-08-07T14:48:00.001-07:00

Happy birthday to Evan who is one year old today!
Love, Uncle Jason, Aunt Kathy and Crazy Cousin Caden.

I AM HUMAN

2009-08-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

Often times when I'm suppose to write about something, God will keep me up at night thinking about it. This is one of those nights. It's 2am and I couldn't rest until I got this down on paper...or screen...or whatever the new age term is for writing something. I wrote this as a testimony for the 'I Am Human' series at church but it ended up becoming quite lengthy so I decided to blog it instead. If they use it in church, great. If not, I hope it meets someone where they are. It was difficult to write about but I felt like I needed to put it out there. SO here it goes...

I was the fat kid in my class. I quickly grew into a fat teenager who was not only overweight but stood at about 5 feet and 8 inches tall in the 7th grade. On top of that, I had bad hair, thick, black glasses (not the trendy kind), a terrible complexion and about 50 excess pounds. I was not what one would consider 'cute'.

I was never the object of any boy's affection and I was always the last one picked in gym class. I wore over sized clothing to cover myself and used humour as a way of dealing with my insecurities. If people were going to laugh at me it was going to be because I was making the jokes, not because I was the butt of them.

After weighing myself one day, I decided that if I got contact lenses, fixed my hair and lost weight, all of my insecurities would disappear. So I did just that. I shed the ugly glasses, spent some extra time on my hair and makeup before school and began eating right and exercising everyday. Slowly but surely, the weight started to come off. People began commenting about how good I looked and although I knew I had lost weight, I didn't think I looked good at all. By the time I graduated high school, I looked like a different girl...the problem was, I didn't feel like a different girl. Outside, I was leaner and more attractive...inside, I was still the fat and awkward girl who forged notes to get out of gym class and had to be funny to be noticed.

As a poor college kid that played in a band, I ate out a lot so nutrition went out the window. My weight fluctuated up and down, but mostly up. The one thing that was consistent in my life was my insecurities. I thought that I was incredibly unattractive and I assumed that everyone around me felt the same way. I had a lot of guy friends who loved hanging out with me but would never in a million years consider dating me and honestly, I could blame them? Who would want me?

I began to think that maybe having a man in my life would make me feel better about myself. I dated a few guys that I didn't really have any interest in but those relationships didn't last longer than a few weeks. If anything, being with someone else made me feel less attractive and more insecure.

I began to pray every night for my husband. I was young but I had a deep seeded longing to share my life with someone. I prayed that God would prepare my heart for him and his heart for me...that God would somehow, miraculously, make me beautiful in his eyes when he saw me for the first time.

When I was 18, I came to North Carolina to work at a summer camp for inner city kids and I met a guy named Jason. To me, Jason was perfect. Handsome, mature, and talented. I immediately disqualified him as an option to date. Too perfect. About a week after we met, Jason asked me to go for a walk around the camp lake with him which in camp lingo means, "Do you want to go on a date with me?" I was immediately flooded with fear and confusion. Why would this incredibly attractive man want anything to do with me? Still, the more we talked, the more compatible we were and soon we were walking hand and hand around camp. I was so happy with him but I couldn't help but think that everyone was whispering, "What in the world is a guy like him doing with a girl like her?" In my head, we were physically an odd match and I feared that someday soon he would be interested in someone better.

Our relationship grew in spite of my fears and not too long after, Jason asked me to marry him. I knew that we were suppose to be together but I still couldn't understand his attraction to me. I remembered my prayers for a husband and believed in my heart that God had prepared him for me and me for him...I was just so scared that when he looked at me, he saw what I saw.

Marrying Jason was by far the best decision I have ever made. We've been married for almost six years and I love him more now than the day I married him but even marrying my best friend didn't change my horrible self image. If anything, it magnified it. I looked around me and saw beautiful, skinny, attractive women and I wondered if Jay would wake up one day and realize that I didn't look like them. My thoughts were flooded with horrible images of him falling for someone else, walking away from me. I allowed too many days to be overshadowed by an irrational fear of him leaving me for somebody else. Somebody prettier. Poor Jay. He has never been anything but uplifting and loving, constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how precious our marriage is to him but for some reason, I thought my inadequacies would ruin what we had.

There were times when these fears and thoughts became overwhelming. I remember one particular night when I was lying in bed, unable to sleep because I was thinking about all of the reasons why I am not good enough when I heard this voice in my head that said, "Where is this coming from?"

I thought about it for a while. My parents were always uplifting and encouraging. My friends were wonderful to me. My husband was constantly affirming my worth...it was then that I recognized the powerful grip that Satan had on my mentality. It was as though he was whispering in my ear all of the reasons why I am disgusting. He was planting seeds of doubt in my head because he wants my marriage to fail...he wants me to be obsessed with self-loathing so that I won't have time to fulfill God's calling on my life. He wants me to pass my insecurities down to my child. He was feeding the very thing that consumed my thoughts and robbed me so many times of my joy. In that moment, I anointed my room with prayer. I prayed over everything. The walls, the doors, the closet, the bed, the mirror...I prayed that God would cast out any hint of Satan's influence. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming sense of calmness and beautiful thoughts began flooding my mind. God created me exactly as I am. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He answered my prayers for a husband and blessed me with an incredible family that loves me for who I am, not who I could be if I lost a few pounds. I am a beautiful princess of the King. I had never felt more free than I did in that moment...

A few months ago, a friend of mine said jokingly, "Kathy doesn't even understand the word insecure."

I laughed nervously as to not be found out but the truth is, I know insecurity. I am the definition of it...but I am working through it with the power of the Holy Spirit. It's been a process but I am learning to thank God for who I am, every single part of me, whether it's flawed or not. I am defining myself through God's eyes, not comparing myself to everyone around me. No one and nothing on this earth can define who I am besides Christ alone and in Him I've never felt more beautiful.

L-O-V-E

2009-07-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

I was listening to some Rob Bell literature on my Ipod while working out today and he was talking about the vulnerability of loving someone...of putting yourself out there to be loved back. He told a story about when he was in junior high. He was at a school dance and mustered up enough courage to cross the gymnasium floor from the boy's side to the girl's side. He said he approached a girl who's name he can still vividly recall and asked her to dance. Her reaction: She began crying and ran into the girl's bathroom.
In this awkward moment of not knowing quite what was going on, he had been rejected. He put himself out there and was shot down.
He then begins to explain how God, who is often portrayed as a judge and king is also a lover and that when he created human beings, He made the same decision to be vulnerable....to create beings with a mind of their own who could choose to love him...and time and time and time again, they choose not to.
Rejection. Not only can God comfort you when you are rejected...He can relate to a much higher degree.
God's word tells us (wives) to submit to our husbands and for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church.
What did Christ do for the church? He died for it...God created human beings to be worth dying for. When a police officer takes a bullet for someone or a fire fighter dies in a smoke filled building after saving several lives from flames, our hearts are deeply touched and we honor their memory because we know, as the beings that God created us to be, that human beings are worth dying for...and when someone lays down their life for another (which the bible calls the ultimate gift), we are moved and effected, whether we know that person or not.
In this same way, God has called husbands to die to themselves, to lay down their lives so that they can truly and intensely love their wives....and yet the words, 'Wives submit to your husbands' is so often quoted, taken out of context, and even used in abusive situations to bully and gain control over women.
Real men love their wives to the point where they are completely submissive to them through self - sacrifice and real women reciprocate.
Marital love is not about sex or romance or butterflies in the stomach ... it's about two people becoming completely selfless, dying to self and uplifting the other in every way imaginable.
The woman in Song of Song's said, "I am my beloved's and he is mine."
Equality. Respect. Submission. Selflessness. Love.
Real love is worth risking heart break for. God does it every single moment of every single day. God is love but the majority of the people he has created choose to have nothing to do with him...Can you imagine how much that hurts the one who created them to be?
I once heard that having a child is like having your heart walking around outside of your body. It's painful and exhilarating all at once. That is love...and it's worth fighting for...it's worth pouring into...when Caden was an infant, he didn't have the capability of loving me back and yet I poured myself into him, nurturing him, taking care of him and loving him beyond explanation...I just loved him for being him and as he grew and developed, he began to love me too....my love for him made his love for me, natural.
That's the choice we need to make in marriage...to love our spouse for who they are, not for what they can do for us...otherwise we'll begin creating a list of rights and wrongs, whether we intend to or not. Real love is contagious and it always prevails...and in the event that you love someone with all of yourself and they do not return that love, know that your Father in Heaven can relate and believe that love is still worth searching for, praying for, waiting for, longing for, working for and even dying for.

For Better, For Worse....

2009-07-21T19:58:00.001-07:00

I feel very burdened tonight for the state of marriage in our world...I feel desperately and painfully empathetic for those who have had their trust abused, their world's completely rocked, their hearts broken and who's children have had to watch it all happen.

I am hurting for women who have given themselves completely to another person only to be told out of the blue, "I'm not in love with you anymore."
Or who have had to find out the hard way that someone else has stolen their man's affection.

What do you do with that? How is it fair? If you don't have Christ to sustain you, how do you make it through that kind of damage? How do you re-build?

I praise God for the health of my marriage and the love Jay and I have for one another but I am not foolish enough to think that we are immune...that we don't need to be on guard...that we don't need to affair proof our marriage, remove people from our lives who try to sabotage it and pray daily for it...After all, we live in a world where a wedding band is not just physically easy to remove but figuratively as well and it turns my stomach to think about it.

I watched a message by Beth Moore (who, as you can probably tell, I have come to LOVE!) and she was honest about a time not so long ago when she was plagued with irrational fear for her marriage...She began to think (and I'm paraphrasing here), 'What if he just doesn't find me attractive anymore? What if he finds someone else? If that happened, I would just die!'

Riddled with a paralyzing fear, she felt God call her out of it by saying, "Beth, what would your worst case scenario be?"

"Well," she thought to herself, "He would meet someone else. He would fall in love with her. He would divorce me and marry her. My children would like her!"

She then felt His voice say, "And what would happen to you?"

"Well Lord, I would kick and scream. I would be so angry. I would cry and throw a fit and be a mess. I would fall to the floor and I would be broken"

"And then?"

"Well, then....I'd get back up. Eventually, I'd get back up and I'd start to live life again."

Whatever fear you have, whatever nightmare Satan tries to taunt you with, whatever damage you've already suffered...as devastating as it seems in reality or in your imagination, God is bigger than it.

My prayer is that any woman (and I say woman because I am one...I know men have been hurt too) who has been hurt in this way will find her restoration in God's hands...that any children who have to witness a marriage fall apart will be spared from a similar fate in their marriages down the road...that husbands and wives would become diligent in their prayers for one another and their families, that they would do everything in their power to stay together and be healthy and stronger than they imagined possible. I pray that bitterness, hatred, disrespect and distrust will give birth to joy, love, respect and a relational depth that they didn't realize existed...that couples will begin to experience marriage the way God intended it to be.

Protect yourselves...I am a big believer in Heaven and a big believer in Hell...not just as distant places but on the earth right here, right now. One of the best things Satan has going for him in the world is the 50% divorce rate...Like Pastor Brian said a few Sunday's ago, "Schedule your pain and schedule it early."
If you need counselling, go get it...don't save it 'til the end just so you can say, "We did all we could do."
If you need to work long and hard on your marriage, roll up your sleeves and get to it.

And if you find yourself at the end of a loosing battle, at the finish of an exhausting, unhealthy marital journey that has ended in separation and you have no idea how you got here, know that God is eager and more than able to pick up the pieces and bring restoration to your broken heart.

I am praying for you tonight.

2009-07-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Tithing

2009-07-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

As Christians, we are called to give. We are educated on the fact that what we have (although earned through our hard work) has graciously been given to us by God above. He supplies our health, our jobs and our wages and the least we can do is give 10% back to Him. The bible is littered with references to tithing. Some teachers take these passages literally and some say that they were relative only in the time which they were spoken. I have heard many televangelists speak on 'sowing seeds', donating above and beyond the 10% and watching God blow up your bank account. I feel very sorry for the innocent people who are swindled by that teaching...who give away their mortgage payment expecting God will miraculously pay off their house. This type of teaching is a lie and these types of 'preachers' are one of the many types of false teachers harming the name of Christ in today's world.

Here's how I personally feel about the issue of tithing. I am not a theologian nor can I translate the original scriptures from Hebrew or Greek but here's what I've learned and what I believe to be true based on solid teaching an good old fashion experience.
The tithe shows up many times throughout the Old Testament. It first appears in Genesis 14:20 then again in 28:22. In Numbers, God commands that the Israelite's tithe be brought together in support of the Levites and the Levite's tithe went to the Priests (NUM 18:21-26). There's also mention of gathering a tithe for celebrating in Deuteronomy 14:23-29.
When I worked for a church back in 2003, the below scripture was often quoted prior to the tithes and offering part of the Sunday morning program:
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." Malachi 3:10
I'll be honest. I worked for the church and didn't tithe. I never remember making a choice not to, I just honestly never thought about it! I had just turned 20, Jay was a pretty new Christian and we didn't tithe. Aside from the Malachi scripture being quoted on Sunday mornings, the issue wasn't discussed. We were never approached about the subject...not putting the blame on anyone else but I wonder what my response would have been if I was made aware of my ignorance back then. In all fairness, we went to a church where 90% of the attendants were homeless, poverty stricken and members of drug addiction programs so tithing was never a message topic, understandably so. Jay and I went about 3 years without even thinking about tithing at all. We gave directly to people in need from time to time. We always gave of our time and opened our home to those who needed hospitality but for the most part, tithing was not part of our day to day existence.
It wasn't until we settled into genesischurch.tv that we started to realize how important the discipline of tithing was.
The New Testament talks a lot about giving but the tithe is not really mentioned or focused on outside of Matthew 23:23 & Luke 11:42, where it is referenced as not being as important as love, justice and mercy. It's true, there is no where in scripture where the tithe is declared as the necessary percentage to be given to the local church but even so, I believe in tithing and I'll tell you why.
It isn't because I believe you'll never have financial problems if you tithe. In fact, in those three years that Jay and I never tithed, we had WAY more money than we have now. I remember specific situations in which God miraculously blessed us both financially and in other areas. We ate out all the time, went to concerts, we even saved a considerable amount of money during our first year of marriage. There are plenty of stinking rich people who remain stinking rich their whole lives who never give a dime to anyone...I know, I play music for them every Friday and Saturday and they don't tip me...Giving the tithe does not mean you will reap earthly riches...in fact, what I have found is that when we tithe we are more often than not 10% poorer than we were before. Gotta be hoenst. In the last two years, we have hit more financial hardship than I care to discuss and we've been regular tithers...I don't believe our troubles are because of our tithing but I don't believe they will suddenly go away because of our tithing either. I'm not bitter about lacking money in the midst of financial faithfulness because I know that 'giving to get' is not what it's about. The Malachi verse isn't about reaping physical riches on earth.
It's about discipline. It's about honoring God and trusting Him and the reward that comes from a deeper relationship with Him and a planet that is better for your giving. It's about doing our part to abolish Hell on Earth. God has been revealing that to me a lot lately...that Heaven and Hell are not just far away distant lands...they exist here in the now. Just like Christ taught us to pray, "Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven." The bible says, "The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." It's accessible and available for us to experience in the now, even in the midst of this fallen place. In the same way that Heaven exists, Hell does too. Terrorized nations where men, women and children and tortured, raped, abused, murdered...that's Hell and exists on the planet, today. There's Hell in our own city...and we believe our church is one of many that is working to abolish some of that, one soul at a time.
So Jay and I give ten percent of our lower middle class income...sometimes to the children's ministry at our local church, sometimes directly to people in need who have been hit from the right and the left and could really use a break...sometimes to organizations that are doing their part to abolish Hell on Earth like the Innocence Project (a program that frees innocently convicted people from prison and the death penalty) or the Magdalene Project (a program that is working to end the child sex trade overseas). Part of our tithe goes to support a little boy named Chrispine in Zambia who was born the same day as Caden but has much less than he does. We don't always give in a way that is trackable or tax deductible, and only God Himself can see it and know it's true but we do it because we should...and sometimes we can pay the bills and sometimes can't. That's life. We often have to choose between giving or saving so we give. Probably not what a financial advisor would suggest but even so, it's the right thing to do.
I am so tired of hearing the argument about tithing...about why we should do it and why the number should be 10% and yadda yadda yadda.
Why 10%? Why not!
The theme is pretty evident throughout scripture so I think it's a good starting point and if you can give more, give more! But don't expect a cheque in the mail. Do it because even when you have to pull from savings to pay the utility bill, at least you have a savings to pull from...at least you have utilities...at least you have breath in your lungs and the ability to fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
So there it is. I never wrote this to toot my own horn. Lord knows we went long enough being ultra greedy and truthfully, if we worked our personal numbers a bit better we'd probably be able to do much more for the planet.
I know this probably is not a very intellectual collection of thoughts but I felt compelled to write them down. Thanks for reading.

Videos

2009-07-12T15:14:00.000-07:00

Caden and his hulk hands (courtesy of Nevin and Sarah)

Playing in the rain with Daddy

Waiting outside of American Idol auditions

Inside of the Amway Arena during Auditions. Keep in mind, our section was last out of all of these people...insanity.

This was about 5 hours into the auditioning process

American Idol: A Tale of Victorious Loss

2009-07-10T10:18:00.001-07:00

First, let me tell you about a dream I had a week ago:
I dreamed that I was at the American Idol auditions and I found a wad of money on the ground. People told me to keep it, but I turned it in. I waited a long time to audition but then never got the chance to.
Now about the actual day: It all began at 3:30am when the alarm went off. After getting ready, Jay and I hit the road at 4:30am. We were stuck in American Idol traffic until about 5:45am. After finding a place to park and walking to the arena from the parking lot, we arrived at about 6:30am. The camera's were rolling, catching all of the craziness as it unfolded. Michael Jackson look-alikes, drag queens, Zorro, cat woman, a Caucasian man with full Indian head dress on...then there were the guitar players, strumming and singing loudly all around us...the wanna-be diva's, SCREAMING power ballads...the smell of hair spray, perfume and pot filled the air. We stood outside for about 2 more hours, watching Justin Guarini and Kimberly Caldwell interview people for the TV guide channel. Once the doors opened, everyone flocked to their seats in the arena. It was packed. about 12,000 people, if not more.
Once seated we had to sing the song 'Heartbreaker' as a group. We did this about 10 times while they filmed us..then we had to do the wave and say in unison, "I'm going to Disney World. Woo." I felt like a performing monkey.
Then Nigel Lythgoe took the microphone and explained the process. On the floor of the arena they set up 12 tables, separated by curtains. We would be called by sections, seperated into groups of 4, and audition at one of the 12 tables. When it was time for us to approach the judge's table we were told (and I quote):
"Do not shake our hand. Do not introduce yourself, where you are from or what your name is. Just step forward and when the judge points to you, sing."
Alrighty then.
We were sitting in section 119. They announced that they would begin auditioning with section 120 and would be working clockwise around the arena. My jaw dropped. We were going to be dead last. Last, out of 12,000 people. Ugh.
The auditioning began around 9:30am. I practiced, we ate, we walked around, we walked around some more, we sat, we fell asleep sitting up, I updated my facebook status 100 times...It was a LONG day. We watched as hopefuls took their turn in front of the judges. It was mass chaos of singing and drama. If you were told 'yes' you were given a golden ticket and sent through the winners exit. If you were told 'no' you were stripped of your yellow, paper bracelet and sent through the losers exit. About one person every five minutes received a golden ticket but the majority were told, "Thanks, but no thanks."
I watched people with AMAZING voices walk through the dreaded losers exit. Some were lucky enough to earn the golden ticket. I watched a lot of crazy people with costumes walk through the winners exit. About an hour before I auditioned, a transvestite with a long, blond wig and a mini-dress made it through and Jay said, 'If he makes it and you don't, I'm going to be so ticked."
He made it. I didn't. Jay was so ticked.
As I sat there for extended periods of time, watching the craziness, listening to the hopefuls, one thought ran through my head over and over:
"I wonder what Caden is doing right now?"
I missed him. I've left him before...I've left him for many nights consecutively before..but this was different. I began to think about what life would be like if I made it all the way in this competition...how I would miss Caden's 4th birthday...how someone else would be watching my little boy, someone else would know his routine, someone else would be his protector, teacher and guardian. I remembered how much Jay and I have sacrificed for me to stay home and I began stressing about what my life would be like if I won. I looked around and saw people stressed about not making it and here I was stressed about getting through!
Auditions were taking forever until about 4 sections away from us. Then they seemed to speed up. It was about 5pm and it seemed as though they weren't letting anyone through at this point. Very few golden tickets.
I made my way to the bathroom one last time before my section was called and on my way there the girl in front of me accidentally dropped a wad of cash and kept on walking. A few people saw it happen but did nothing. I picked it up and called out to her, "Excuse me, you dropped some money."
She turned around and said, "Wow, thanks. I didn't even notice."
She seemed surprised at my honesty, thanked me again and walked away. I walked into the bathroom and suddenly froze. I remembered my dream. I ran back to the auditorium to tell Jay about it. His first response was, "Weird! How did your dream end?!?!"
I hesitated but said quietly, "I didn't get to audition."
Jay noted how angry he would be if they cut things off after having waited around all day but soon enough it was section 119's turn to audition and I headed towards the floor. Jay had to stay in the stands but based on my exit, he would know whether I lost or won.
I lined up with 3 other people. Benny was on my right. He was the strangest person I've ever met. He had no song prepared and asked me to teach him, 'Oh Happy Day' while walking towards the judge. I tried to sing it for him but told him he really needed to sing something he knew. He insisted 'Oh Happy Day' would be a good choice. I felt bad for him but wanted to slap him at the same time. How could you not have a song prepared, Benny!
Then there was a tall Asian guy named J.P next to me and a pretty blond girl on the end. They were really nice and came with a large group from their church in south Florida to audition. Their friends were scattered throughout the audition tables. One of their friends was a short, chubby guy with thick, black glasses. He auditioned at the table next to us and had one of the most amazing voices I've ever heard.
When we got to our table, the judge didn't look like a judge at all. He was a skinny, pale guy in his 30's who looked like a creep that sold cigarettes to kids or performed illegal tattoos. Not what I was expecting.
The girl on the end leaned over to me and said, "I hope he doesn't stab us if we're bad."
We laughed.
Benny went first and did the most horrible rendition of 'Oh Happy Day' I've ever heard. Poor guy. The judge started day dreaming and starring off into space while he sang. Benny actually got to sing for about 35 seconds because the judge was in la-la land for 30 seconds of it. When he remembered where he was, he stopped Benny and said, "Can you sing another song?"
Benny broke out with Mariah Carey and my heart hurt for him. He was dreadful and he had waited ALL day.
Then it was my turn. I knew he probably wasn't an easy-listening music fan but I stepped forward and began singing, "Moon Shadow" by Cat Stevens because I felt good about it. I was calm and I was doing (in my opinion) a great job. The judge did not make eye contact with me and stopped me two lines in, asking me to sing something else. I had prepared a couple of songs but I figured the one he might like the best was, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, so I started singing that one. He lost interest after the first note, eyes wandering all over the stadium just as they had with Benny. I sang for about 2 more lines and he waved me away. I knew in that moment it was over for me and Benny.
My new friends stepped forward one at a time to sing. They not only had AMAZING voices but amazing looks...and through our conversations I knew that they were there to use the talents God gave them for His glory. In that moment I thought, "If I really want to see God's will done, then I won't care whether He uses me to complete it or somebody else, as long as His will is accomplished."
I knew one of them was going to make it through...but they didn't. Our judge didn't watch any of us sing. He stopped both of them after 10 seconds and asked them to sing different songs. Then he gave them another 10 seconds before cutting them off completely, like he did to me. Benny got the most time out of all of us.
He called the four of us forward and told us, "You all have great voices but you're just not ready. Try singing in front of people, work on it and come back next year."
My dream from a week before was truly prophetic. I never really got a chance to audition.
I walked out with my new friends and Benny. Benny mumbled something like, "I know I'm good, I just got nervous." Poor Benny. He really thought he was.
When we got outside we were joined by literally everyone who had been auditioning for the last 45 minutes. The cameras were put away long before our time came to sing. The cleaning crew were picking up trash and shutting off lights. We stayed all day only to be passed over quickly so the judges could get the heck out of there.
Had I been determined to win, that would have made me CRAZY angry...but I wasn't at that point. I knew I didn't want it. I was a little irritated that the judge grouped my talent in with Benny's with his, 'You all have great voices' comment, but I was satisfied. My prayers were answered. I didn't make it through because it would have been bad for my family.
The losers exit took you straight outside, into the rain. With no bracelet and no ticket, I couldn't get back in so I waited on the losers stairs for 20 minutes for Jay to find me. That was the worst part of the day...wanting Jay and not knowing where he was. I watched everyone walk out of the losers exit, crying, cursing, screaming, bewildered and shocked about not making it. Some had legitimate reasons to be upset. The chubby guy with the glasses who's voice was flawless, joined us on the losers stairs. No one was making it through at this point. I told him his voice was so good it intimidated me and he smiled, gave me a hug and headed home. He should have made it.
Finally I heard a faint, "KATHY!" from across the parking lot. There was Jay. My favourite human. He hugged me and told me how proud he was of me. We left the Amway Arena at 7pm after having been on the go for 16 hours and we ate a big, dirty feed at Longhorn. We went back to the hotel where Nevin not only let us share his hotel room but he slept on the fold out couch so I could have the big comfy bed. He cursed American Idol and offered to burn down the Amway. I declined his offer but appreciated it. I took a hot bath, made some tea and began to read all of the facebook comments and messages I had received throughout the day. Overwhelmed by love and support I climbed into bed at 9:30, sleeping like a rock until 6:30 this morning.
On the drive home, Jay and talked about how hard life would have been if I had made it on the show. We talked about all of the things we would miss about the way our lives are now. I shuttered at the thought of being away from my family.
The song "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds came on the Ipod while we were driving:
"...And in a white sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize and I know that I am the luckiest."
That's how I felt when Jay finally found me outside of the arena. Overwhelmingly in love with my life, just the way it is.
I don't regret trying out...in fact, I think I was meant to. I never have to wonder what would have happened and the experience gave me a brand new appreciation for everything I already have and an excitement for the future God has for me.
In the end, I didn't win but I did live happily ever after. The End.

American Idol

2009-07-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

So, I debated going public with this...but I go public with everything else, so I might as well!
Tomorrow morning, Jay and I will be getting up super-dooper early and heading to Orlando for the American Idol auditions.
I am still questioning whether I should do this...Jay said this morning, "Here's how I know you should do it. Because it couldn't be a worse time."
He wasn't being sarcastic.
We're broke, we shouldn't be leaving work after just getting back from vacation and my throat/ears/lungs are filled with the nastiness from the Tallahassee air (every time I go up north and come back, it wreaks havoc on my lungs) but we're going for it anyway!
We register tomorrow and then audition on Thursday. Should be an insane 48 hours but we'll see what happens!
At first I didn't think I could go, because I didn't have anywhere to stay and we couldn't afford a hotel...then, out of nowhere, my good friend Nevin says, "Hey, I'll be in Orlando for a conference in July. I get in on the 8th."
The same day I needed to be there! He has graciously offered for Jay and I to bunk in his hotel room....rub-a-dub-dub, I might be sleeping in the tub, but that's ok! It's a place to stay and I am so thankful for it. Thanks Nevin!
Then I thought about Caden and how we can't leave him for a few days right now...he's not in school for the summer and Amber has to work...there's nowhere for him to go. Then Kelley graciously offered to watch him for us...and Caden LOVES Kelley...so that was one less thing to worry about.
So then I began thinking, "Could that be a coincidence? That my friend from Atlantic Canada is going to be in central Florida the same day I need to be there? That Kelley is available and willing to watch Caden while we're gone?"
Maybe...but maybe not.
On top of that, I've been studying Esther and the process she had to go through in order to be chosen by the King was quite similar to this type of contest (minus sleeping with a King)...the scriptures talk about how she found favor with everyone...even the women she was competing against! There was no reason for Esther to have stuck out like that, except for God's blessing on her, oozing through her pores. God made her appealing to everyone she cam in contact with...she was pleasant to look at but also pleasant to be with...God made her stick out, in a good way.
So that is my prayer. If this is the road God has for me, he will make me stick out in a good way...there will just be something about me that people will like and remember and I'll know it's Him. If this is not what God has for me, I want to blend in like wallpaper. I want to be one of the other girl's in the Esther story...who eventually went back to her family and pursued a different path.
I can't in good faith do this thing without thinking, 'What if I make it all the way? What will that mean for my family? How could this help us? How could this hurt us?'
To be able to make a good living for my family while doing something I love is the main reason I'm doing this...I really have no desire to be a 'star' even though I do love music and really want to make money by doing something I love so much. My drive is for Jay and Caden...and if this lifestyle won't be good for us...if it will keep me away too much...if it will drive a wedge in my family, then I don't want it. I pray to not be good enough and be sent home on Thursday if this path is bad for me and my family. I will honestly be contented either way because I'll know...God has this whole thing in His hands.
But if this is God's road for me, I pray that he would refine the gift He has given me...that His voice will burst through my mouth...that I won't be looked over because I'm wearing a 9 dollar dress...that I'll stick out, in a good way...and that my voice will be a pleasing sound to the judges, the producers and most importantly, to Him.
So pray for me. Pray for confidence, pray against fear. Pray that I'll be in the right place and the right time...and that God's will is done...whether that means a 'golden ticket' or a scenic drive back to Tallahassee.
Thanks friends! I'm off to see Ryan Seacrest!

Happy Canerica Week!

2009-07-04T06:45:00.000-07:00

July 1 - Canada Day. Celebrated by defending my right to be a citizen of a country other than America, was told several times to 'go back to Canada', drank Tim Horton's hot chocolate, wore my annual red and white bandanna and ate way too many fudgeeo's. All in all, a typical Canada Day celebration for me. Good times.
July 4 - America Day. We are about to head to Sopchoppy for our annual 4th of July celebration with the Vandegrift's. I will swim in my first Florida lake, go to the parade, enjoy the festivities in the park and the fireworks after the sun goes down. It's bound to be a super fun day!
Happy Canerica Week Everyone!

Mean Girls

2009-07-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write on this topic for a long time...years really...but it's a touchy one. It's a touchy one, because it involves me and it involves relationships I had/have and the last thing I wanted was for someone to read this and wonder, "Is she talking about me?"
But then I got to thinking...The answer is 'yes'. At least if you're a girl...because every single one of us has a mean streak. You know what I'm talking about. It's the reason why relationships with other women are SO hard. I know they are for me, I assume they can be for you too.
Women can be TERRIBLE to other women.
Although we can all have a mean streak, not all of us are 'mean girls'. Beth Moore laid out four facts about meanness in her Esther study guide.

1) Meanness always has a history.
-It doesn't just spring up out of nowhere. Hurt people, hurt people and often times the mean girl (although inexcusable) has been a victim of meanness herself.

2) Meanness perceives a threat.
-That's why girls are mean to other girls. They are threatened by them. Insecurity is at the heart of every rivalry. Anger is power to those who don't think they have any other source of it.

3)Meanness catches like a virus.
-Ever notice how nothing makes you meaner than a mean girl? Think about it.

4) Meanness is curable.
-Thank God! (Romans 12:17-21) Don't repay evil with evil. Nothing combats meanness like love and sometimes you just need to walk away from relationships that are toxic with anger and meanness.

Beth also listed three of the qualities (not an exhaustive list) she thinks best describes a mean girl and I couldn't agree more. I wanted to share them because I think they are accurate and brilliant.

1) A mean girl will let you hang out with her as long as you remember it is all about her.

2) A mean girl will dig at other girl's but never admit to it or apologize for it.

3) A mean girl dresses provocatively around other women's men, men that they have no actual interest in. They just want the satisfaction of diverting his eyes from his wife, to her.(To which Beth added: Ladies, keep your breasts to yourself!)

As a married woman and a stay-at-home mom, I struggle constantly with fitting in with groups of mother's and other women. I need the company, opinions and understanding of other mom's but I fear the pain and 'meanness' that can lie within groups of women. Like grade 12 all over again, where I took refuge in the few non-mean girls I could find and had many guy friends. I cherish my male friendships. At least with guys you know where you stand.
The polite 'digs', the obsession with weight and perfection, the gossip, the judgement. It's tough being a woman amongst other women.

So my challenge (or my plea) is to rid yourself of the meanness. Whether it's within you or within someone you have a relationship with. Confront it with love and walk away from it...even if that means walking away from an individual who may not understand why you're doing what you're doing.

Caden's Favourite Videos on Youtube (in his words)

2009-07-02T16:28:00.001-07:00

"Watch da Gomilla pway da dwums pwease?"

"Sandwiches need to say"

"Elmo going to Bed"

Inching Towards Freedom

2009-07-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest about some things I've been dealing with over the last few months.
A few weeks before Easter I began feeling very disconnected from God and I began to feel out-of-place at church. I can't explain the feeling...an internal chaos that led to shut down is as close as I can come to describing it accurately. Easter was a difficult day for me. I left church feeling...weird. It didn't feel like Easter. It didn't feel right. I know 'feelings' are not what it is all about but it just didn't 'feel' right to me...I began a journey to a strange emotional and spiritual place. A place I've never really been before.
As weeks have turned into months, I find myself more and more chaotic in my spirit and less and less connected...I literally feel my brain churning when I try to research and learn the things of God...like they are too big for me to understand, like I've had it wrong for a long time. I've become frustrated with the lack of black and white's when it comes to who God is and what He's about....instead, I find myself wallowing in a sea of grey and I've honestly been wondering if the God I thought I knew is really the way He is at all.
I haven't questioned His existence or my need for Him. If anything, my spiritual situation has affirmed both to me, but I've felt that with each passing day, a new layer of spiritual chains have been wrapped around my heart and I find myself unable to move. Unable to move closer, unable to move away. Just stuck.
I don't know if this makes any sense, or if anyone can relate, but I (for the first time I can remember) am sensing a very real spiritual attack on my life. It is as though I can feel the breath of evil, negativity, fear. My self image has been completely construed and a once confident woman is becoming pathetically insecure. I realize this is very transparent...but writing my thoughts are the only way they make sense to me and I believe I can't be the only one who has experienced this type of spiritual turmoil.
The constraints on my spirit have left me with an inability to pray like I use to...a spiritual laziness I guess...and in place of the peace I've always clung to has descended a spirit of anger, insecurity and despair.
It's not as desperate as it sounds I suppose...I haven't had to medicate myself or hide in the dark due to an inability to function, but I have felt somewhat disabled...all the while ,the chaos of trying to figure out who God is and what He's all about (after YEARS of having a relationship with Him) has caused me extreme mental fatigue. In all honesty, it's easier to sleep or distract myself with other things than to face this thing head on...and that's what I've been doing until now. I've begun to wrestle like Jacob.
A few weeks ago my friend Abby asked me if I wanted to attend a Beth Moore bible study with her on 'Esther'. I was excited. Just what I needed. A structured, fail-proof bible study with an accountability partner. I jumped on board.
I love Beth Moore and this study has been great. When I went to Canada, I brought the workbook with the intention of doing my 'homework' but I didn't crack the cover. I also missed two of the video weeks. The distraction of family and friends was a welcome one and I honestly didn't have time to think about anything else but those who were around me.
Coming back to Florida was hard because I a) missed my family and my home and b) had to face myself during periods of silence again...a self I haven't been a huge fan of lately.
I've been feeling much better this week about coming back to FL. Not as sad or desperate for home like I was 48 hours post-landing but the thickness of my spiritual crisis is still very evident.
Tonight, I went to my first Esther bible study in three weeks. Abby couldn't come and I debated going myself but I knew it would be for my benefit so I went alone.
I sat in a room with a bunch of women I don't know and began watching a message that must have been custom spoken for me. I'm not that arrogant, but I can't imagine it being a coincidence.
AMAZING! She spoke about being brave, about facing our fears about how we are never one mistake away from God leaving us. He's waiting for us to figure it out and get our act together and that although he is readily available and loving, sometimes our complacency and poor decisions can cause us to miss His calling. I don't ever want to miss His calling.
Then she spoke about herself...her battles over the last 14 months and amazingly, they matched mine! This amazing woman of God was dealing with junk I was dealing with! Working through issues I've been ashamed to admit. She challenged us to walk through our worst case scenarios and as I did, I felt the chains breaking...like the links on my spiritual hand cuffs were starting to bend and snap...not all the way, but enough to gain movement...enough to make a difference, a start.
My eyes welled with tears (those of you who know me, know I'm not a cryer) and I quickly dried them to avoid awkward looks from a room full of strangers but I felt something! SOMETHING! Something other than fatigue and frustration. SOMETHING...and I'm clinging to it, desperately.
As she closed her lesson she prayed, "God, we will be tested on this very thing in 24 hours...remind us of this moment."
I need that...I need those moments to carry me through the 'real life' ones. I need the reminder...and I am realizing that my problem boils down to two very specific things: A lack of peace due to a lack of unconditional trust.
Trusting that God is good regardless...trusting that when I am in Him, He is in me. Trusting in the greater good...trusting that even if my worst fears come to pass, He'll pick me up and we'll start over, together. Trusting that I'm worthy of Him.
I have no idea if this makes sense and honestly, it may be TMI. Who knows.
I don't like to talk about things, I like to write about them. I'm not a talker...I'm a writer...so I write these things for my benefit and the benefit of anyone who needs to hear them.
I am still at a stand still as to how I feel about organized church, living in the bible belt and man made doctrine, but I am beginning to think that's OK...perhaps I am moving closer to Him because of these questions and 'feelings'.
I'm excited about popping out of these cuffs...and raising my hands passionately towards Heaven when I do. I may be limping, but I'll be better for it.

Prayers

2009-06-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

My friend Amy who just got married last week was on her honeymoon with her husband Jon and received the news that Jon's father passed away. He had been suffering from a long battle with pancreatic cancer. Jon and Amy were on a cruise but are about to board a plane in the Cayman Islands to head back to Newfoundland today. Please pray for the Hilliard Family. It was a blessing that Jon's father was able to be present at Amy and Jon's wedding. The family has known this day would be coming soon but it is still a terrible tragedy that leaves behind hurting loved ones. Pray for peace, comfort and safety for Jon and Amy as they travel back home to Newfoundland today.

Hello Old Friends

2009-06-29T06:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have been slacking big time in the blogging department. In my defense, life has been non-stop for the past two+ weeks and I am just now finding a moment to sit and type. Feels good.
Our trip to Newfoundland was inexpressibly amazing. The travel day (with the exception of a very slow immigration line in St. John's and Caden's suitcase going MIA for a few days) was as perfect as it good have been. Caden was an angel and remained sweet all day on very little sleep. I have gained a new and refreshed appreciation for my little man. He made me so proud.
Nan and Pop were waiting excitedly at the airport with a giant dinosaur toy in hand. From the moment we landed til the day we left, they poured every ounce of energy into making sure we had a great time, and they succeeded. For months preceding our visit, they prepared for Caden's arrival. He had his own room filled with toys, books, 'Cat in the Hat' bed sheets and little boy themed everything. He had more toys at Nan and Pop's house than he has at his own! Nan and Pop also spent every moment playing hands on with Caden...throwing rocks in the ocean, swimming in the pond...my Dad even put a wheelbarrow full of sawdust in the shed so that if it rained, Caden would have dry sawdust to dig and rake with. Mom made sure Caden had everything he needed, including a warm, fresh-from-the-dryer towel when he got out of the tub. It was the picture of a hospitality and love.
Amy's wedding was fantastic. It was great to see everyone. I miss you all so much. Amy was the most stunning bride I have ever seen in my life...absolutely beautiful. They flew off to a cruise the next day so it was very weird being in Newfoundland while Amy was in Florida. Still, had a blast with her and everybody in good ol' St. John's. That will always be my favourite city on earth.
I won't lie, it's been a difficult transition coming back. I knew it would be...I knew before I went to Newfoundland that I would mourn leaving it all over again. I never use to be this emotional about home until I had Caden. I do miss the beautiful geography of my homeland. The rugged cliffs and salt water air...but now that I have a child, I literally hurt at the thought that my parents and childhood friends don't get to be physically in his life daily. It's hard to raise a child in a foreign country. Some days I don't mind being an immigrant and I know it's only a matter of time before I feel comfortable in the US of A again. As of right now, I feel very out of place. Luckily, my husband and son ease the majority of my homesickness. They are home to me.
It's not out of distaste for America that I feel this way because I have many loved ones here...I just wish my family were more accessible. They are such a positive force in Caden's life...thankfully, they have always made the best of their situation. Daily phone calls to chat with Caden, sending letters and packages to him monthly, even if all the envelopes hold are stickers...he knows Nan and Pop and has a very real relationship with them regardless of the distance because they go above and beyond to make sure he feels remembered, loved and special. It warms my heart to feel that Caden, Jay and I are a priority to them even though we're world's away.
I also miss the culture of Newfoundland. I love how Canadians take off their shoes at the door and are sickeningly polite. I miss Newfoundland dialect and being able to speak the way I speak while being understood by everyone. Jay will often have to nudge me and remind me that something I just said is 'not a word'. In Newfoundland, that doesn't happen ;)
So in a nutshell, I miss the big things and I miss the little things about life in Newfoundland but I will reacclamate to the southern USA. I have a great life here and I have the most amazing husband and son a girl could ever ask for. I am allowed to experience a moment of sadness from time to time but the key is not to wallow in it...today I will wash the floors, play with Caden, prepare for friends to come over tonight, purchase a cheap table off of craigslist and jump head first into my pretty awesome life...a tear might form when I think about how far away I am from my Mama but that's healthy. I'd rather miss them than not miss them at all.
I'll post pics soon. Our computer cord is fried so we're waiting for the new one to arrive in the mail. Thankfully, Ms. Amber's laptop is here ;)

Time Flies...

2009-06-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

When you're having fun. And I am having a ridiculous amount of fun.
I'll write more when we get back to the US of A.